Saturday, April 30, 2016

Former Baltimore Raven and elevator wife puncher, Ray Rice, and his wife, Janay, are expecting. Ray has brought new meaning to the term knocked-up. 

TMZ reports Prince’s estate is not liquid enough to pay his relative’s living expenses. How do we live in a universe so reverse talent-rewarded that Prince's estate can’t pay his relative's grocery bills and yet Kim Kardashian could lend money to NASA? 

‪‎LukeWalton‬, 36, is new ‪Lakers‬ coach. Well, Luke was at that awkward age, too old to still be an assistant, too young to play for ‪Spurs‬.

(From the great comedy mind of Janice Hough)

NFL prospect, Laremy Tunsil, dropped from #3 pick to #13 when his Instagram showed a video of him taking a bong hit. They should have suspected something when they asked him about his coach and he said; “Dude, it’s pronounced Coachella.” 

It is the most money anyone has lost from smoking pot since Willy Nelson said, “Taxes, schmaxes.” 

After the ugly break-up of “Live! with Kelly and Michael,” Kelly Ripa brought up Strahan’s two divorces on air. It was mean, cold and vicious. It looks like Hillary has found her running mate.

Friday, April 29, 2016

New Era Caps - Chicago White Sox vs Chicago Cubs - Round 1 (Craig Robi...

Both Chicago teams, the Cubs and the White Sox, are leading their leagues. When teams from the same city are in a World Series, they give it a nickname. The Mets and the Yankees series was the Subway Series. The Dodgers and the Angels series was the Freeway Series. You know what they would call the Cubs and the White Sox World Series? End of Days. 

Former Baltimore Ravens, Ray Lewis’s son, Ray Lewis III, was charged with criminal sexual conduct. The way things are going someday he may take a stab at being just like his dad. 

US citizen, Kim Dong Chul, has been sentenced to 10 years in a North Korean prison for espionage. The last thing you want is to go to prison with the name Dong.

After the messy break-up of “Live with Kelly and Michael,” Kelly Ripa awkwardly brought up Michael Strahan’s two divorces. Then they cut to commercials for Midol and Xanax.

Oxford, Alabama has passed a law that people can only use the bathrooms of their biological sex. Or as I call all these transgender bathroom laws: Much Ado-do about nothing. 

In Australia, a man was hospitalized when a venomous spider bit his penis. When they injected him with the anti-venom, he said, “Are we positive a nurse doesn’t have to suck out the venom?” 


“Prestigious. Often an adjective of last resort. It’s in the dictionary, but that doesn’t mean you have to use it.”

“The Elements of Style,” by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. 

Since you asked:

Anyone who had any doubts about who the bad guy is in the “Live! with Kelly and Michael” soap opera, now we know given Kelly’s tantrum and absence followed by her nasty rip on air of Michael’s divorces.

Not sure about you folks, but if they were paying me $15 million a year, like ABC/Disney does Kelly, they could do whatever they want with the co-host. As long as their name does not rhyme with Schmardashian.

Like I said, Michael apparently can get along with the most out- sized egos on the planet on “Fox NFL,” with Howie Long, Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson. If he cannot stand Kelly Ripa, she must be vile.  

Obviously it was not just Michael Strahan who decided not to tell Kelly Ripa for fear of her subsequent meltdown. It had to go all the way to the top at Disney/ABC. Just as obviously there was a precedent causing their covert actions. And they were right. Kelly had a meltdown. 

It has long been rumored Kelly Ripa’s tolerance for other people is lower than her negligible body fat. As history has shown us, once a bubbly TV host is revealed as a mean-spirited phony hypocrite, there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Isn’t that right Paula Deen, Rosie O’Donnell, Arsenio Hall and Martha Stewart? (And hopefully soon, Rocky the squirrel’s evil twin, Rachel Ray) 

Kelly’s rip at Strahan’s two divorces with that cold-blooded smile on her face was chilling. Good luck finding someone to get along with that pint-sized shrew. 

Maybe Bob Costas? 

It's too early to tell if Kelly Ripa will survive her "The Diva is Wearing No Clothes" moment, but one thing is sure: Kelly Ripa has pooped the America's Sweetheart bed forever. 

After the messy break-up of “Live with Kelly and Michael” with Michael going to “GMA” soon, Kelly Ripa awkwardly brought up Strahan’s two divorces. That wasn’t even as bad as the fact Kelly had Michael’s pet rabbit boiling on the stove.

Former Ohio State running back and #4 pick, Ezekiel Elliott, showed up at the NFL draft in a midriff-barring crop-top. That sound you hear is Walter Payton spinning in his grave.

Congress passed a bill making the Bison our National Mammal. It was awkward when Donald Trump replied, “It’s shameful how they snubbed the Buffalo.” 

