Saturday, September 27, 2003

You got to bring it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dork mobiles
You know those Segway scooters? 6,000 are being recalled due to a software glitch that can throw riders off when the battery is low. It is serious, now when riding the Segway you could actually hurt something besides your dignity.

The glitch is serious, now when riding the Segway you could actually hurt something besides your chances to get a date.

Poor Gray Davis, first his election is recalled and now his scooter is recalled.

The good news for Segway owners is that, while the scooter is away being repaired, you temporarily get to have your pride back.

Stoned again
You know that Nigerian woman whose stoning death sentence was overturned? Turns out it was just transferred to their women’s soccer team goalie. The U.S. pounded Nigeria 5-0.

Mia Hamm scored two goals and had an assist in the US women’s soccer 5-0 inhalation of Nigeria. It wasn’t really fair, most of the Nigerian team members are Muslims and they cannot touch Hamm.

A story about nothing
The traveling secretary for the New York Yankees was arrested in Chicago after getting in a shoving match with a security guard. Upon hearing this, Jason Alexander who played George Costanza in “Seinfeld”announced the cast has a great idea for one more show.

Did you see the Arianna-Arnold snit fit at the debate? It was Boris and Natasha right out of “Rocky and Bullwinkle: “Arianna, darlink?” “Yes, Arnold baby?” “Sharrup you mouth.”

Shaken, not stirred
Japan had a horrible earthquake. It was so bad it actually shook some people into a theater showing J. Lo and Ben’s “Gigli.”

Since you asked;
One of the great, funny and classy acts in all of sports announced his retirement yesterday in, what was not surprising, a great, funny and classy way.

Mark Grace reminded me of Tom Wolfe’s description of first astronaut Alan Shepard in “The Right Stuff.” Shepard had two nicknames, depending on the situation. The first was Smilin’ Al. Smilin’ Al loved to have fun and joke around. Smilin’ Al was everybody’s pal. But when someone crossed him or messed up, out came the Ice Commander, a feared and respected stern leader. That was Mark Grace.

At one point during a game, Gracy could be scratching out a tick-tac-toe game in the dirt to play with his rival first baseman. The next moment Gracy could be chewing out a pitcher who didn’t hustle to cover a play, and that pitcher would look like a scolded first grader, nod and say, “Yes sir.”

There are so many funny lines attributed to Grace, but the one that seems to sum him up was when he was when he led the league in doubles one year, they asked how he did it. Gracy replied;

“I turned a lot of triples into doubles.’

Modest, funny, handsome and good. (There are so few of us.) Mark Grace loved and respected the game, but he also remembered it was a game. I’m not sure if I see next year’s crop.

If and when – and how I hope they do – the Cubs make the playoffs, they should pick Gracy up. Mark Grace in a Cubs uniform and Wrigley Field dressed up in bunting in the post season? It doesn’t get any better than that. OK, maybe a drunk naked hot-tubbing sessioon with Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra, but that's it.

In addition, now that Don Henley has become overly cranky and litigious, Mark Grace officially replaces the Eagle drummer as the guy I would most like to have a drink with, excuse my preposition. (David Letterman doesn't drink)

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Oh yes, we got game all day long, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ringling and Arnold Brothers
People have described our recall election as a circus. Well I am here to say that is unfair and wrong; there is no way a circus could have this many freaks, clowns and animals running amok.

Critics are saying the debate wasn’t well run. In response, the organizers of the debate say they will look into it and they are fairly positive they will find a way to blame Gray Davis.

Green Acres is the place to be . . .
Hey Arianna Huffington, Ava and Zsa Zsa Gabor called, they want their accent back.

Jou got some splainin’ to do, Lucy
Is it must me, or does Cruz “Bust a move” Bustamante look like Lucy’s boss, Mr. Mooney from “The Lucy Show”?

This esplains that
Did you see Arianna Huffington’s tirade during the debate? Now we know why her husband went gay.

During the debate, Arianna Huffington suggested we should close corporate tax loopholes. This from a rich woman who paid $800 in taxes last year. This is like Arnold coming out against violence in movies.

And action
After the debate, analysts raved over Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance. They couldn’t believe he did it in one take.

Arnold Schwarzenegger had a kind of embarrassing moment during the debate: when asked about a complicated problem in the budget, Arnold said; “Hasta la vista . . . no, I’ll be baaack . . . uh, game ooover . . . Maria, which one of my movie lines goes with this?”

