We all about the all about the all about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget RanchersFierce nightSunday night was the Academy Awards or as it is otherwise known: “The Gay Super Bowl.”
Everyone is a winnerJack Nicholson didn’t win an academy award, but the night wasn’t a total loss. Jack did win the Britney Spears look-alike contest.
You would get sick tooIraqi President Jalal Talabani fell ill and was flown to Jordan for treatment. Talabini fell ill when it suddenly dawned on him that he was the President of Iraq.
So cuteThere was a nasty feud on “American Idol” when Simon Cowel called Ryan “Sweetheart” and Ryan became upset. Ryan prefers Simon call him “My widdle butter muffins.”
So mean to the FrenchUpon hearing Denmark and Great Briton are withdrawing from Iraq, France became jealous and entered Iraq just so they could retreat.
She was p.o.’d.Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have been fighting. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Hillary got so furious at Barack, she flew into a rage and accidentally called him Bill.
Rat attackThere was a news clip of a New York City Taco Bell overrun by rats. The good news is, because it was in Greenwich Village, they were gay rats so they only went after the tofu burritos.
There was a news clip of a New York City Taco Bell overrun by rats. The good news is that rats are leaving the New York City Taco Bell, the bad news is the rats left because they all got sick with e-coli.
BitterNew Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd is in a messy divorce with his psycho wife Joumana, who claims Kidd threw a cookie at her. In response, a defiant Kidd replied it may have been a mistake to throw a cookie at her, throwing a Ho Ho would have been more appropriate.
YuckA Romanian woman swallowed her lover’s upper dentures during sex and then she elected to expel them naturally. Ouch, talk about getting your butt chewed out.
Green my buttAl Gore won an Academy Award for his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” Then Gore and his ten secret service agents climbed into their ten separate stretch limos to rush to their waiting fuel-burning private jet.
Since you asked:One thing you notice, no matter what profession, people love to talk in work-related jargon to try and sound impressive. Everyone, no matter whether they are stuffing tortillas with rat meat at Taco Bell or performing brain surgery, loves to use technical, industry specific secret nicknames and terms.
It is a sort of “The Sting” like nose finger fllick signal that you are an insider.
Is there any good reason why a quarterback runs up to the huddle and shouts:
“Green swivel hot route, bay cat seven, sky diesel sconch, suitcase boiler jimmy rig red dog skipper seven”?
No, he could easily say;
“Jim, you run towards the goal posts, Dwight, cut across the middle and Dave, I’ll chuck it long.”
But that wouldn’t sound near-wise as cool.
Since there really aren’t many moving parts to writing stupid jokes, I am going to make up my own fake terms and use them to describe crafting a joke.
Normally you have a premise, or topic, then a set up, and then the punch line, sometimes followed by the scorcher. To a degree I suppose those are technical terms, but everyone knows what they mean when they hear them.
From now on the premise or topic is now called the moose hoof. Why? It needs to make a big impression, so it is now called the moose hoof.
The moose hoof leads into the set up which I will now label the San Marcos Pass. (There is a road that goes into the mountains above Santa Barbara called San Marcos Pass and I have always loved the sound of it, so that is now what the set up is)
The punch line is now the punctuating impact Nassau. (I’ve always loved the sound of the golf bet Nassau, it sounds so shaken-not-stirred James Bondish) And the scorcher is now the end game funk jammer. (When in doubt use nautical or jazz terms. Jammer is both)
Moose foot to San Marcos Pass, then punctuating impact Nassau followed sometimes by the end game funk jammer.
Now for the topics.
Politicians are Baby kissers.
The President is POTUS (President of the United States)
Actors are Romeos.
Fast food joints are Cardio spreaders.
Actresses are Sarah B’s for Sarah Bernherdt, the hammy silent movie star.
Sports jokes are Jock rockers. Medical jokes are RX’s. Sex jokes are Bumping Nasties. Political jokes are vote killers. Lawyer jokes are amby chasers. Terrorists are rag lighters.
Hookers are nookie coiners, and sluts are skank yankers.
With these terms plus other creative substitutions for regular terms and this describes the following joke:
There was a suicide bomb attack a half mile from the base where the Vice President was located. Authorities aren’t clear on the identity of the attacker but at this point they suspect a vengeful quail-hunting attorney.
So the Moose hoof is a rag lighter, the San Marcos Pass is that the rag lighter dots his I a half click near the V. Potus. The punctuating impact Nassau is that the rag lighter is really a fowl-shooting Amby Chaser, no end game funk jammer needed.
Righteous.
Of course, how a joke does is given a baseball hit reference, single, double, stand up double, triple, home run, grand slam or strike out. Unless you need to resort to the explosion references. It bombed is the opposite of it killed.
A Howitzer is a joke whose punctuation impact Nassau is repeated again later. (Letterman is a master of this, turning a bomb into a solid stand up triple simply by giving it multiple Howitzers)
And pulling a Johnny C (Carson) is when you pungle the bunch line but do so in a funny way.
"Yeah, I blew the Nassau on my Paris Hilton crank yanker but Johnny C'd it by later Howitzering it with my Madonna/Sarah B end game funk jammer and turned it from a pop up into a sliding double."
Sniff, teeth suck. Oh yeah, beeee buuhhhh.