NFL #1 draft pick bust, JaMarcus Russell, is considering a comeback. Can it be considered a comeback if, technically, he never really played in the first place? 

Indiana basketball coaching legend Bobby Knight endorsed Donald Trump. It is all part of Trump’s Indiana campaign regrettably named: “Hoosier Daddy?”

NFL prospect, Laremy Tunsil, minutes before he was to be drafted, had his Instagram hacked with a video of him smoking pot from a gas mask bong. He then fell from the #3 pick to #13. Tunsil's agent, Johnny Manziel, had no comment. 

Former Ohio State running back and #4 pick, Ezekiel Elliott, showed up at the NFL draft in a midriff-baring crop-top. He got the fashion tip from OJ Simpson since he has gone sissy in prison.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Comcast is buying Dreamworks Animation netting $187 mil. cash for Steven Spielberg. In a related story, a comedy writer I know found one dollar in change and went to buy coffee at McDonalds only to discover  he was out of luck because they had raised the price to $1.65. 

The Polo-made US uniforms for the Rio Olympics are being criticized as being too white and snobby. Even Joe Biden thinks they’re too white. 

An Australian man was treated in a hospital after a venomous spider bit him on the penis. When informed they could substantially reduce his inflammation, his wife said, “Leave the poor man alone.” 

Bono suggested using comedians to fight ISIS. Believe me, I know comedians and nobody could be better suited to fight ruthless terrorists than a bunch of people needier than a lost puppy in the rain. 

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. He was so drunk he flew to JFK thinking he was going to KFC. 

Comcast is buying Dreamworks Animation for $3.8 billion netting $187 mil. cash for Steven Spielberg. That’s even more money than Oprah has in her couch cushions. 

2012 Heisman Trophy winner, Johnny Manziel, was fired by his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. This is the second agent to fire Manziel. 
Getting fired by an NFL agent is like having a pimp rejecting your business for moral reasons. 

Getting fired by an NFL agent is like getting kicked out of Justin Bieber’s entourage for behavioral problems. 

The 15-5 Chicago Cubs are playing 750% ball and have out scored their opponents 123 to 54. There is no joke here, as a Cubs fan, I just wanted to repeat those numbers.

A man in Australia was hospitalized after he informed the doctor a poisonous spider bit his penis. The doctor corrected him saying that spiders are venomous, not poisonous. The man replied, “That is fascinating. Oh, did I mention IT BIT ME IN THE PENIS?” 

Ted Cruz has picked his running mate, Carly Fiorina. And John Kasich has picked his running mate: Ironic Satire.

After losing five primaries, Ted Cruz tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. That’s like being kicked off the “Bachelorette” first and announcing what you and Bachelorette JoJo will name your child. 

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has named a pizza after Hillary Clinton. They were going to name a pizza after Donald Trump, but it was too expensive and it did not really have anything on top.

Baylor’s 6.7, 405 pound tight end, LaQuan McGowen, is not expected to be drafted until the last NFL draft round, the seventh. But he is expected to put the round in the seventh round. 

Ted Cruz tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. Chris Christie then kept tugging on Donald Trump’s jacket saying, “Ya gonna to tell them? Ya gonna tell them? Huh? Huh?” 

Beyonce’s use of Becky in “Lemonade,” Becky is a slur black women us against promiscuous white women who sleep with black men. Of course if Beyonce wanted to get real insulting she would have used the term: Kardashian. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

These just in:

Ted Cruz has tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. It will be the first time the words Carly Fiorina and tapped have been used together in 20 years.

Prince’s estate is said to be worth somewhere between $500 million and $150 million. Now, I am no accounting genius. But if you’re calculations vary by $350 million dollars, you may want to get a new calculator. 

Happy 46th Birthday to Melania Trump. For Melania, 46 is the new 26. No, really, this year she is going to be replaced by a 26-year-old.  

Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King

It is good to be the King, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL draft is coming up and there is a tight end from Baylor, LaQuan McGowan, who is 6.7, 400 pounds. McGowan is so big, steroids take him to get bigger.

Here’s my question: at 400 pounds, can McGowan really still be called a Tight End?

A Tight End? His ass has to look like 50 pounds of chewed bubblegum. 

His name, LaQuan, is Swahili for Chris Christie. 

LaQuan is so big, the refs keep mistakenly penalizing him for too many men on the field.

LaQuan is so big, he once scored the wining touchdown, they carried him off the field and ten players had to be treated for sports hernias.

LaQuan is so big his shoe size is Triple F Shaq. 

A judge ruled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University will go to trial. They have a good case against Trump U. The school’s team mascot is Bernie The Madoff. 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. “Houston, we have a headache.”

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for velcro flys and zero gravity.” 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. They don’t disclose what astronauts did without women for sex, but it might explain “Buzz” Aldrin’s nickname. 

