Saturday, January 28, 2012

Scene of the crime today

Now, Slattinas and Nuggasors, you know how I hate to brag . . .

But, if you watched the Farmer's Open at Torrey Pines, your buddy, Lexter-dexter the complexter wreckster, was done up and tearing it up three miles south at La Jolla Shores on his SUP. Brain shattering beautiful day.

Now it is watching the GAHF on TV at TP, a nap and then grilling some steak with bake potato and chives and sour cream. And wine. Lots of red wine.

(Knock on wood three times)

Boooooooooooooooooo Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanng.

Memo to all my beloved Slatterns and Ranchers. From this point forward;

"Why you got to do me like 'dat?" has been changed to;

"I don't understand what happened to our love."

That is all.

Friday, January 27, 2012

A woman in England, Hazel Jones, has two vaginas. You think that is wild? The Kardashian family has six dicks.

New information emerging on that amazing Navy Seal Team raid to free the hostages from the Somali terrorists. Before the raid, they handed out to the Seals inspirational bracelets with W.W.M.W.D.? on them, which stands for: What Would Mark Wahlberg Do?

"Modern Family" quote of the week:

Phil Dunphy: "No, "Blindside" was the black tight end."

Alex Dunphy: "Offensive line."

Phil: "Sorry, African American."

Re: Joe Paterno. A great coach, no doubt. But there are crimes that are so heinous - though crimes of neglect they may be - they are crimes that cannot be forgiven.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Nike founder, Phil Knight, said Penn State coach Joe Paterno was his hero; of course, Knight has been a big believer in ignoring child abuse in his shoe factories for decades.
Would someone please remind this bony hag that, unlike President Obama, Arizona Gov. Brewer has no jurisdiction over who Seal Team Six kills next?

If you combined Sofia Vergara with Vera Farmiga, you would get Soveri Farfromgari (So very far from Gary. Yes, little Marc Hartnet snake, this is what I do all day)

Nadal advanced at the Australian Open. Things like this make me feel so inadequate as a writer in that I cannot put down in words how little this means to me.

In NBA news, the Wizards beat the Bobcats, 92-75. In far more relevant news, my dog Wrigley, while snoring on his back, passed gas so loudly it woke him up.

Really like those Anthony Bourdain "The Layover" shows, but I just wish he could find a way to eat more, drink more and swear more:

"I'm so effing full and mother effing drunk, let's find some other effin' place that serves greasy mothereffin food and c****sucking hard booze."

Since you asked:
As I was cuddling up and talking sickening baby talk to my dog ("Was dis my widdles cuddle bunnies and love lambses, yes dis wases.") Wrigley slimed me with some viscous goo slobber on my wrist and leg and pants like Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters." Well played, Wrigger-Digger T, well played.
A bank robber in Brazil literally shot himself in the foot during the heist. He was arrested and charged with armed robbery and impersonating Rick Perry.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Congratulations to the amazing Seal Team Six. First Osama, now the Somali hostages. And they did it without the help of Mark Wahlberg. Amazing. Their next mission? Try to get a man on Nancy Pelosi.

Both Demi Moore and Tracy Morgan admitted to the hospital for what was described as exhaustion. Only Hollywood would try and equate passing out on booze and drugs with hard work.

"Oh, my head is killing me. My scene ran way over at the bar last night."


What the hell?

Bruce Jenner is the guy on the left with the bad fu manchu who, at 6.2, could not weigh more than 180 lbs in 1972. Steve Prefontaine, a 5,000 runner, was more buffed. Tenth place finish at Munich in a relatively weak field. Except for the winner, USSR's Avilov, who, if I am not mistaken, died soon after due to steroid-caused kidney failure.

Four years later and I doubt he weighs less than 225. 40 to 45 pounds of muscle in four years? And that weight gain is from a guy who ran an insane 50+ miles a week for the 1500. Bruce, don't pee on my foot and tell me it's raining. Destroys a very strong field. No less an expert than top decathlon guru, Dr. Frank Zarnowski, commented at the time - in amazement - Jenner changed his body type from ectomorph (frail and skinny) to mesomorph (buffed) in four years.

And here he is now

"People" magazine, April, 1977.
"The whole ballgame is to preserve your dignity and not do something that makes you look like a fool." Bruce Jenner.

In what would also become a lesson in irony, Bruce Jenner helps us understand the definition of dignity. How did that work out for him?

