Saturday, February 06, 2016

One of my UCSB decathlon snake brother’s son, Marc Hartnett, just won a Junior International slalom race in Canada. Congratulations to little - now big - Marc Snake. Way to slither. 

And Sean Snake is winning high school hoop games with many sweet tres and Claire Snake continues to hit it out of the park as a five-tool performer. To honor these great Snake occasions, I will make a classy joke in their honor:

A study from England claims smelling people’s gas helps you fight diseases like cancer. So to my Uncle Carl, thank you for letting me pull your finger. 

And to my wife I would like to say: apology accepted.

Here it is Super Bowl 50 weekend between Denver and Carolina and the big question is: did Kanye West really ask Amber Rose to shove her fingers in his butt?

Here is Taylor - who is a friend of Amber Rose and probably knew what we all know now -  hoping Kanye washed his hand before touching the mic.

"Taylor Swift, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time, but nobody cares what I think 'cause all they can picture is me asking Amber Rose to stick her fingers in my booty."

Since you asked:

If there is one thing in the world that I am not, it is a rapper. 

But if I was a rapper, my biggest concern would be about keeping my street credibility. Or street cred. Rapper 50 (Fitty) Cent is losing his street cred and his fortune at the same time by having famous ‘ho celebrity non-rapper-like girlfriends like Kim Kardashian and Chelsea Handler. 

And this guy was shot nine times. 

So, if I was Kanye West, if I had a week to think of a nightmare for my street cred, I could not come up with anything worse than having a famous ex-girlfriend, like Amber Rose, going public on social media with the fact Kanye likes to have fingers shoved in his butt. 

Neither a fan nor a hater of Jeb Bush, but I am pretty sure Jeb just had his Howard Dean moment with "Please clap."

As a human who lives on this planet, it is my fervent wish that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are suffering the poor election results special bad karma which comes to powerful people who treat underlings like utter garbage. 

However, as a comedy writer, it is my even more fervent wish they both stay in the race as long as possible.

Would somebody please slap this face?

Martin Shkreli, the smug AIDs drug over-pricer, appeared smirking in front of congress and repeatedly invoked his fifth amendment rights. In an unprecedented occurrence, the fifth amendment told Shkreli to go screw himself. 

In a related story, Martin Shkreli set a new world record for having the face the most people want to slap. 

Rumor has it Kim Kardashian was so furious over Kanye West’s Twitter feud with his ex, Amber Rose, and her claiming to have inserted fingers in Kanye’s butt, that Kim wants a divorce. The last thing Kanye needs: another pain in the ass. 

One thing somebody famous for a sex tape cannot stand, it is the public exposing of private sexual acts.

Kanye has 99 problems, but the fear of a prostate exam isn't one of them.

(Yes, I know that is a Jay Z song) 

Friday, February 05, 2016

This is the sea lion pup that snuck into the swanky Marine Room. That is my stand up paddle board #1 spot. 

In La Jolla, CA, a sea lion pup crawled into the booth of a fancy beach-front restaurant. The sea lion claimed he had a reservation, but he could not hide his lion eyes. 

(RIP Glenn Frey) 

This week, Bernie Sanders received protection from the Secret Service. But they cannot come up with a codename for Bernie. So far the leading contenders are; “Yelling Hippy Uncle”, “Grumpy Frumpy” and “Larry David.” 

Utah lawmakers are considering making porn a public health crisis. Had trouble writing this because I can’t see and my elbow is sore. 

The band Phish is going to play at Wrigley Field in Chicago. This way Cubs fans will be able to get so stoned they can hallucinate the Cubs win a World Series. 

A California Doctor, Dr. Hsiu-Ying Tseng, was sentenced to 30 years to life for murder for prescribing lethal painkillers. Sadly, they did not send her to prison in upstate New York thus missing a “Who’s on First?” skit by sentencing Hsiu-Ying Tseng to Sing Sing.  

Woman Falls In Theater Popcorn Flies Everywhere

As incredibly gifted athletically - no thanks to me - as my daughter, Ann Caroline is, I can still see her doing this. The Kaseberg gene I guess.

Bonnie Raitt - Burning Down The House

UCLA study claims 54 million people with overweight to obese BMI indexes are healthy. Chris Christie was so happy about this he re-opened a bridge. 

Don’t know if PED’s is how Peyton’s forehead grows/ but if you want to plug a tight end, talk to Amber Rose. #MySuperBowlRap

The Marco Rubio campaign is selling a t-shirt that calls Rubio “BAE.” Hillary Clinton is calling the t-shirt; “The swaggiest swag in swaggerville. Not.” 

