Saturday, July 30, 2016

ESPN reports there will be 450,000 condoms handed out to the 10,000 Olympic athletes at Rio. The Olympic motto has just been changed from “Faster, Higher, Stronger,” to “Want Some, Get Some, Got Some.” 

A body washed up near the Olympic open water swimming venue in Rio. The good news is the body did float fast enough to qualify for the Brazil Olympic swim team. 

NFL Hall-of-Famer, Warren Sapp, was bitten on the arm by a shark while lobster fishing in Florida. Sapp will be fine, but the shark now owes the IRS $60,000. 

Texas A&M suspended two football coaches for making inappropriate sexist jokes. In addition, comedian Dice Clay is no longer welcome anywhere in college station. 

On the bright side, we now know how many Aggies it takes to screw in a lightbulb.

The Olympic athletes will not be able to get Pokemon Go in the Rio Olympic Village. This is bad news for three fencers, two badminton players and one race walker. 

The Olympic athletes will not be able to get Pokemon Go in the Rio Olympic Village. “Gosh, how will we entertain ourselves with 10,000 of the hottest and fittest athletes in the world partying in one place?” Asked nobody.

The video has gone viral of the woman in China dragged off by a tiger after she got out of her car in a drive-though tiger sanctuary. They are calling the attack tragic, the tiger is calling the attack home delivery.

Friday, July 29, 2016

TMZ reports Caitlyn Jenner is dating an attractive younger African American man. This might make Caitlyn the first ever Olympic gold medal decathlete transgender dating an African American male who supports Donald Trump.

A Florida man is suing police because he was jailed when they mistook Krispy Kreme crumbs for meth. The only way this story gets more Florida-like is if he had sex with an alligator.

After Michael Bloomberg hammered Donald Trump at the DNC, Trump threatened to punch “Little” Michael Bloomberg. Well that should end all the “Trump is a bully” discussions. 

When the press asked if Tom Brady would start week 5, New England Patriot coach, Bill Belichick, muttered “Jesus Christ.” Which I am sure he meant even if Jesus Christ himself came back, Brady would still start. Yeah, that’s it.

Now the rumor is Donald Trump will not release his tax returns because of his income from Russia. Asked to comment, Trump said there is nyet truth to this. 

Donald Trump has been accused of treason with Russia and has threatened to punch Michael Bloomberg. It so bad, Trump’s poll numbers have only gone up 12%. 

They found a body floating in Rio where the Olympic swimmers will compete. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the body tested positive for steroids.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Rest In Peace my friend, Jerry Doyle.

Chicago White Sox pitcher, Chris Sale, is returning after a five game suspension for cutting up the team’s throwback uniforms. If he had done that for the Pittsburgh Steelers, they would throw him a parade.

On the bright side, Sale signed a new endorsement deal with Slice Soda. 

With the added rest, Sale could have a second half season that is tailor-made for success. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Green Bay QB, Aaron Rodgers, is not happy his younger brother, Jordan, is airing their family’s feud on “The Bachelorette.” Rodgers even reached-out to Tom Brady to find out how he would deflate the situation.

Who cares if Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails? Don’t these people know we have a full-blown Kim Kardashian-Taylor Swift feud going on? 

Scientists in India claim cockroach milk may be the next super food. So it is just a question of time until some utter tool utters the phrase: “Where is the lactose-free cockroach milk?” 

Scientists in India claim cockroach milk may be the next super food. So it is just a question of time until some utter tool utters the phrase: “Where is the lactose-free cockroach milk?” 

ESPN reports 450,000 condoms will be distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics. And like every Olympics prior, the cool jocks will be dipping into the unused stock of the badminton players and archers. 

Michelle Obama gave a moving speech at the DNC. Michelle Obama’s speech was so moving, it moved right into Melania Trump’s document file. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Like a Bawse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ESPN reports 450,000 condoms will be distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics. 7 of those condoms will be used by the US men’s race-walking and badminton teams alone. 

In India, in the town of Chainpur, monkeys overran a voting site. And not only that, but 30 of the monkeys wrote-in a vote for Donald Trump.

Starbucks will now allow baristas to wear fedoras. So now the Starbucks baristas have a job and a hat they cannot spell. 

It is part of Starbucks program to become 50% more hipster-doofussie. 

According to political experts, at her DNR speech, Hillary Clinton has to put the latest email leaking controversy aside. That is why her speech is titled “Bernie’s My Mensch.” 

At the Rio Olympics, the Australian team refused to check in to the Village for health reasons. Asked to comment, one said, “Crickie, the arvo we got here we saw mozzies the size of gallahs.” The Australian interpreter translated: “That afternoon they saw mosquitos as big as parrots.”

You know an Olympic Village is messed up when Crocodile Dundee would rather stay in a Motel 6. 

You know those two raptors from the Jurassic Olympic team? They just checked into a Holliday Inn Express. 

During his RNC speech, Donald Trump courted Bernie Sanders voters. I’m no political expert, but Trump has as much chance to get Bernie Sanders supporters as Melania does to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

The  Rio Olympics are just over a week away. The full name is Rio De Janeiro, which is Spanish for: Bob Costas will get pink-eye again.
The construction reports from the Rio Olympics are not good. How bad is it? NBC’s Bob Costas may opt to broadcast from Sochi. 

Sunday, July 24, 2016

The RNC was a mild fiasco, now it looks like the DNC might be one too. Well, at least we have the Rio Olympics to look forward to. What? 

Eric Clapton’s guitar sold for $60,000 for a worthy medical cause. In a related story, one of Justin Bieber’s microphones was thrown away because it smelled funny. 

Prior to the DNC, the DNCom chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, resigned over leaked emails. For the DNC, that is one of the worst starts I have ever heard of that did not involve an iceberg. 

The International Olympic Committee ruled it will leave the ban of Russia up to each sport. When asked to elaborate, the IOC said, “Frankly, if we’re not getting a bribe, we don’t care.” 

The Australian Olympic team has decided not to stay in the Rio Olympic village for health reasons. To repeat, the one country where every living thing, except koalas, is trying to kill them, they think the Rio village is too dangerous. 

Since you asked:

(This is neither pro nor anti Hillary. It is about Trump)

Donald Trump is used to people treating him a certain way because of who he is. The problem is he is not who he says he is. Donald Trump plays a cartoon character of himself: Scrooge McDuck with orange-face. Donald Trump has no idea who or what the hell he is. 

Rich folks, like Trump, who expect people to kiss their ass because they’re rich, are in for a rude awakening in presidential politics. John F. Kennedy was a spoiled rich kid’s son until he got into the Navy. And as spoiled and as rich as Kennedy was, he was not prepared for how much people did not care how rich he was when he was president.

Martin Luther, King Jr., J. Edgar Hoover, Khrushchev and US Steel did not give a rat’s ass how rich John F. Kennedy was and they let him know it. The military did not care how rich John F. Kennedy was and they kicked his handsome, bony ass all over the White House during the Bay of Pigs. 

Donald Trump is a bully and a make-up-faced, silly, tiny-fingered buffoon who will get his ass kicked by real life tough people like Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel. 

Although I am not a libertarian, Gary Johnson said it best: 

Donald Trump is a pussy.