What was even more damning as evidence to Jenner's steroid abuse wasn't just the adding of 45 pounds in four years, but the more dramatic weight loss right afterwards. When you stop taking steroids, the muscles vanish. At the time of this article Jenner admitted he was thinner than in Montreal, but, as usual, lied about how much. Many guessed 20 pounds melted off the year after the Olympics.

By the time he was cast to play "Superman" ahead of Christopher Reeves - until they found out Jenner couldn't act to save his life and his voice was higher than Richard Simmons's - Jenner was considered too skinny to realistically play the part.

The top picture speaks to Jenner's natural build, slight and frail. Yes, he is getting older. But so are naturally buffed athletes like Jim Brown and they are still burly.

Why so hard on the
BJ, I can hear my buddy, Mark O'Snake, say? I'll tell you why, Snickity. For lack of a better word, Jenner is the patriarch of the most sinister and evil family in the world. The Kardashian's personify all that is wrong with our society.

The stupidity. The vanity. The snottiness. The sheer greed. The rudeness. The entitlement.

In short order, Jenner went from my Decathlon idol, to Montreal where he was easily the rudest and biggest a-hole I have ever talked to straight into a thirty year slide into a
colossal humiliation of a human bad joke.

As far back as 1980 in Santa Barbara, rumors of Jenner's wild and wildly flamboyant lifestyle were being touted from a college friend who was one of the only straight guys who worked on the largely un-closeted Barry Manilow tour. Even Jenner's broadcasting buddy, Lynn Swann, joked Jenner like Tequila on his Wheaties.

Believe me, I am not a hater due to Jenner's sexuality, whatever it is. What I am against isn't just the flaming hypocrisy that exists throughout that entire Kardashian lineage, but the way they are pimping that hypocrisy to make a fortune, in essence cashing in on lying to the world.

Sadly, however, as happens too often, the liars, the cheaters, the phonies, the bad guys get the last laugh. (See: Donald Trump) Last year the Kardashian family made over $65 million.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Amigos contigos, via con dios, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in:

A woman in England, Hazel Jones, has two vaginas. Big deal, if you're going to count them up, the Kardashian sisters total six.

Forget Bridget, I want to see a movie called "Hazel Jones's Diary."

Just so's yah's knows:

I am officially done with Padma on "Top Chef." Still love the show, but she has too much diva 'tude going. My new fascination is Nadia G. Honest-to-god, I cannot figure out if she is hot, scary, crazy, sexy or skanky. Or all of the above. She turns and winks and she looks hot, then she turns her head the other way, you see the shaved scalp and YIKES.

One chef we know is hot is Giada D. Check out her show in Tahiti. It should be titled: "Your Life Will Never, Ever Be as Good as Mine. "

Oh, and Google: Fred Drexel's Award Winning Chili Recipe.

That is what I got bubbling on my stove. But I am going to turn it into Lex's Cold Spring Tavern Chili. How? At the beginning, I floured and broiled the meat like Julia's Beouf B. Then, at the end, I add ranch beans and finish it by smoking it with Jack Daniels cask oak chips on the grill. Serve with diced yellow onions, shredded cheddar cheese, crushed blue corn chips and sour cream. Add a beer and cornbread and a sliced avocado salad with fresh basil, balsamic, and EVOO, sea salt and pepper.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.
Hey, Heidi, if you want to talk or, you know, just get weird with somebody, hey, buddies for life, I think.

A snowmobiler in Washington buried by an avalanche was saved by his fast-acting friends. Thank goodness Mark Wahlberg was there to save him.

An 85-year-old Alaska woman, whose husband was being trampled by a moose, beat the moose away with a shovel. Both husband and wife are fine, but the moose is being brutally teased by all the other moose.

Since you asked:

This story brings to mind a story of former ski trip buddies who petted a moose.

Moose are like chimps in that we humans have some odd need to make them cute when they are actually angry, aggressive and mean critters. Although I will say this for moose: I’ve never read about them chewing off a person’s face or penis.

So you’re probably thinking the five or six guys who petted the moose are drunken idiots. Since I wasn’t there I can’t speak for the drunken part, but it was after a day of skiing in Jackson Hole, so, yes, there was probably drinking involved.

It was dinner time and a moose wandered into their plush ski-in, ski-out condo’s backyard. They ventured out and took pictures of them petting the moose. Granted, since the moose lived on a ski resort, it may have been a tad more docile around humans than most moose. (Most Moose is my new country rock band)

But one of the guys I witnessed pet a buffalo in Yellowstone and he was as sober as a judge. Well, then he and his fellow moose petters are idiots, right? Nope, all are well-educated, hard-working and successful family men.