One of the keys of the Super Bowl for the Denver Broncos will by to try and stop Carolina Panther tight end, Greg Olsen. In fact, the Broncos will have to stick it to that tight end like Amber Rose did to Kanye. 

Sadly, in New York, a 22-story crane collapsed in lower Manhattan on Worth St. Hopefully this tragedy will be rectified when Viagra sees the marketing opportunity. 

In New York, a 22-story crane collapsed in lower Manhattan on Worth St. The crane operator swears this has never happened before. 

In La Jolla, CA, a sea lion pup crawled into the booth of a beach-front restaurant. He was kicked out for barking at the waitress. 

He jumped through hoops to get the reservation. 

“Playboy” printed its first issue with no naked women. In mourning, men are wearing their zippers at half-mast. 

Since you asked:

At a Super Bowl press conference, a reporter questioned Cam Newton’s wearing socks with sandals. At 6.5, 250 pounds with a 4.59 40-yard-dash, Cam Newton could wear a tiara and a tutu and that whimpy little reporter would still have to eat a hot slice of shut-the-hell-up pie. 

In his latest assault charge, Cleveland QB, Johnny Manziel, denied hitting his ex-girlfriend. You know how they say where there is smoke there is fire? In Manziel’s case where there is a nuclear meltdown there is a radiation leak.  The rate Manziel is melting down, his nickname will be Johnny "Chopsticks."

In a related story, Manziel’s agent, Erik Burkhardt, released a statement cutting ties with Manziel. In a flagrant and phony attempt to look concerned, by cutting ties with the floundering Manziel, Burkhardt is merely issuing a self-serving publicity stunt. Why wouldn't Burkhardt take the high road and cut ties with Manziel privately? What a sleazy tool Burkhardt is to try and cash in on his client’s problems.  

The real factor is Burkhardt sees that the amount of work needed to promote the free-falling Manziel versus his soon-dropping payroll will not pay off for Burkhardt. The work goes up and money goes down? He's gone. But why do it publicly? 

In short, just when Manziel needs his help, Burkhardt is cashing in his ill-gotten chips. 

Maybe it’s just me, but, outside of the Carolinas and Colorado, there does not seem to be a lot of excitement about this Super Bowl.  Do we blame Coldplay? 

Obviously the sentimental favorite is Peyton Manning. Yes, I would like to see him go out a winner like his boss, John Elway. 

But I cannot stand the Cam Newton critics for objecting to Cam’s having fun while playing a damn game. 

The only two outcomes I see are either a come-from-behind last-minute win by Denver or a blow-out by the Panthers. Tom Brady was hobbled and was an easy target for Denver’s defense. Cam Newton is not hobbled to say the least. 

In order for the Broncos to stay in the game, running back C.J. Anderson will have to come up big. 

So this is more of what I want to happen than what I think will happen:

31-28. Denver. 

If Cam Newton wins, he will be one of only 11 players who have won a Heisman Trophy and a Super Bowl. 11. Once again, great job Heisman Committee. They would have had to try and keep that number that low. And they had to give the Heisman to Newton. Andrew Luck was a distant second pick and third was the vaunted LeMichael “Even I don’t know who I am” James. 

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Angels beating all their wings in time, with a smile right on their face and a gleam right in their eye, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mike Huckabee has announced he is suspending his campaign. In a related story, Khloe Kardashian is suspending her book’s consideration for a Pulitzer Prize.

Donald Trump was among the nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize. Not sure he gets it though. Tump thinks he’s nominated because his wife, Melania, is a noble piece. 

Only person sucked out of plane of a Somali flight that had an in-flight explosion was the suicide bomber. His name was: Ihaz Nomar Karma.

After her China Southern flight was delayed for ten hours, a Chinese woman had the entire plane to herself. And yet seemingly impossibly, the overhead compartments were full. 

And they still charged her $50 for moving her seat. 

A Washington state man, whose legal name is Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop, was arrested for assaulting a police officer. Here’s the shocker: Drugs may have been involved.

A study claims long-term marijuana use can be detrimental to memory. Upon hearing this, Snoop Dogg said; “I’m sorry, I forgot what you said.” 

Barbies now come in various sizes including petite, tall and curvy.  At first the petite, tall and curvy sizes were called Kourtney, Khloe and Kim. 

Shocking Donald Trump lost Iowa considering all the lengths he went to appeal to Iowa voters. Trump even had his hairpiece made out of 100% Iowa corn silk.

Since you asked:

Words cannot describe how pissed off and sick I am of Cam Newton’s happy horse poop. 

They are paying this guy a fortune to do his job, somewhere around $100 mil for five years. Why can’t he do that job as soullessly and joylessly as the rest of us? Nobody should make that much money and have that much fun. It’s un-American. 

