That's how we roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Kinda like that
Due to a court edict, Kobe Bryant's cameras can only shoot Kobe Bryant's accusor from behind. Kind of how Kobe did.

Title change
The headline was "Singer Bobby Brown released from jail." At what point can we stop calling this clown a singer? He hasn't sung in years. Isn't Brown now devoted to being a full-time screw up?

Good tip
*Donald Trump has written a book on how to get rich. Chapter Three? How to brush out your eyebrows and scowl.

Now that's scary
FBI Director Robert Mueller said new security measures need to be taken due to the upcoming party conventions and elections, but also because Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston and Courtney Love are all out of jail and wandering around free.

We don't have to go there, but we did anyway, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


So doth the Donald writeth
*Donald Trump has written a book on how to get rich. In chapter six Trump says a good way to become rich is to become the hairstylist for Donald Trump.

Chapter three in Donald Trump's How to Get Rich: Get a TV show where you can a bunch of groveling butt -smoochers.

Who can blame her?
*Whitney Houston left her drug clinic after just five days. She claimed it was a big rip-off and a fraud. She was in there for five days and Whitney couldn't find one single drug in the entire so-called drug clinic.

It's a puzzle
*A Massachusetts judge ordered Bobby Brown to pay $63,500 or go to jail. Brown claims he can't pay it. Well, my goodness, what could Bobby and Whitney be spending all their money on? Hmm.

It appears Bobby's assets are not liquid right now, they are more in the powder form.

In an ill-advised move, Whitney Houston offered to pay the fine in cocaine.

About face
*Kobe Bryant faced his accuser for the first time in court. And when I say he faced her for the first time, I'm not kidding.

A nice try, Lex, but not quite
*Supposedly, after an argument with fellow "American Idol" judge, Paula Abdul, "Mr. Nasty" Simon Cowell rested his face in his hand with his middle finger extended, in the f-you gesture, toward Abdul. Simon denies the flip-off, so I guess it was just a phalanx malfunction.

Who dare he? What did he say?
*It is officially ugly between the White House and former counterterrorism official Richard Clarke. Clarke accused President Bush of subterfuge, an accusation that Bush both denied and had to look up.

John "Dude" Kerry
*John Kerry has resumed the campaign after his Idaho snowboard vacation. It still amazes me that Kerry is an avid snowboarder. If he gets elected president, will that make Kerry the First Dude?

This makes John Kerry the only snowboarder who doesn't smoke pot and call everyone Dude.

If you gave me one thousand activities for John Kerry, snowboarding would be the last one I would pick. Chess? Sure. Tiddlywinks? Maybe. Snowboarding? No chance.

I could have pictured John Kerry in a tutu before seeing him on a snowboard.

Personally, I can't picture John Kerry, rippin' a sick backside grinder, copping righteously gnarly air and stickin' the landing fakey.

Idaho? No, you da' Ho
*John Kerry has resumed the campaign after his snowboard vacation in Idaho. And speaking of Ho's, Courtney Love has been quiet lately.

Hey batter, batter, batter, hey, batter, batter, uh, schwing, batttuh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


(You can say what you want about these jokes, but you have to admit, they are low in carbs)



Well at least she gave it a fair shot
*Whitney Houston left rehab after only five days. Although Whitney enjoyed the clinic and the staff, she found that rehab was just too difficult a place to do a lot of drugs.



*Whitney Houston has checked out of a rehab clinic after only five days of treatment. That's like "American Idol's" Reuben Studdard trying to lose weight by doing a single jumping jack.



Appropriate locale
*Madonna is going back on tour with the "Re-Invention Tour." Britney Spears is also on tour. Hey, maybe Madonna and Britney can hook up on the road, in say, French Lick, Indiana?





Now that is disgusting
*The average movie now costs over $100 million to make. You think that's disgusting? Think of $100 million a movie and then say the word "Gigli."





With liberty and Halliburton for all
*The Supreme Court signaled they don't have concerns with the words under god in the pledge of allegiance. Although Justice Scalia did suggest they could change it to under Dick Cheney.

Since you asked;
There is a great expression that says you can judge someone by how well they treat people who cannot benefit them.

There is also a great expression that says you can't judge how someone looks until you spray them down with a hose.

We cold busted flat in Baton Rouge, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Apologies to Orange Juice Jones and Janis Joplin)

How chilly was it?
*It was chilly early this morning. I was shaking like a Palestinian Hamas leader.

Hamas has picked a new leader, Abdel Aziz Rantissi. I wonder what he did to piss them off?

This Rantissi guy isn't going to have an easy time getting lunch dates. "Oh, sorry, tomorrow? No-can-do, I'm busy not getting blown up."

Buck me, buck me
*Paris Hilton was released from the hospital after being bucked and kicked by a horse. Apparently the horse became furious when he discovered that the video of him and Paris was on the Internet.

How boring is he?
*I don't want to say that John Kerry is boring, but his Secret Service code name is Yawn.

Ride, Kerry, ride
*Did you see the shot of John Kerry snowboarding in Idaho? Give the guy credit, it wasn't easy for him to learn, as a democrat, he can only turn to the left.