The upside to petting a moose is very limited. About the only upshot is if the moose does not maim or kill you. How about the fact that you get to tell people you petted a moose?


If you tell someone you petted a moose you instantly reveal that you are stupid enough to try and pet a moose.

You can measure the stupidity of an act by the amount of indifference from people informed said act killed the person.

Like for example:

“Did you hear Darryl died?”

“That is so tragic. He was so young. How did he die?”

“He was going 125 mph on his motorcycle in the rain and spun out.”

Sheesh, well what did he expect?” Same is true of petting a moose.

“Did you hear Keith got killed by a moose?”

“Oh, that is awful. Was he skiing when a moose ran out of the woods and attacked him?”

“No, he was trying to pet the moose.”

“Oh, well, pffft.”

Since you asked again:
Stand up paddle board surfing has been much more of an education than I suspected it would be. Most surfers get a bad rap. Like snowboarding, the burned-out, stoner, territorial dumb-ass 20% give the other 80% a bad name.

The good surfers are thoughtful and downright philosophical about the spirituality of the ocean. Like Laird Hamilton. Like my old Railhead band mates, Bob and Murray.

Surfers have as many words for waves as Eskimos do for snow. Curling, tubed, head and shoulders, crumbly, closing out, lefts, rights, victory at sea, walled-up, blown-out, held-up, soupy, glassy, mushy, strong, weak, overhead, double-overhead, ankle, knee, waist, shoulder high.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A UCLA study reveals bad friends - or frenemies - can cause so much stress they can result in serous health problems. It is true, here is a picture of John McCain right before he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate.

I've seen enough to know I've seen too much

What was my hippy/crazy Aunt Maggie doing singing the National Anthem? Oops, sorry, Steven Tyler.

They all up an hank-skankin’ the flozer-bobble, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A high school in Utah opted not to go with the team name Cougar because it was too suggestive. They decided to go with the Fighting Slutty Divorcees instead.

Here is my question: is it too soon to hit on Heidi Klum?

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up for a procedure where they form his genitals into a penis. They take a vagina and turn it into a real penis. Or as it is also known: pulling a Kim Kardashian.

A drunk Pennsylvania couple tried to blow up a car by stuffing it with tampons and lighting the tampons. The car did not blow up, and now it can go swimming, camping, horseback riding . . .

In North Carolina, a prisoner tried to sneak a gun into prison stuck up his rectum. Can you imagine a loaded gun in your rectum? Talk about going off half-cocked.

How? Well he stuck it in his Carolina and pushed it North.

Hey Super Bowl. Eli's coming. (Wow, I shanked that joke so bad I Billy Cundiff'd it)

Don't see what the big deal was. Thought Cher did a fine job singing the National Anthem. Oh, it was Steven Tyler? Oops. Although she has a great voice, my problem was with Kristin Chenowith's rendition. It was so slow afterwards San Francisco were the 2049'ers.

Is it just me, or does Newt Gingrich look like that old, bitter college English professor who never learned anyone's name and called on people with;

"Let me see, yes, you there."

Dear Snotty, little know-it-all website-designers-who-make-it-virtually-impossible-to-log-on-to-your "Invalid E-mail address, invalid password" site.

I've got it on very good authority you will spend eternity in a hell that is a rat and roach infested, sewer-stenched rusty no-air-conditioned trailer home in Mesquite, Nevada on a 130 degree July day while slowly dying of a urinary tract infection you caught from buggering a goat.

Have a nice day.

Since you asked:

Where are so many people getting their knickers in a wad over Steven Tyler's National Anthem? It was fine. It was fun and Steven Tyler-ie.

Maybe not the best choice for a National Anthem, but that is a hard song and he was gutsy to try it. Would you want to hear Mick Jagger, or Bruce Springsteen, or Tom Petty, or Neil Young, or - god forbid - Bob Dylan, or Eric Clapton sing the National Anthem? Or even Don Henley? Maybe Don, but he is too much of a pain-in-the-ass to agree to do it. He would have some political rant/legal reason not to do it. Randy "Take it to the Limit" Meisner could have killed it.

In his day I bet Robert Plant could nail it. He has/had amazing range. And that guy from Journey. Steve Perry.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Gimme that ol' timey NFL

Dear NFL:

Here is your barometer. Dick Butkus. Anything fancier, flashier, not-as-tough, more celebratory, fits on a sliding scale of douchey to down-right sissified.