Friday, September 01, 2006

Say what? Rollercoaster, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So cute
Did you hear that Britney Spear’s baby, Sean Preston, said his first words? He said; “Dada.” Actually, what he said was; “Dada, get a job.”

Poor thing
Billionaire Warren Buffet got married on his 76th birthday; in a related story, Anna Nicole Smith has been placed on suicide watch.

Nookie State?
The Hustler Hollywood sex boutique stores are advertising back-to-school sales. Who is this for, people who are enrolled at Hooter’s U.?

One or other
At the store where Britney Spears is registered for her baby shower, Britney has listed many pink and frilly gifts. So either Britney is having a girl or a very, very gay boy.

No shot, that’s what
Former NASCAR champion, Rusty Wallace, totaled his SUV when a woman ran a stop sign while talking on her cell phone. Rusty is fine, but if a race car champion can’t avoid a yammering soccer mom driver, what the hell chance do the rest of us have?

Yay Keefers
The world’s oldest person passed away in Cuba at 115-years-old. Congratulations to the new oldest person alive: Keith Richards.

After not solving the 1996 JonBenet Ramsey case, the Boulder police fly a suspect, John Mark Karr, first class from Thailand only to find he is not a DNA match so they let him go. If the Boulder police were any more inept they’d be in the C.I.A.

Not good
John Mark Karr was extradited from Thailand to Boulder as a suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey murder, polygamist Warren Jeffs was arrested for marrying underage girls. This is a tricky time for creepy white pedophiles. So watch out, Michael Jackson.

We kid the French
Airport security is banning people from carrying on deodorant, shaving cream, toothpaste and mouthwash. So expect a huge surge in tourism from France.

That in-between thang
Michael Jackson turned 48 this week. This is an awkward age for Michael, too old to be a pop star, to young to start dating grown ups.

It is hard out here

Vis-a-vis, aka, F.Y.I. apropos the 411 skinny via the low-down per the shizzle in the mizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Like that
Astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet. Pluto was kicked out of our solar system. Just like Star Jones.

We kid the Tomcat
Hurricane Ernesto was downgraded to a tropical storm. In fact, Ernesto has lost so much power, Paramount Studios didn’t renew his contract.

It’s always the last place you look
Jessica Simpson has lost her voice. The embarrassing part? She’s looking for it everywhere.

Dogged driver
A woman in Beijing crashed when she let her dog drive her car. Turns out they lost control because the dog had to drive seven times the speed limit in dog years.

Important safety tip: don’t drive with your head sticking out of the window.

Good news bad news
A man in Poland who lost his tongue had it replaced with tissue from his buttocks. The good news is he can talk again. The bad news? His breath really stinks.

Apparently now the guy is a real butthead.

Astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet. That’s what happens if you piss off Barbra Walters.

No spring chicken legs
Michael Jackson turned 48 this week. You can tell Michael is getting older, he just can’t handle the Jesus Juice like he used to.

An international peacekeeping force in Lebanon was dealt a setback when the French only sent 400 troops instead of the thousands of troops they promised. It turns out the French have become so good at retreating they can now retreat before they even arrive.

You know the only thing more useless than 400 French soldiers? Thousands of French soldiers.

It might work
There is a video clip circulating e-mails of a Japanese game show where the male contestants attempt a tongue-twister and, if they fail, they get hit by a spring-loaded paddle in the groin. The good news is that we may have found the way to teach President Bush how to pronounce Nuclear.

San Diego State’s football coach, Chuck Long, requires players to send handwritten thank you notes to sports writers. That’s nothing, the University of Miami coach makes his players send writers personalized license plates they hand-stamped in prison.

Like them
The Oakland Raiders signed troubled 38-year-old washout Jeff George. George hasn’t completed a pass in the NFL in five years. Kind of like the Houston Texans.