Welcome to our century
A Nigerian court has overturned a women’s stoning death sentence for adultery. In addition, Nigeria is also considering embracing the concept that the world is, in fact, round.

Toss up
Now the rumor is that J. Lo and Ben Affleck are back together. Can I ask you folks a question? Who has become more annoying, Ben Affleck or that annoying duck in the insurance commercial that quacks Aflac?

Since you asked:
I missed the California recall debate. Why? Because I got caught up watching my Cubbies and then forget about it. Four, baby, four.

From what I have read and heard, everyone is impressed that Arnold didn’t step on his, well, tongue. Is that a good enough qualification to be governor? Hey, he didn’t mess up nearly as much as we thought, so let’s elect him. No.

Clearly McClintock is the class of the field by far. Kudos to Arnold. He showed sincerity and conviction, but the guy is an actor. Actor, as I have mentioned before, don’t write what they say, they don’t direct what they do, they don’t come up with the money, hell, they can’t even put on their own make up. Why on earth do they feel qualified to run anything, let alone, run for office?

Here is what should be done: Arnold and McClintock hold a joint press conference where Arnold graciously and humbly – a word not tossed around with Action hero movie stars – admits that, although he gave a great shot, it is obvious that he and McClintock would kill the republican vote. So, being more concerned about California (Or as Arnold pronounces it, cauliflower) than his ego, Arnold will back McClintock.

This is a win win. Arnold can then get a high level position in McClintock’s administration and everyone looks good. Otherwise, the only sensible thing is to vote against the recall, and we then are stuck with Gray “I could screw up a two-car funeral procession” Davis.

Why is it incumbent upon me to clear these things up? Let’s show a little initiative, Slats and Nuggies.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Word up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Listed as fay to fay
More bad news for the San Diego Chargers; today while doing his yoga meditation, wide receiver David Boston sustained a soft tissue bruise to his Chi. He is listed as very questionable.

Now, I don’t want to imply that David Boston is a big wussy, but I have seen flower girls go past bridesmaids for the wedding bouquet harder than Boston went after a couple passes.

“Natasha darlink?”
Did you catch the recall candidate’s debate? It was wild. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington got in a big shouting match over whose fault it was that they haven’t caught Moose and Squirrel.

Only in California could a recall get recalled. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls the recall: the sequel.

The umpire outed him
The Gay softball world series is embroiled in a controversy. One of the teams is being accused of using a straight ringer. They suspected the ringer of being straight when he didn’t know the words to the team’s song, Gloria Gaynor’s “I will Survive.”

They suspected the ringer of being straight when he couldn’t name his favorite Barbra Striesand movie
They suspected the ringer of being straight when, after the game, he shaved and splashed on Old Spice instead of applying an Algae facial cleanser and a vitamin A,D and E cleansing bar.

Go Cubbies
After watching the litany of historic Red Sox woes on HBO’s “The Curse of the Bambino,” that program accomplished something that I didn’t think was possible: it made Chicagoans downright relieved to be Cubs fan. Their teams just lose, they weren’t sentenced to Devine retribution.

Starting out with a good move
Ohio State bust Maurice Clarett is suing the NFL to join early. There is simply no way to get off to a better start with your future employer than to bring a nasty lawsuit. Well, that or a fruit basket.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Laydizzle the funkizzle and smackizzle dizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers (I got no idea what that means)

(Anyone got a Snoop to English dictionary all up in here?)

Windy City Wonderful
Sunday was a glorious day for Chicago sports fans, the Cubs won, the Houston Astros lost and the Bears didn’t play.

It’s ceiling fan-tastic

Orlando Magic’s Tracy McGrady tells "Slam" magazine that 5 percent of NBA players are gay. I’m not going to name names, but I had my suspicions when one player got a tattoo of a window treatment.

Today Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he is not an NBA player.

Getting up there
*Hurdle great Edwin Moses is attempting a comeback at age 48. It’s kind of embarrassing, now when Edwin runs, he leaves his turn signal on the whole time.

*There is an ugly rumor circulating that one of the “Queer Eye” guys may be straight. Can anyone else remember back when being straight wasn’t actually an entertainment career liability?

That’s a lot of dropped balls
As if the news wasn’t bad enough for the 0-3 San Diego Chargers, today they were charged with unlawfully impersonating the Padres. The Chargers receivers dropped more balls than a veterinarian on Free Neutering Day.