You don’t think I wouldn’t like to do a touchdown dance and hand a football to a child every time I score? And I don’t even score. Ever. That is how classy I am. 

When you score, act like you’ve been there before even though you will never, ever, be there. That is what I always say. 

Cam Newton should learn a lot about class, dignity and respect from Rob Gronkowski. 

Last year, during the Super Bowl parade, Gronk did a “Magic Mike” strip dance in front of the kids - they loved it - and he wore the #69 even though he is #87. Why? As I explained to my daughter, because ’69 was the year we landed on the moon. 


Cam should strive to be more like Gronk. All classy ’n sh*t. 

(Today's "Since You Asked" was brought to you by my Uncle Ron. Think Drunk Uncle on "Saturday Night Live" except just hungover and cranky)

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

At a press conference, Peyton Manning was asked what it means when he shouts “Omaha.” Peyton said it was either a run play, a pass play or a play-action depending on the wind and what jersey they’re wearing. Based on this answer alone, Peyton was immediately elected to congress. 

Peyton Manning dances to 'Rocky Top'

Here Peyton Manning puts white man dancing back to a time when he had a club in one hand and a grilled pterodactyl leg in the other.
Rand Paul has suspended his presidential campaign. Rand wanted to spend more time with his toupee. 

Not to give anything away on FX’s “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson,” but the real killer was “Making a Murderer” Steven Avery. 

Wiz Khalifa said Kanye West apologized and their feud is over. For some reason I don’t believe that, but I just can’t put my finger on it. 

Since landing in California, the Denver Bronco team bus clipped a CHP motorcycle and the Broncos had a player sent home after being caught in a prostitution sting. Apparently their tour guide is Charlie Sheen.

The Denver Broncos sent home safety, Ryan Murphy, after he was nabbed in a San Jose prostitution sting. Maybe now someone will address the unspoken tragedy that is the lack of women willing to have sex with NFL players.

The Denver Broncos sent home safety, Ryan Murphy, after he was nabbed in a San Jose prostitution sting. Unfortunately, Murphy did know the way to San Jose. 

McDonalds has a special Happy Meal that comes with a book instead of a toy. The book is titled: “How to Operate a Defibrillator.” 

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

“Saskatoons” Wally on such a winter’s day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Monday was the start of Black History Month. And the chances of any black people getting an Oscar is already history. 

The Cleveland Browns are going to cut Johnny Manziel in March. So he will go from Johnny “Football” to Johnny “Do you want to hear about the benefits of solar power?” 

More bad news for Donald Trump. After losing to Ted Cruz in Iowa, the groundhog came out and humped that thing on Trump’s head. 

Kim Kardashian is meeting with Amber Rose to settle the Kanye-Wiz feud. Wonder if there will be a lot of finger pointing? 

Yesterday was groundhog day. The groundhog popped up, saw that old, scary white groundhog, Bernie Sanders, and burrowed back into his hole. 

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders ended in a virtual tie in Iowa. They say a tie is like kissing your sister. In this case a tie was like seeing your crazy hippy aunt and uncle getting drunk at the family reunion and making out. 

A Delta Air Lines flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis had to make an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City because two flight female flight attendants got into a fistfight. So much for Delta loving to fly and it shows. 

Martin O’Malley announced to all of his followers he has ended his campaign. It was not a total loss for O’Malley’s followers, O'Malley bought onion rings for the whole booth at Applebee’s. 

Since you asked:

Saw the documentary on the Charlie Hebdo slaughter, “Je Suis Charlie.” It was genuinely touching to see how the French rallied for their slain cartoonists. Once again, the silence from the leaders of the Paris Muslim community was deafening. 

But figuring out the French sense of humor is like wrestling a greased pig. If you take an absurdist, throw in irony and sarcasm and a dash of campy irreverence you’re almost there. 

One thing I did pick up on is the French are so in love with being French, the musical joy they get when they speak their gorgeous language, sip their luscious wines and eat their haute cuisine while wearing haute couture, they have no room left for self-deprecation. 

As much as Hillary is pretending to be all sweetness and light, I guarantee you there are a few of her staff members who are minus an ass from the chewing from Hillary. 

As a genetic undeclared, I can say I think both parties are in trouble. Hillary and Bernie will now fight like two seagulls over a french fry for the far left. Trump has begun his implosion like we all knew he would. And Ted Cruz, the leading republican, is so unlikeable his former Princeton roommate is becoming a quasi-celebrity just by Tweeting about how hate-able Cruz is. 

