Wednesday, April 27, 2016

It is good to be the King, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL draft is coming up and there is a tight end from Baylor, LaQuan McGowan, who is 6.7, 400 pounds. McGowan is so big, steroids take him to get bigger.

Here’s my question: at 400 pounds, can McGowan really still be called a Tight End?

A Tight End? His ass has to look like 50 pounds of chewed bubblegum. 

His name, LaQuan, is Swahili for Chris Christie. 

LaQuan is so big, the refs keep mistakenly penalizing him for too many men on the field.

LaQuan is so big, he once scored the wining touchdown, they carried him off the field and ten players had to be treated for sports hernias.

LaQuan is so big his shoe size is Triple F Shaq. 

A judge ruled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University will go to trial. They have a good case against Trump U. The school’s team mascot is Bernie The Madoff. 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. “Houston, we have a headache.”

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for velcro flys and zero gravity.” 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. They don’t disclose what astronauts did without women for sex, but it might explain “Buzz” Aldrin’s nickname. 

Here is Jay-Z in Miami obviously feeling really bad about his infidelities against Beyonce

It’s Good to Be The King

Beyonce and Jay-Z are celebrating in Miami on the eve of launching the “Lemonade” album tour. That is the difference between celebrities and us. We cheat and it is a messy, costly, ugly divorce. Jay-Z cheats and it is cigars, champagne and his wife is gone on a three month world tour that earns tens of millions of dollars. 

A fellow La Jolla stockbroker friend of mine made it big on a “Star Trek,” like mid ’90's show.  He got in big trouble with the cast - and all Hollywood actors for that matter -  when he told an interviewer how easy acting is. When describing a week it takes to film a show, he said the actors do not even need to show up until a table read on Wednesday where, hungover as Lords, they wear t-shirts, blue jeans and eat donuts. 

They film on Thursday and Friday and most of that consists of being driven to the set and lying in their trailer to memorize their ten or so lines. Then the rest of the time is in makeup. And then the filming of the scenes is a blast because, no matter how badly they forget their lines, laugh and screw up, they just do it over again.

Now he gets paid even more for voice-work and he says that is even easier. No makeup. No memorizing lines. No filming. Just read out loud in a studio for 30 minutes and then go home and collect the checks.

No wonder so many actors are such chronic drug addicts and alcoholics. It is the only job you can get paid millions for doing something zonked out of your head. 

In an example of how different entertainer’s jobs are than the rest of us, there was a hilarious article in “Rolling Stone” by comedic greats, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk, when they were making the wildly underrated “Mr. Show” on HBO. They describe an HBO executive’s secretary coming up to them all hang-dog like and hat-in-hand to ask them a huge, huge favor. 

She asked them - in the manner someone would ask someone to bury a body in a landfill in Newark - if they would mind being flown first-class to Maui to attend the affiliates meeting at a luxury resort on the Ocean. Everything, their suites, flights, food and beverages would be paid for. And they would be paid for their time. And if they needed to buy new clothes for the trip, HBO would pick up the tab. All they needed to do was to circulate at one cocktail party. And be civil. 

When they returned home, they each had three huge gift baskets filled with champagne, fruit and caviar, and brand new 50-inch TV screens and DVRs thanking them for going to Maui. HBO then released glowing press reports of how hard working and down-to-earth David Cross and Bob Odenkirk were.

You read all the time about A-list actors refusing to go on their movie press junkets. “Are you seriously asking me to fly to Paris in a private jet and sit in my huge suite overlooking the Seine and talk about myself all day? How dare you?”

Sitting in Paris suite talking about myself all day is on my bucket list and I am pretty sure I will never get to cross it off. 

And that is just regular run-of-the-mill celebrities. There is a whole next level of celebrity with Jay-Z and Beyonce. That level of celebrity is bullet proof. 

Using wealth as a barometer (it was Woody Allen who said "Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons") of that next level of bullet-proof celebrity, at the height of their wealth and fame, Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan each went through nasty 50% divorces and they have serious gambling problems. By all rights that should have left them Nicholas Cage/ Randy Quaid broke. 

They are both twice as rich as they were before their divorce.

No doubt about it, it is good to be the King.