Monday, January 23, 2012

I've seen enough to know I've seen too much

What was my hippy/crazy Aunt Maggie doing singing the National Anthem? Oops, sorry, Steven Tyler.

They all up an hank-skankin’ the flozer-bobble, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A high school in Utah opted not to go with the team name Cougar because it was too suggestive. They decided to go with the Fighting Slutty Divorcees instead.

Here is my question: is it too soon to hit on Heidi Klum?

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up for a procedure where they form his genitals into a penis. They take a vagina and turn it into a real penis. Or as it is also known: pulling a Kim Kardashian.

A drunk Pennsylvania couple tried to blow up a car by stuffing it with tampons and lighting the tampons. The car did not blow up, and now it can go swimming, camping, horseback riding . . .

In North Carolina, a prisoner tried to sneak a gun into prison stuck up his rectum. Can you imagine a loaded gun in your rectum? Talk about going off half-cocked.

How? Well he stuck it in his Carolina and pushed it North.

Hey Super Bowl. Eli's coming. (Wow, I shanked that joke so bad I Billy Cundiff'd it)

Don't see what the big deal was. Thought Cher did a fine job singing the National Anthem. Oh, it was Steven Tyler? Oops. Although she has a great voice, my problem was with Kristin Chenowith's rendition. It was so slow afterwards San Francisco were the 2049'ers.

Is it just me, or does Newt Gingrich look like that old, bitter college English professor who never learned anyone's name and called on people with;

"Let me see, yes, you there."

Dear Snotty, little know-it-all website-designers-who-make-it-virtually-impossible-to-log-on-to-your "Invalid E-mail address, invalid password" site.

I've got it on very good authority you will spend eternity in a hell that is a rat and roach infested, sewer-stenched rusty no-air-conditioned trailer home in Mesquite, Nevada on a 130 degree July day while slowly dying of a urinary tract infection you caught from buggering a goat.

Have a nice day.

Since you asked:

Where are so many people getting their knickers in a wad over Steven Tyler's National Anthem? It was fine. It was fun and Steven Tyler-ie.

Maybe not the best choice for a National Anthem, but that is a hard song and he was gutsy to try it. Would you want to hear Mick Jagger, or Bruce Springsteen, or Tom Petty, or Neil Young, or - god forbid - Bob Dylan, or Eric Clapton sing the National Anthem? Or even Don Henley? Maybe Don, but he is too much of a pain-in-the-ass to agree to do it. He would have some political rant/legal reason not to do it. Randy "Take it to the Limit" Meisner could have killed it.

In his day I bet Robert Plant could nail it. He has/had amazing range. And that guy from Journey. Steve Perry.