Friday, September 25, 2015
The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Washington Nationals 6-2 with an inside –the-park grand slam. That is the most guys to score on one hit since Paris Hilton went to Burning Man.
The #1 selling jersey in the NFL is the Tom Brady jersey. So kids, let that be a lesson to you: even if you’re rich and have four Super Bowl rings, if you cheat and then deny it, you too might make millions in merchandising revenue.
It is so hot in LA, Kristen Stewart’s resting bitch face turned into melting bitch face.
The #1 selling jersey in the NFL is the Tom Brady jersey. And no, Roger Goodell, those numbers are not inflated.
“The difference between quit and quite is just a little bit more E.” Your buddy Lex’s quote of the day.
China opened a 600-foot-high glass-bottom pedestrian bridge. It must have been terrifying for the children who made it.
An L.A. judge ruled the man, Bruce Jenner, is now Caitlyn Jenner, the woman. This officially makes Chris Jenner a lesbian.
House Speaker John Boehner announced he is resigning from congress in an emotional speech. The emotional part in not surprising, Boehner has tearful elevator exchanges.
Jose Cuervo tequila has a commercial depicting the Rolling Stones tour of ’72, but played to the Stones’ ’78 song “Miss You.” So I guess the message is Cuervo can give you a six-year blackout.
Donald Trump said he does not believe in climate change. Which is hard to believe with that thing on his head molting like crazy.
Following Speaker, John Boehner’s surprise resignation, President Obama called Boehner “A good man.” Oh, no, that is politician for “We need to talk.”
It has been unbelievably hot in Southern California for over a month. Our one and only sign of Fall this year will be when Trick or Treaters knock on our door and say; "Hola."
Thursday, September 24, 2015
It is officially Fall. You can tell it’s fall, in New York City, the Pizza Rat dragged a fresh piece of pumpkin pie down the stairs.
Donald Trump is jealous of the attention the Pope is getting. Trump pointed to the white Zuchetto beanie the Pope wears and said; “You think my hairpiece is bad?”
Tonight the 0-2 New York Giants face the 1-1 Washington Redskins. This is a big game for the Giants. Eli Manning had to put off filming two commercials this week.
The bubble wrap they now make will no longer pop when you squeeze it. As a married man, can I just ask: did you have to take away my last pleasure?
Did you see speaker, John Boehner, crying next to Pope Francis? When the Pope left, he had orange tear-stains on his white cloak.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign vowed Hillary will be more hip and funny. Tomorrow Hillary will post a spemoji-mime on Tweeterbook and Pinstagram. It will go virile.
At the White House, Pope Francis met the two first dogs, Bo and Sunny. It was awkward. When the Pope asked if the dogs were neutered, Obama said, “Yes, it’s so depressing to think they’ll never have sex ever again. Oh . . . sorry.”
A single-engine plane landed in a street in Orange County. And yet a Prius driver still managed to cut it off.
On Saturday in Philadelphia, Pope Francis will attend an event hosted by Mark Wahlberg. The truth is the Pope used Wahlberg as an excuse to meet Ted.