Here is Jay-Z in Miami obviously feeling really bad about his infidelities against Beyonce

It’s Good to Be The King

Beyonce and Jay-Z are celebrating in Miami on the eve of launching the “Lemonade” album tour. That is the difference between celebrities and us. We cheat and it is a messy, costly, ugly divorce. Jay-Z cheats and it is cigars, champagne and his wife is gone on a three month world tour that earns tens of millions of dollars. 

A fellow La Jolla stockbroker friend of mine made it big on a “Star Trek,” like mid ’90's show.  He got in big trouble with the cast - and all Hollywood actors for that matter -  when he told an interviewer how easy acting is. When describing a week it takes to film a show, he said the actors do not even need to show up until a table read on Wednesday where, hungover as Lords, they wear t-shirts, blue jeans and eat donuts. 

They film on Thursday and Friday and most of that consists of being driven to the set and lying in their trailer to memorize their ten or so lines. Then the rest of the time is in makeup. And then the filming of the scenes is a blast because, no matter how badly they forget their lines, laugh and screw up, they just do it over again.

Now he gets paid even more for voice-work and he says that is even easier. No makeup. No memorizing lines. No filming. Just read out loud in a studio for 30 minutes and then go home and collect the checks.

No wonder so many actors are such chronic drug addicts and alcoholics. It is the only job you can get paid millions for doing something zonked out of your head. 

In an example of how different entertainer’s jobs are than the rest of us, there was a hilarious article in “Rolling Stone” by comedic greats, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk, when they were making the wildly underrated “Mr. Show” on HBO. They describe an HBO executive’s secretary coming up to them all hang-dog like and hat-in-hand to ask them a huge, huge favor. 

She asked them - in the manner someone would ask someone to bury a body in a landfill in Newark - if they would mind being flown first-class to Maui to attend the affiliates meeting at a luxury resort on the Ocean. Everything, their suites, flights, food and beverages would be paid for. And they would be paid for their time. And if they needed to buy new clothes for the trip, HBO would pick up the tab. All they needed to do was to circulate at one cocktail party. And be civil. 

When they returned home, they each had three huge gift baskets filled with champagne, fruit and caviar, and brand new 50-inch TV screens and DVRs thanking them for going to Maui. HBO then released glowing press reports of how hard working and down-to-earth David Cross and Bob Odenkirk were.

You read all the time about A-list actors refusing to go on their movie press junkets. “Are you seriously asking me to fly to Paris in a private jet and sit in my huge suite overlooking the Seine and talk about myself all day? How dare you?”

Sitting in Paris suite talking about myself all day is on my bucket list and I am pretty sure I will never get to cross it off. 

And that is just regular run-of-the-mill celebrities. There is a whole next level of celebrity with Jay-Z and Beyonce. That level of celebrity is bullet proof. 

Using wealth as a barometer (it was Woody Allen who said "Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons") of that next level of bullet-proof celebrity, at the height of their wealth and fame, Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan each went through nasty 50% divorces and they have serious gambling problems. By all rights that should have left them Nicholas Cage/ Randy Quaid broke. 

They are both twice as rich as they were before their divorce.

No doubt about it, it is good to be the King. 

it's GOOD to be the KING.flv

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

A woman who looks just like Ted Cruz in drag will star in a porn film. The title of the porn film is “Goodbye Erection.”

A judge ruled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University will go to trial. They have a good case against Trump U. The school’s team mascot is The Scamming Bernie Madoffs. 

Donald Trump is food-shaming John Kasich. Trump ordered an $85 steak well-done. Trump cannot food-shame a hyaena gorging on a rotting yak. 

A Pennsylvania restaurant has created a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. One thing we know for sure is Bill Clinton will never eat it. 

A Pennsylvania restaurant has created a Hillary Clinton pizza. The Hillary Clinton pizza is $19.99 for a large. But if you have it delivered to your company, it has a $600,000 speaking fee. 

Beyonce’s album “Lemonade” is about Jay Z cheating on her. Have you seen Beyonce? Have you seen Jay Z? That is like a hot dog cheating on lobster. 

I think Jay-Z did cheat on Beyonce with Rachel Roy and they had a kid: Pete Davidson

 Plus this
Equals this

An Oregon man was arrested after trying to pay a prostitute with a monkey. That is one of the oldest rules of the street: Don’t be a whimp and skimp a pimp with a chimp. 

You think that is weird? He was going to give her a tip in gerbils. 

The recruits for ISIS have plummeted because their money supply has been destroyed. To give you an idea how bad it is, ISIS is losing money faster than the US Post Office. 

Ann Burrell is Guy Fieri but with a bigger penis

An Oregon man was arrested after trying to pay a prostitute with an exotic monkey. The prostitute said, “Who do you think you are? Justin Bieber?” 

In the season premiere of “Game of Thrones,” Jon Snow is dead, but then he might not be dead later on. They got the idea from Lamar Odom. What? 

