Saturday, December 19, 2015

A company in California called Isis Pharmaceuticals is changing their name to something less repugnant. Now it is Cosby Pharmaceuticals. 

Here’s my holiday question: if the three wise men were so wise, why did they bring three of crappiest gifts no baby could use? OK, gold is gold. But frankincense and myrrh?

“Gosh guys. Thanks for the frankincense and myrrh. Could you put those next to the baby monitor, stroller and the diaper machine? Thanks.”

Ben Affleck furious at Bill Maher's racist categorization of ISIS as terrorists.  

Since you asked:

Celebrities love to spew political opinions regardless
of how uninformed. Truth is, most of Hollywood is busy spending their time worried if the kale and arugula they bought at the Farmer’s market for their vegan dinner is locally grown and sustainable. This is right before they go upstairs to inject heroin into their eyeballs, butt-chug prescription cough medicine and have sex with the underage babysitters. (Yes, plural on underage babysitters)

The third democratic debate is tonight. One thing you have to hand it to Bernie Sanders. Without Bernie we would never know how much Larry David also looks like Yoda.

The Air Force told CNN they plan to have fighter jets that shoot lasers by 2020. In a related story, North Korea announced by next year they plan to have fighter jets that can fly.

In an interview with Seth Meyers, Jennifer Lawrence revealed she had a huge crush on Larry David. Those aren’t just Daddy Issues. Those are weird Uncle Barney Issues.

At a Cleveland Cavaliers game, the wife of golfer, Jayson Day, Ellie Day, had to be carried off on a stretcher after 6-8, 250 LeBron James landed on top of her. Ellie will be fine. Doctors say she will be able to stop smiling in a few weeks. 

At a Cleveland Cavaliers game, the wife of golfer, Jayson Day, Ellie Day, had to be carried off on a stretcher after 6-8, 250 LeBron James landed on top of her. The problem is her back. As in, once LeBron lands on top of you, you can’t go back. 

“The Best Lawyers in America” 2016 edition has been published. Being called the best lawyer is like calling someone the leading improvisational jazz musician, the best-dressed serial killer or the leper with the most fingers.

Donald Trump said he wasn’t going to attack Jeb Bush anymore. Then on Twitter, Donald Trump called Jeb Bush; “Dumb as a rock.” These two are like (Excuse the alliteration) the bickering brothers in the backseat of a Buick on a family vacation. “Jeb started it.” 

Donald Trump called Jeb Bush; “Dumb as a rock.” In 1775, Patrick Henry said; “Give me liberty or give me death.” Good to see we’ve made so much progress in 240 years.

Friday, December 18, 2015

A survey claims the worst place to be single is Yonkers, NY. The best place for a guy to be single? Beaver, Utah. 

Last night, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opened at midnight. So today the force my be awakened, but your IT nerd is too sleepy to fix your computer.

Last night “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” made an estimated $57 mil. setting a new record. In a related story, Disney will release director, J.J. Abrams’s youngest child back to his custody.

Have you seen the selfie Nicki Minaj posted on Instagram? Not to give too much away, but after seeing that picture, camels were embarrassed to show their toes.

Tough times for Bernie Sanders. He is trailing Hillary Clinton in the polls, the Democratic National Committee has cut him out of accessing a data base and he was not asked to play Yoda in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” 

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. Not only that, but that night at the nursing home, he won the Bernie Sanders Lookalike Contest.

Since you asked:

Guess I wasn’t the first to come up with the Bill Cosby “Baby It’s Cold Outside” idea. The geniuses at “South Park” did it a year ago. Oh well. Great minds and all that. 

The more I think about the more it only makes sense of one team goes to L.A. And those should be either the Raiders or the Rams. The attendance at the Rams game last night was pathetic. The Bay Area has a team already in the Niners. 

The only reason the Chargers want to leave is because of our inept and corrupt city council cannot get a new stadium built. That is not the Chargers’ fault nor the fault of their fans. 

Putting Petco Park downtown was a boon to everyone. The Cowboys paid for their own stadium and doubled their net worth from $2 billion to $4 billion. Why can’t the moron politicians in San Diego see building a new stadium is great for everyone?

