Saturday, December 01, 2012

After a promising junior season as a - 11.29.10 - SI Vault

This is where I SUP'd in Florida. Wabasso Beach

Friday, November 30, 2012

You’re a daisy if you do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Starbucks is offering a $7 cup of coffee. It is called a Vente De Bag-a-douche.

Yahoo reveals parents had a baby girl and named her Hashtag. You think that is pathetically needy? They were going to name her MyDadNeedsMoreTwitterFollowers.

Chicago Bear, Brandon Marshall, said NFL players are taking Viagra to get a physical advantage; the bad news is now players can be penalized for holding and sexual assault.

Facebook removed a picture of a woman in a bathtub because they mistook her elbows for her breasts; mistook her elbows for her breasts. Sounds like my high school prom night all over again.

A survey claims 52% of married women would rather read a book and take a nap than have sex with their husband; unless the book is “50 Shades of Grey,” then they want to read a book, sit on the washing machine and then take a nap.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested in New York after allegedly striking a woman at a nightclub; its hard to imagine Lindsay acting out when she can't act.

The Post Office announced it lost over $16 billion this year. They said they will reexamine their business plan. And by reexamine, they mean get one.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her boyfriend after she claims he had an orgasm too quickly; she was charged with assault and battery, he was charged with being a guy.

Since you asked: 

The NFL. Where Parity mixes with Parody. 

We've discussed it before, but never have so many people been a-holes and less people thought they were a-holes. So, as a public service, here are some top signs someon may be an a-hole:

They're a man over 40 and they have a ponytail.

They're a woman over 35 and they still speak in the affected, valley-girl lisp.

They cheat at words with friends

They stop their car in the crosswalk at stop signs and stop lights. 

They use a blue tooth earpiece.

They talk loudly on cell phones in front of a captive audience.

They scuffle and shuffle their feet as they walk.

They hang long, slow diagonal walks in parking lots.

They sit in their parked car in the red zone

They cheat at Words with Friends

They're wearing a New York Jets, New York Mets or Philadelphia Anything jersey.

They don't like dogs.

They like cats way, way too much.

They intervenir their conversations with Francais. 

They brag incessantly about credit card miles.

They post long political tirades on Facebook or Twitter.

They talk about their low gluten diet at all, let alone way too much.

They're a Vegan

They change lanes without signaling, they speed up to cut people off, they go out of turn at stop signs. In other words, they drive a Prius or a Range Rover. 

They drive with their little yappy lap dog in their lap. 

And finally, you may be an a-hole if you complain about how effed-up the NFL is and how it ruined your fantasy football team despite several genius moves that should have been rewarded, but met with defeat due to wild, untalented and blind luck on behalf of the other idiots - most wildly mentally and emotionally unstable closet queens - who are in your league. 

OK, so I qualify on one. 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

THE ROLLING STONES - All Down The Line (audio w/ lyrics)

Best road-trip song ever.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Walter Payton Kaseberg, "Pee on Dad" Wally, doing his very best "Taxi Driver." "You talkin' to me?" 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

"I'll take what Bruce Jenner never, ever did for $500, Alex."
The amazing Milt Campbell, instructs two kids. 

Most underrated athlete of all time? Might have to go with the recently departed Milt Campbell. Yes, he won a gold medal in the Decathlon in Melbourne beating a young Rafer Johnson. He  won the silver the Olympics prior. He also set New Jersey state swim records, became world class at Judo, defeated the New Jersey state wrestling heavyweight champion and played in the same backfield as Jim Brown for the Cleveland Browns.

El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Love letters from Mick Jagger to a former girlfriend are being auctioned. Not to give anything away, but you will never look at Betty White the same way again. 

A Florida man posing as a dentist, told a woman he was administering a shot to her buttocks and then kissed her butt; that is shocking. Somebody in Florida went to a dentist?

A New York doctor is offering pokertox, Botox for patients who don’t want their facial expressions to indicate what kind of poker hand they have; in a related story, the new favorite to win the World Series of Poker?  Cher.

Monday, November 26, 2012

There is a new documentary that claims OJ Simpson did not kill his wife and Ron Goldman, a serial killer did. It is called; “The Documentary I am Never Going to Watch.” 

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, has filed bankruptcy; this explains why Sara Lee has come out with a new cream-filled snack cake called; “Suck it, Bitches.” 

Sara Lee hasn't been this excited since she read "50 Shades of Grey." 

Since you asked:

How messed up is this NFL season? Let's put it this way. The giant NFL-expert brain trusts who are paid big coin to predict the Monday Night Football schedule, picked the 3-7 Eagles to play the 2-8 Panthers because they were sure this game would have late-season playoff implications.

In my-soon-to-be-ex-Fantasy League, some dude with a man-crush for Tom Brady happened to land Adrian Peterson in the later rounds - AP  couldn't start game #1 because he was still coming back from a serious MCL operation - and now, due to a mind-blowing comeback by Peterson nobody could have predicted,  he is undefeated. 

A couple weeks ago a 1-8 team beats a 8-1 team. Just look at how inconsistent the Giants are. This week Reggie Bush goes MVP, before that he was MIA. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Parity. Injuries. Pass-happy teams are unpredictable by definition. Look at the Cowboys. Virtually no running game. None. And yet they, like almost every other team in the NFC East, are still in the hunt.