Ted Cruz and John Kasich are teaming up. “That is an odd couple,” said Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. 

A woman who looks just like Ted Cruz will star in a porn film. The title of the porn film is “Ewww.”  

The title of the porn film is “They Don’t Make Enough Viagra.” 

Beyonce dropped a surprise album called “Lemonade.” It is in retaliation of Jay Z’s cheating on her. Look for Jay Z’s next album: “My Ass is Grass.” 

Since you asked:

We are sitting under the hairdryer today and ragging on tiny TV beyatches with ‘tude. (Warning: we gets us our sass on up in here)

Is anyone, and I mean anyone, surprised to find out Kelly Ripa - behind the scenes - is a red hot scorching bitch? Michael Strahan can get along with the most out-sized egos on the planet with Jimmy Johnson, Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw on “Fox NFL” but he couldn’t take Ripa anymore. 

Speaking of petite nightmares, I think we all knew pedaphile-pandering Ariana Grande was insufferable, the licking the donuts and saying how much she hates Americans was just the other saddle shoe to drop.

While we are on a theme of pint-sized pains, do not confuse the woman Jay Z had an affair with, Rachel Roy, the hot fashion designer, with the Rocky the Squirrel cooking prima donna, vile shrew, Rachael Ray. 

From valet parkers, to waiters to everyone on her set, all agree Rachel Ray is a nuclear little ball of seething bitterness. Which is made a billion times worse by how bubbly and perky she is when the camera is on. Nothing worse than a cooking show hypocrite. Right Martha Stewart and Paula Deen? 

In case you haven’t noticed, all the cooking contest shows are very incestious. You see a lot of the same people on “Iron Chef" and “The Next Food Network Star,” “Beat Bobby Flay” and “Chopped.” 

Rachel Ray is almost never on any of those shows. RR is even more of a PMS psycho than Ann Burrell. By the way, could Ann Burrell be more coked up? I keep waiting for her to say, “Say ‘ello to my leeetle friend.” 

Speaking of coked up, Billy Idol-haired, talentless egotistical douche bags, has anyone ever seen Guy Fieri and Ann Burrell in the same room? 

Is Ann Burrell really Guy Fieri but with a bigger penis? Trick question. Nobody is a bigger dick than Guy Fieri.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Best uniform in sports.

Not sure how they do it, but I am glad they do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Mike "Doc" Emrick)  

ESPN has had over 12 sex scandals including over 100 male employees signed up on the adultery site, Ashley Madison. ESPN stands for Exceptionally Stupid Penises Network. 

It is rattlesnake season in California and a memo pointed out rattlesnakes are venomous, not poisonous. This is good to know, when you get bit, so they can put the right description on your death certificate.

Prince died without a will, so his estate will be divided evenly between his relatives. Once again, I just want to say how much I’m going to miss cousin Prince. 

It’s early, but the 14-5 Chicago Cubs have out-scored their opponents 70-18. Even old time Cubs fans are getting optimistic. They’re saying, “Wait until next month.” 

In England, a petite 22-year-old blonde woman, Katie Ovens, became the first woman to eat a triple-sized burrito. We would say she won the burrito eating contest, but there really are no winners in a burrito eating contest.  

Former Indiana coach, Bobby Knight, said he will be campaigning for Donald Trump. Trump can use the insight of a basketball coach who once told a young Larry Bird he had no future in basketball.

It does not look like Donald Trump understands the delegate process. When asked about the delegates, Trump said, “ I don’t do laundry, but I heard you’re supposed to wash the delegates separately.”

They ranked the US airlines and Spirit Airlines finished at 13th. And there are only 11 US airlines. Taking a Greyhound bus ranked ahead of Spirit Airlines. 

Taking the New York subway and having a drunk pee on your foot ranked ahead of flying Spirit. 

Ted Cruz and John Kasich are teaming up. “I’m not sure that is a good idea,” said Nazi-Soviet alliance of WWII. 

Since you asked:

Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks for a great season and a gutsy playoff against the St. Louis Blues. When a shot hits the pipes twice, it may not be your night. Feel sorry for Dallas, because St. Louis is tough. That goalie, Elliot, was lights out. But the St. Louis fans are aptly named. They really blue. 

Beyond tragic. A three-day-old baby killed by a pit bull here in San Diego. The family pet. How many times does this have to happen? Of all fatal dog attacks in 2015, 82% were pit bulls. The rest were rottweilers and other aggressive breeds. 

When pit bulls kill, crazy pit bull fanatics always say it is the owner’s fault. It is both. Pit bulls are IQ tests. If you own one, you flunked. Pit bulls can be sweet as lambs right up until they are scared or angry and then they snap - and they always snap. When pit bulls invariably snap, they will do what they were born and bred to do: kill. 

Everyone feels really bad after it happens. And a three-day-old baby is dead.