Let’s put Trump in perspective. The entertainment industry is famously ruthless and greedy. More than other industries, due to celebrity egos and creative license, they will put up with abysmally awful behavior from stars as long as they are making money: Rosie O’Donnell, Val Kilmer, Chevy Chase, Burt Reynolds, Bill Cosby for crying-out-loud. The list is endless. 

This same industry fired Donald Trump from his own show, “The Celebrity Apprentice.”  And it was making a fortune.   

One more angle on Donald Trump as a man. 

The only nice thing any of his ex-wives ever said about him was from Marla Maples. She said she thought Trump would be a good president. And this is a woman who Trump had a daughter, Tiffany, whom Trump hardly saw when she was growing up. 

When I took the tour of Alcatraz with my daughter’s soccer team, they give you a CD player and one prisoner told how he had a pretty woman visitor he had never seen before. Turned out to be his daughter. This hit me as such a tragedy - and god knows what this guy did to get life in Alcatraz - it was all I could do to keep from busting out crying in front of our team out of sympathy.

Trump did not see his daughter on purpose. This is not politics. This guy, Trump, is a truly crappy person. 

Democrats and Republicans, it is not too late. Bring in Joe Biden and Mitt Romney. 

This will give you an idea how ingenious I am at not making money. The traffic on my blog has doubled thanks to users in Russia. Yes, that Russia. Some Russian cell phone carrier/service offers my blog as a screen saver on their phones. 

And how much has this international coup added to my coffers? You guessed it. Zero. 

Monday, February 01, 2016

The intensity of the play of the Pro Bowl has come under question. Personally I have seen more contact in an episode or “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” 

No spectators were allowed on the course of the final round of the Farmer’s Open on Monday due to the wind. Apparently their insurance did not cover wind. 

When asked why spectators were not allowed on the course, they said; "You aren't Farmers, dun dun dun dun dun dun."

“Inside Edition” reported a flight from the Philippines took off with just one passenger.  It was the first ever recorded case in flight of nobody fighting over the armrest. 

“Inside Edition” reported a flight from the Philippines took off with just one passenger. And the flight attendant still didn’t leave him with the rest of the can of soda. 

Since you asked:

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are both about to learn a powerful lesson in the difference between what blowhards say to a poll taker and what they actually do, or don’t do, in the voting booth.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The San Diego Chargers are not going to Los Angeles in 2016. They were told at the audition that the director is going in another direction. 

The Oakland Raiders are thinking of moving to Las Vegas. NFL players in a city with 24-hour drinking, gambling, strippers and hookers. What could possibly go wrong?

In addition, they are looking into the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Amber Rose said she never loved Kanye West and that Wiz Khalifia was her true love. When asked specifically why she didn’t love Kanye, Amber said she couldn’t put her finger on it. 

On Twitter, Kanye West denied Amber Rose’s claim Kanye liked Amber to stick her fingers in his anus. What a marvelous golden age of communication we live in. 

On Twitter, Kanye West denied his ex, Amber Rose’s, claim that Kanye liked Amber to stick her fingers in his anus. How would you like to be Kanye’s publicist? “Kanye, we have some news that is a pain-in-the-ass. Shoot, sorry, I mean trouble.” 

At the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, the big topic was the lack of diversity in films. You know Hollywood has a diversity problem when there are more black people in a ski resort in Utah than there are in films. 

"A Delta Air Lines flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis had to make an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City because two female flight attendants got into a fistfight over “work issues” No word on if the airline also charged passengers a “catfight” fee."

- From the always hilarious Janice Hough. But don't laugh too much, it was potentially dangerous. The passengers were never properly taught how to buckle their seatbelts. 

Since you asked:

There were three indicators in 2015 that showed just how far gone our political correctness has over-corrected. 

The first was at the Golden Globes when comedian Margaret Cho’s impression of a North Korean guard was labeled racist. 

Cho is Korean. 

The second was that a white woman, Rachel Dolezal, lied about being black - thus stealing the top NAACP job for Spokane from a qualified African American - and then excused it because she said she identified as black. 

And people - including the press-  bought it. 

The third indicator political correctness has over-corrected:

Donald Trump.

Anyone who has a problem with Cam Newton’s celebrations is the one with the problem. Here is a poster of true NFL greatness and he is not afraid to show he is having the time of his life. Every game he makes three or four children’s year by giving them a football. 

Yes, I am for Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl, but I hope Cam has a great game too and shuts up his uptight critics for good. 

As only the great David Letterman could have said it when Cam Newton delivered a Top Ten list after winning the Heisman Trophy; 

“Look at that guy. If I looked like that guy I would tell everybody to kiss my ass.”