We kid the French
Do you know what happened this week 62 years ago? The allied liberation of Paris from the Nazis and we Americans were involved in no small way. The only people who were involved in a small way? The French.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

With Paramount dumping Tom Cruise and the chief of the film co. Morgan Creek publicly chastising Lindsay Lohan’s poor work habits, it’s clear that Hollywood is fed up with spoiled movie stars. With their added expenses and trouble not translating into box office cash, studios are now shying away from questionably talented difficult divas. (See: Jennifer Lopez)

Imagine the countless millions of dollars Russell Crowe cost the producers and the studio of “Cinderella Man” when he brained that concierge with a wall phone while promoting the feel good nice guy movie. Feel good nice guy movies are a little hard to believe when their petulant drunken star is busy concussing the hotel staff.

The trend is towards low-profile, high-talented actors like “Sideways” Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church and Virginia Madsen. Not only has Paul Giamatti never thrown a phone and concussed the help, ala Crowe and Naomi Cambell, but I doubt he has ever cussed a dropped call.

Hollywood is taking a cue from the sports world. Big salary primma donnas don’t pay in the long run. The Philadelphia Eagles dumped Terrill Owens for the same reason Paramount dumped Tom Cruise.

Even in the cut-throat business world, companies are learning that employing jerks do not pay off in the end. One of the latest executive recruiting tactics is to observe carefully how a potential hire responds to a waiter when their food or drink order has been pre-arranged to be botched. One"Get me the manager” or “Do you know who I am?” and they are history.

People don’t want to pay money to a&&holes. And they certainly don’t want their hard earned money to go to making some jerk a billionaire. Used to be it was good enough to make nice when the cameras are rolling, ala Star Jones, but you could still be a screaming bitch behind the scenes. But as Barbra Walters has shown us, that doesn’t work anymore. Star was tossed off “The View” couch faster than a homeless person trying to nap at Ethan Allen.

Rumor has it that is the reason Pluto got canned as a planet. Sure, Pluto played the cute littlest planet up to the press, but to the other planets he was a difficult psycho with short man’s disease.

Like Tom Cruise.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My dogs are my diggity dig duggie- dogs, dog Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Like that
The Oakland Raiders signed trouble-maker washout Jeff George. George is 38 and hasn’t completed a pass in the NFL in five years. Just like the Houston Texans.

Didn’t see it coming
Hurricane Katrina hit one year ago today. Except at FEMA where it happened six months ago.

See if this works
John Mark Karr claimed he killed Jon Benet Ramsey and was flown first class to Boulder Colorado where DNA tests show he is innocent. Right now I would like to tell Paris that I confess to burning Joan of Arc.

NBC is going to turn the casting call for the musical “Grease” into a reality show. I think it’s called “Queer Eye for the Queer Guys.”

Now you can’t board a plane with deodorant, toothpaste or mouthwash. So for the people I’ve had to sit next to on a flight, this will change absolutely nothing.

Cut that out
Greenland is reporting that global warming has caused the genitals of Polar Bears to shrink. Oh great, perpetuate the stereotype that, because they are white, their genitals are smaller.

What a dick
A man in India walked into a hospital and announced he had two penises and he wanted one removed. The man had one too many penises on him. The technical name for that is Paris Hilton-itis.

One was bigger than the other. When they asked him which one he wanted removed, he said; "What the hell do you think?"

Happened before
There was a huge brush fire at the Neverland Ranch. The last time there was a fire on the Neverland Ranch they suspected it was started when Michael Jackson rubbed two Boy Scouts together.

Thousands of tickets to Barbra Streisand’s national tour were invalidated because they were purchased illegally by criminals. The suspects are considered armed and extremely gay.

Some day
Georgia beat Japan 2-1 to win the Little League World Series. So maybe next year it will be won by a team that speaks English.

Monday, August 28, 2006

What if I told you you could read some half-assed topical jokes for free? Would that be something that you would be interested in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Happy belated birthday to Wilt Chamberlain who would have been 70 last Monday; and if Wilt is like most guys when they get older, his claim of having been with 20,000 women would now be exaggerated to around 45,000.

