Monday, December 14, 2015

In the UFC title fight, Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo in 13 seconds. That is faster than Bill Cosby used to knockout his dates.

Conor McGregor beat Jose Aldo in 13 seconds to win the UFC title. For $50 Pay-Per-View fights lasting less than 15 seconds, please consult your Ob/Gyn, because you got screwed. 

Forensic scientists have created what they feel is a realistic picture of Jesus given his birthplace and background. Upon seeing it, Donald Trump called for a ban on Jesus. 

Mike Tyson still supports Donald Trump despite Trump’s Muslim ban. And who can doubt the political acumen of a jamoke who lost $300 million and got the sanskrit words for Stanky Leg tatted on his face?

Nike has unveiled the Kobe 11, the last of their Kobe Bryant shoes. It should be the biggest seller because, like Kobe, nobody can pass on them.

Rumor has it Justin Bieber and Courtney Kardashian have hooked up. This asks the proverbial question: if a Kardashian and a Bieber have sex and it’s not on video, did it really happen?

“Sports Illustrated” Sportsperson of the Year went to a person, tennis star, Serena Williams. Many are upset it did not go to a horse, Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah. They could have compromised and given it to Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder. That way it would go to a horse’s ass.

Since you asked:

One of our modern nightmares is when your computer is not working. Usually it isn’t the computer, it is an application or a site that is funked up. It is usually funked-up because we did something wrong to funk it up. Or it was designed by some evil website designer who truly believes his site is the only one in the world.

The other day, Netflix was not working on my laptop. This did not drive me crazy because it was working on the TV. But it did bother me. 

So, finally, I went in and flinked a hookmey slank and ferviglered a smackerspood and then changed the setting of the persnicker bex and then went into preferences and waggerstagged the linkerhopple.

And it worked. 

This flu/cold thang has seriously kicked my ass. The other day I started sneezing, which lead to coughing, which led to gagging, which led to puking. 

Saturday I actually pulled my right hip adductor muscle sneezing.

“No, get older,” they said.  “It will be fun,” they said. 

Saw “Steak Revolution” on Netflix. It was pretty damn good. It was about the change from grain fed beef to grass fed beef and everything in between.

There was one scene where this overly earnest, organic, seasonal, sustainable chef talked about how he decided he had to raise a cow from birth to steak. He thought it would turn him into a vegan for life. But he said it was quite the opposite. 

It taught him respect and love for the animal as well as the meat. They would not be born if not for giving us meat, but, in a very Temple Grandin way, we owe them a good life and death. And the better we treat them, the better the steak is.

Great meat, like with great wine, great art, great music, is created with love. And so is great comedy. 

Like the greatest artists, the Beatles, said:

"All you need is love." 

“Hey. My big, ugly, stupid, stinky human is saying that word he says before he feeds me, pets me or throws me the ball. But it is also the word he says when he takes me to that awful place where they cut off my nuts and they shove things in my butt. So who knows? This is a tough one.”

- My dog, Wally’s thoughts each and every time I say the word: "Wally."