You cain’t say Wally without smiling. You just cain’t. Wally has taken to announcing to us when he is not happy with either his food service or the amount we pet and greet him. Or anything not toward.

The other night various illnesses in the family kept people up and woke up Wally, keeping him from getting his proper rest. The next morning when he greeted us he started fussing to let us know he was not happy about it: 

“Arr ewww oughh errr ewwww rarrrr.”

Oh my goodness. What do we name this little guy? I am leaning toward Dewey.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

In the latest “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” Kris, Kylie and Khloe go on vacation in St. Barts to get away from their problems of being rich for no reason. And they fight the entire time. This episode is called; “Why People Want to Kill Americans.” 

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens Friday. What is sad are all the unreturned calls to Disney from Jar Jar Binks asking for tickets.

In North Carolina, a 34-year-old mother tried to shoplift a tube of cookie dough in her vagina but it exploded. Upon hearing this, Florida said; “Oh, man, we are so jealous.” 

A Saudi millionaire, Ehsan Abdulaziz, was cleared of raping an 18-year-old girl claiming he tripped and fell on her accidentally penetrating her. Their defense was: 

“If he trips and it fits, you must acquit.” 

President Obama met with counterterrorism experts and said there are no known potential terrorist attacks. If you do not count Justin Bieber’s upcoming album.

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. When asked to comment what it was like to hit a hole-in-one at 98, the man said; “The nurses are stealing my underwear.” 

In an interview, Barbara Walters told Bradley Cooper he was “very screwable.” To which Bradley Cooper said he wanted to go take a shower that is “very scrubbable.” 

In an interview, Barbara Walters told Bradley Cooper he was “very screwable.” That or she said he was “Bare we skew able.” 

Can you believe how much Jeb Bush and Donald Trump fought at the last debate? At one point the moderator had to say; “Girls, girls, please, you’re both pretty.” 

Have you read the lyrics to "Baby It's Cold Outside"? They're very Cosby-esque.

Since you asked:

Kenan as Coz

Here is a quick example of (cough) genius at work:

"Saturday Night Live" Christmas skit.

Starring Kenan Thompson as Bill Cosby and Cicely Strong as a '60's babe. Duet to "Baby It's Cold Outside"

"Baby It's Cold Outside"
(I really can't stay) But, baby, it's cold outside
(I've got to go away) But, baby, it's cold outside
(This evening has been) Been hoping that you'd drop in
(So very nice) I'll hold your hands they're just like ice

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what's your hurry
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I'd better scurry) Beautiful, please don't hurry
(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour
(The neighbors might think) Baby, it's bad out there
(Say what's in this drink?) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

(I ought to say no, no, no, sir) Mind if I move in closer
(At least I'm gonna say that I tried) What's the sense of hurting my pride
(I really can't stay) Baby, don't hold doubt
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside

And then Cicely slowly gets woozy and passes out. Kenan looks at the camera, rubs his hand and acts like Cosby about to eat a Philly cheesesteak. 

This stuff writes itself.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. Which was even more amazing because, at the time, he was playing shuffleboard.

The man said he much prefers playing golf to the alternative: being dead. 

A Saudi millionaire, Ehsan Abdulaziz, was cleared of raping an 18-year-old girl claiming he tripped and fell on top of her. The name Ehsan Abdulaziz is Arabic for Bill Cosby. 

iPhones autocorrect the word lardass to Kardashian. Not only that, when you type in the word “Trump,” it reminds you of your upcoming rectal exam.

Jeb Bush was named the winner of the fifth republican debate. This came as much needed good news to his followers. All ten of them.

America’s newest high-tech warship broke down and had to be towed after just 20 days at sea. No word yet on what caused the problem on the USS Ben Carson.  

Five years ago, they opened the nuclear meltdown plant, Chernobyl, for tourists. It’s going well. Yuri, the curator, gave it three thumbs up.