20,000 women. That doesn’t even allow any time to brag to the boys.

My kind of guy
Jeremy Piven won the Emmy for best supporting actor in the HBO comedy “Entourage.” In fact, actor Jeremy Piven is so good portraying a ruthless Hollywood agent, he almost got the role of the lead snake on “Snakes on a Plane.”

Koo koo
The commentary for the international broadcast feed of the Oleg Maskaev-Hasim Rahman bout was provided by none other than Mike Tyson. This broadcast was closed-captioned for the insanity impaired.

Just an idea
Tiger Woods won his fourth straight tournament at the Bridgestone Invitational. How did Tiger Woods celebrate his PGA Championship the week before? He took his hot bikini model wife on his private luxury jet and flew to Houston to pick up an adorable Labradoodle puppy named Yogi. Just in case we didn’t realize how much our lives suck compared to Tiger Woods.

At the Bridgestone Invitational, third place finisher Jim Furyk’s backswing is so ugly and scary look for the new film “Furyk’s Backswing On a Plane.”

Furyk’s backswing looks like an old man in his boxers trying to close an umbrella in a hurricane.

Now that is old
There is a 90-year-old bartender in New York. He is so old he remembers when Old Grandad was just a young punk.

There is a 90-year-old bartender in New York. Actually, he’s not really a bartender, he’s looking to break into musical theater.

A former Osama bin Laden sex slave is writing a book. I think the title is “The Seventy-five Virgins You Meet In Heaven.”

Not good
“People” magazine’s “Before They Were Stars” issue reveals that Paris Hilton played soccer as a girl; Paris had a tough time at soccer, she didn’t like the fact that she couldn’t use her hands.

Again, my kind of guy
Jeremy Piven won an Emmy for best supporting actor in the HBO comedy “Entourage.” His acceptance speech was a little disappointing. It did not contain one “Let’s hug it out you little bitch.”

Since you asked:

Not to brag, but I was a fan of the Jeremy Piven back with the movie “Singles.” He stole the movie with his hyper-amped grocery clerk with the dead panned line; “You may have other plans.”

Then he kicked butt on “The Larry Sanders Show.” This is like my discovering Jennifer Anniston back when she was on “The Julie Brown Show."

You can’t throw a rock in the Evanston/North Shore area without hitting a big-hearted lug and likeable smart-ass cocky ex-jock like Jeff Garlin, Jeremy Piven, George Wendt, John Cusak, Bill Murray and Vince Vaughn. The Chicago area always has a bumper crop of loud-mouth, beer guzzling loveable knuckleheads. Hell, just think John Belushi.

But I could be biased.

Speaking of Hollywood.

To paraphrase Woody Allen, Hollywood is worse than dog eat dog;.it is dog tells the other dog he’s not on the list.

You can measure the downfall of a life in Hollywood by how many times they say; “What do you mean I am not on the list?” in the course of a month.

Can’t we all remember the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you walk up to go to the really cool kid’s party in high school? There is a billion years between the seconds when they make you stand there and then finally let you in. Or worse, they give you the boot.

Imagine that played out in front of the entire world’s sleazy Paparazzi?

It is true, Hollywood is high school with money, plastic surgery and better drugs and food. Oh, and sex.

Today is the day after the Emmys. Or as it is known in Hollywood. “I can’t get my deposit back from the Limo company because somebody puked in it” day.

One night we went out after work on Wall Street and tried to get into the scorching hot new club in New York at the time, the Palladium. We were in suits and there was a general milling about with the crowd in front. This stone-faced evil Dragon Lady was holding forth playing God deciding who she would or, in our case, would not let in. We were patient until it became apparent she wasn’t letting anyone in a suit inside. She sadistically enjoyed eyeing our group and then choosing whomever else walked up.

Gosh, I wonder what she is doing now? Probably deciding who gets the least stained mattress at a crack house in Trenton.

But at least I’m not bitter.