Fred Willard doing “MNF” Giants V. Dolphins as “Best in Show” color man, Buck Laughlin:

“The punter, he punts the ball. The kicker, he kicks the ball. What the hell does the wide receiver do with the ball? That sounds like it could hurt.” 

‘You gotta admire the confidence of these kids, Trevor. The Giants wearing light grey pants and the Dolphins in white pants. If that’s me, a little Mexican food the night before, a few big hits. When I bend over that is going to be a Rorschach test back there. Do they make Rorschach tests in brown?”

“You see those long braids some of those players have? That reminds of the curtains this hippie woman I dated had. Do they call the braids hippie curtains? She had her own curtains. That woman did not shave anywhere, if you know what I mean.” 

“Whoa. Did you see where that quarterback put his hands on the center? Hope he asked him to cough a couple times. Don’t want to smell that quarterback's hands. Do they have Purell for the quarterbacks hands on the sideline?”

“The significance of the numbers. No brainer. That is the order of who gets paid from the most to the least. Number one gets paid the most, 99 the least. Turns out not true. Those quarterbacks get big bucks and low numbers. Just a coincidence.”

“The players have those sideline lap-table computers. Quarterbacks have speakers in the helmets. How come the first downs are measured with two sticks and a chain? Do they have Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble manning those things? Just kidding. They weren’t real actors just cartoons. We like to have fun here.”

“That Odell Beckham Jr.’s hair. It sure does remind me of a poodle we had when I was a kid. Charlie. He wasn’t on our head though. He was too busy humping our legs.” 

“That poor Jason Pierre-Paul lost a bunch of fingers with a fireworks accident. It’s easy to see how that could happen, though. When they count to three, do you throw the firecracker when they say three? Or do you wait until after three? Next thing you know it’s boom and hey, Jayson give me a high three. Get it? He only has three fingers. But a tragic accident. Our hearts go out to Jason. Our fingers too."