Since you asked:

The Federal Reserve announced they are raising the Fed Funds rate by a 1/4 percent. Oh my word, do you realize what this means? No, really does anyone know what this means? 

Going back to my Wall Street bond broker days, I can explain it the way I remember it. (That does not mean I am right) 

When I was on Wall Street, from ’83 to ’86, Paul Volcker was the chairman of the Federal Reserve. He was the head of the Fed from 1979 to 1989 when he saved our financial asses when interest rates were at 19% and even higher. 

Volcker was appointed by Jimmy Carter and neither get nearly as much credit as they deserved for the rebound of the economy that Reagan and Clinton took way too much credit.

The Fed lends money to the top 30 or so financial institutions in the country. Volcker described his job as the guy who takes the punchbowl away from the party.

Well, for the past ten years, the party has been so dead, to get people to drink from the punchbowl, or even come to the party, they put their lending rate, the Fed Funds rate, at an-almost-nothing .25%. 

(Now, I know what you’re asking: what does this have to do with the opening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? At this point it is too soon to tell)

Now there are signs of life at the party; unemployment is down and production is up. Hell, even Rob Kardashian is filthy rich. (Many would argue the economy is not better, namely yours truly whose cash flow has slowed to whatever unit of measurement is less than a trickle) 

Imagine you want to sell a table on Craigslist. You post a picture out if and list the price at $100. Next thing you know the phone is ringing off the hook. (Wow, did I just date myself. Your phone is ringing out of your pocket) 

You priced the table too cheap. So you raise the price to $300. Now nobody calls. You now know the table will sell around $222. That is what the fed is doing with raising interest rates. 

Another way to look at is how you microwave a burrito for three minutes, but it takes seven to ten minutes to cool off enough to eat.  That is a horrible example because nothing is that stupid. How in the hell can a microwave burrito take more than twice as long to cool off as it does to heat? It makes no damn sense. 

But I digress . . . 

By raising the interest rate 1/4 % to .50%, the Fed will see how fast the money supply drains. If borrowing slows way down, they know they reacted too soon and the table won't sell.

And the burrito is too hot to eat. They have to wait to raise rates. 

Bam, he tied it all together . . . 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

New Jesus and Seth Rogan related

Monday, December 14, 2015

Best in Show (7/11) Movie CLIP - Judging the Hounds (2000) HD

Fred Willard doing “MNF” Giants V. Dolphins as “Best in Show” color man, Buck Laughlin:

“The punter, he punts the ball. The kicker, he kicks the ball. What the hell does the wide receiver do with the ball? That sounds like it could hurt.” 

‘You gotta admire the confidence of these kids, Trevor. The Giants wearing light grey pants and the Dolphins in white pants. If that’s me, a little Mexican food the night before, a few big hits. When I bend over that is going to be a Rorschach test back there. Do they make Rorschach tests in brown?”

“You see those long braids some of those players have? That reminds of the curtains this hippie woman I dated had. Do they call the braids hippie curtains? She had her own curtains. That woman did not shave anywhere, if you know what I mean.” 

“Whoa. Did you see where that quarterback put his hands on the center? Hope he asked him to cough a couple times. Don’t want to smell that quarterback's hands. Do they have Purell for the quarterbacks hands on the sideline?”

“The significance of the numbers. No brainer. That is the order of who gets paid from the most to the least. Number one gets paid the most, 99 the least. Turns out not true. Those quarterbacks get big bucks and low numbers. Just a coincidence.”

“The players have those sideline lap-table computers. Quarterbacks have speakers in the helmets. How come the first downs are measured with two sticks and a chain? Do they have Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble manning those things? Just kidding. They weren’t real actors just cartoons. We like to have fun here.”

“That Odell Beckham Jr.’s hair. It sure does remind me of a poodle we had when I was a kid. Charlie. He wasn’t on our head though. He was too busy humping our legs.” 