I don't want to say Kerry looked stiff, but the board was riding Kerry.

Somehow, though I just can't see Kerry answering to the name Dude.

Nothing quite as sad as an older guy trying to look cool. Watching Kerry snowboard reminded me of the skit when Bob Hope dressed as a hippy.

Did you see that clip of John Kerry snowboarding in Idaho? He was a natural. He started down the left, than he switched positions to the right, then back to the left, then over to the right.

Politically Incarcerated
*In Edmonton Canada, prison guards can no longer wear stab-proof Kevlar vests because they apparently offend the inmates. Today the prisoners also requested that the prison gates and their cell doors be kept wide open so as not to induce claustrophobia.

Fill her up
*Gas prices are out of control. Today I pulled up to the pump and the choices were Unleaded, Regular, and If You Have To Ask You Can't Afford It.

Not a math guy
*I'm admittedly not great with numbers, so I can't figure this out, but here it is: just two weeks from opening day and the New York Mets have already been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

Just two weeks until baseball starts. Or as the players think of it: just two more steroid injections.

Since you asked:
So there was my then four-year-old fiesty and, if I may, adorable daughter Ann Caroline listening to our four-year-old neighbor Eric as he bragged about his fancy-shmancy swim class. Ann Caroline responded; "I'm in that class too." That caught my attention because, well, she wasn't.

Eric asked; "What level are you in?"

Ann Caroline replied; "What level are you in?"

Eric said; "Three."

Ann Caroline shot right back; "I'm in four."

(Sniff) That's my girl.

I told this story to a friend after reading an awesome story in Mike McIntee's hilarious Wahoo Gazette at "The Late Show's" website.

Seems around Christmas, some guy's three-year-old daughter emerges at the top of the stairs wearing a scarf on her head and announces that, for the rest of the day, she will be Jesus' mother Mary and that he, her father, will play the role of Jesus.

Cut to: Later that day they are in line at the grocery store, the little girl yells out:

"Jesus, you forgot the Ovaltine."

NCAA Brackets? We ain't got no brackets. We don' need no stinkin' brackets, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Not a misprint, Paris gets bucked
*Filming "The Simple Life" Paris Hilton was bucked by a horse. She is fine, but it marks the first time Paris made the news for not being mounted.

Big deal? That's not news. Oh, wait, sorry, I miss heard it. Paris Hilton got BUCKED. Oh. Got it.

One Guy: They took out my Gonzaga. Second Guy: That had to hurt.
*With # 1's Kentucky and Stanford and # 2 Gonzaga gone, the NCAA has turned guys into old Florida retired men in a diner: They can only talk about but what's been removed.

Good news, guys
*Good news. The FCC has hooked up with Pfizer. The result? A Viagra pill that has a seven-second delay.

Mass deception
*The Pentagon has asked the Justice Department to investigate the Halliburton oil services group's profits in post-war Iraq. Financially speaking, they are looking for weapons of mass deductions.

Patent this
*Reuters reports that Donald Trump has applied for trademark status for "You're fired." In addition, Trump wants to patent the terms pompous schmuck, tacky and bad-combover.


Where you been, Bob?
*A Taliban spokesman told The Associated Press in a phone interview that both al-Zawahri and al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden are alive and hiding inside Afghanistan -- far from the Pakistani guns. So that's what Baghdad Bob's been doing.

That nutty, nutty Courtney
*This just in: Courtney Love is reportedly close to capturing Osama bin Laden. If she can't scare him into surrendering, nobody can.

*Do you realize that if Courtney Love gay-married "Friends" Courtney Cox, she would then be Courtney Love-Cox?

Poor Courtney Love, now with Gonzaga gone, she has little chance of winning her psycho ward's NCAA pool.

*There is good news and bad news for Courtney Love. The good news is Courtney has passed Whitney Houston as the craziest female singer; the bad news is Courtney can't catch Christine Aguilera as the scankiest.

*In two big upsets this weekend Alabama beat Stanford and Courtney Love didn't get arrested.

Taking a shot
*Taiwan President Chen Shui-bian narrowly won re-election on Saturday, a day after he was shot in the stomach by a would-be assassin. His opponent declared the election unfair. Unfair? Did he think he should have been shot too? Talk about a sore loser. "Hey, I didn't get shot, no fair."

If getting shot gets you elected, Dennis Kucinich should hire someone to blow him up.

Industry term
*Did you see Philadelphia Veteran's stadium demolition? It imploded in a rolling domino effect, or as the demolition pros call that: New York Mets style

Don't doubt it
"Dawn of the Living Dead" beat out "The Passion of the Christ" this weekend. Can't you hear the sleazy producer?

"I got an idea for box office gold. After being crucified, Jesus rises from the dead . . . as a flesh eating zombie. Yeah, it's called 'Dawn of the Living Resurrection.'"

The remake of "Dawn of the Living Dead" was number one. That is the big thing, remakes of classics. Wouldn't you just love to see Jackie Chan remake "Scarface?"

"Say herro to my rittle friend."