“That poor Jason Pierre-Paul lost a bunch of fingers with a fireworks accident. It’s easy to see how that could happen, though. When they count to three, do you throw the firecracker when they say three? Or do you wait until after three? Next thing you know it’s boom and hey, Jayson give me a high three. Get it? He only has three fingers. But a tragic accident. Our hearts go out to Jason. Our fingers too." 
The female San Bernardino shooter, Tashfeen Malik, sent Jihad messages on Facebook. One message she sent was a video of a cat playing “Death to America” on piano.

Donald Trump’s doctor wrote a letter saying Trump would be the healthiest president ever. This despite Trump having a serious case of cranial rectal inversion: his head is up his ass. 

In England, a drunk driver crashed his car and was caught hiding in a Nativity Scene. Police suspected something when they discovered the wisemen had brought gold, frankincense and pork rinds. 

On “MNF”, firework victim, New York Giant Jason Pierre-Paul recovered a fumble. You got to hand it to Jason, he has sure finger. 

Bill Cosby is suing 7 of his 50 sexual assault accusers. He would sue more, but Cosby could only borrow 7 attorneys from ISIS. 

MSNBC’s Melissa Harris Perry called “Star Wars” racist because Darth Vader is black. She went on to add Porky Pig is a sex offender because he does not wear pants. 

In the UFC title fight, Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo in 13 seconds. That is faster than Bill Cosby used to knockout his dates.

Conor McGregor beat Jose Aldo in 13 seconds to win the UFC title. For $50 Pay-Per-View fights lasting less than 15 seconds, please consult your Ob/Gyn, because you got screwed. 

Forensic scientists have created what they feel is a realistic picture of Jesus given his birthplace and background. Upon seeing it, Donald Trump called for a ban on Jesus. 

Mike Tyson still supports Donald Trump despite Trump’s Muslim ban. And who can doubt the political acumen of a jamoke who lost $300 million and got the sanskrit words for Stanky Leg tatted on his face?

Nike has unveiled the Kobe 11, the last of their Kobe Bryant shoes. It should be the biggest seller because, like Kobe, nobody can pass on them.

Rumor has it Justin Bieber and Courtney Kardashian have hooked up. This asks the proverbial question: if a Kardashian and a Bieber have sex and it’s not on video, did it really happen?

“Sports Illustrated” Sportsperson of the Year went to a person, tennis star, Serena Williams. Many are upset it did not go to a horse, Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah. They could have compromised and given it to Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder. That way it would go to a horse’s ass.

Since you asked:

One of our modern nightmares is when your computer is not working. Usually it isn’t the computer, it is an application or a site that is funked up. It is usually funked-up because we did something wrong to funk it up. Or it was designed by some evil website designer who truly believes his site is the only one in the world.

The other day, Netflix was not working on my laptop. This did not drive me crazy because it was working on the TV. But it did bother me. 

So, finally, I went in and flinked a hookmey slank and ferviglered a smackerspood and then changed the setting of the persnicker bex and then went into preferences and waggerstagged the linkerhopple.

And it worked. 

This flu/cold thang has seriously kicked my ass. The other day I started sneezing, which lead to coughing, which led to gagging, which led to puking. 

Saturday I actually pulled my right hip adductor muscle sneezing.

“No, get older,” they said.  “It will be fun,” they said. 

Saw “Steak Revolution” on Netflix. It was pretty damn good. It was about the change from grain fed beef to grass fed beef and everything in between.

There was one scene where this overly earnest, organic, seasonal, sustainable chef talked about how he decided he had to raise a cow from birth to steak. He thought it would turn him into a vegan for life. But he said it was quite the opposite. 

It taught him respect and love for the animal as well as the meat. They would not be born if not for giving us meat, but, in a very Temple Grandin way, we owe them a good life and death. And the better we treat them, the better the steak is.

Great meat, like with great wine, great art, great music, is created with love. And so is great comedy. 

Like the greatest artists, the Beatles, said:

"All you need is love." 

“Hey. My big, ugly, stupid, stinky human is saying that word he says before he feeds me, pets me or throws me the ball. But it is also the word he says when he takes me to that awful place where they cut off my nuts and they shove things in my butt. So who knows? This is a tough one.”

- My dog, Wally’s thoughts each and every time I say the word: "Wally."