Saturday, February 04, 2017

Has anyone seen Denis Leary and Kellyanne Conway in the same place together? 

During a celebrity game during the NHL All Star weekend, a picture has gone viral of NHL great, Chris Pronger, checking Justin Bieber into the boards. He hit Bieber so hard, one of Bieb's testicles dropped. 

Since you asked:

At the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel has to have Denis Leary come out in a blonde wig in that Kellyanne Nutcracker outfit. 

Do I have to think of everything?

Trump counselor, Kellyanne Conway, said that after the Bowling Green Massacre, Obama invoked an immigrant ban on Iraq. Except that there was no massacre at Bowling Green and there was no immigrant ban. Who would have guessed the smartest thing Kellyanne did recently was wear her Nutcracker outfit? 

Convicted dog-fighting felon, Michael Vick, announced his retirement from the NFL. Vick did not play last year. That is like me withdrawing my name from contention for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Bespoke the joke.

One of the funniest things I have ever seen on TV was when I was a kid growing up outside of Chicago. On the News (Or Dah Newssssss as they call it in Chicago ) they would interview some hard-scrabble, Chicago policeman at the scene of a crime, typically a burglary. Painfully nervous and in a thick Chicago accent, the police officer would try as hard as he could to sound legally professorial.

“Dah perp-ah-traitor in this here circumstance attempted feloniously to trespass illegally via a busted window. Said perp-ah-traitor, in a wanton and precarious fashion, then swiped said possessions of the non-attending domicile inhabiter and then vacated the premises voraciously like a bat out of stinkin’ hell. Said perp-ah-traitor is still at large and not under confiscation.”  

If they interviewed two cops, each one would try and out syllable the other until I thought it would end in a fist fight. 

From the time I was ten and old enough to enjoy watching sports on TV in suburban Chicago, I was fascinated by the sunsets in California. 

From my earliest and most vivid memory of OJ Simpson romping up and down the Rose Bowl to Rams, Forty Niner, and Raiders games, to golf tournaments in Palm Springs of Pebble Beach, and track meets at the Coliseum, the sunsets seemed glorious, breezy, floral and desert-like bone dry. (Or dessert-like)

The personification of these California sunsets was James Garner. A guy's guy. He was often on the sidelines of the Raider and Forty Niners games and playing the celebrity pro ams of the golf tournaments. 

For reasons I can’t explain, - and in a straight way, not that anything is wrong with a not-straight way - it became a dream to share a steak sandwich and a beverage with Garner at the 19th watering hole at Pebble Beach. 

Tonight, when I walked Wally up a canyon hill, it was just like one of those sunsets. 

But no steak sandwich. No cocktail. Sadly, no James Garner.

Sean Spicer reminds me of the substitute teacher who was bullied as a child so he wants to get even and be a bully as a teacher. But it backfires and he gets bullied by the students all over again. 

This segment I like to call:

Lex’s Executive Orders:

Only medical doctors who can help people in emergencies get to use the title Dr. Nobody wants to be choking on a plane to find out the Doctor next to him is a Doctor of Art History.

Replace all people in prison for recreational marijuana use with computer hackers. 

All marketing phone calls and house calls are illegal.

No more loose subscription cards in magazines.

Only one sticker per piece of fruit or vegetable. Less stickum on that sticker.

Less products made with pumpkin spice or cranberries.

Texting or talking on a phone while driving is an automatic $1,000 fine with the money going straight to military veterans.

Packaging must be easier to open, this means you Trader Joe’s. 

Non-use of turn signals $500 fine, all money going to preventing children’s cancer.

Loud use of cell phone in front of captive audience $100 fine. All money going to Suicide prevention and the SPCA. 

Many questions surrounding Super Bowl LI. Will the favored Patriots win a fifth time? Will the Falcons upset them? Will Lady Gaga have a meat dress wardrobe malfunction? Why is it called Super Bowl Lie? 

Nordstrom has cancelled Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said Nordstrom made the biggest Ivanka Trump line order in history. 

Nordstrom has cancelled Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. And Eric Trump has lost his endorsement deal with Underoos. 

Friday, February 03, 2017

A survey claims Sunday morning at 9:00 AM is when most couples have sex. And at 9:02, most guys say they’re sorry. 

In a meeting about black history month, President Trump spoke of Frederick Douglass - who died in 1895 - as if he was still alive. When informed Douglass was dead, Trump said, “He didn’t look good the last time I saw him.” 

President Trump insulted Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Celebrity Apprentice” ratings. Trump said Frederick Douglass would make a better host. 

Uber CEO, Travis Kalanick, quit President Trump’s advisory council. The most embarrassing part? After Travis quit, he couldn’t get a ride home. 

Donald Trump’s physician reveals Trump takes Propecia, a hair-growth drug that causes impotence. Which is why Melania takes Chardonnay. 

The Navy Seal who shot Osama bin Laden has a book coming out. Here’s the weird part: the book is: “Vegan Baking For Idiots.” 

A 79-year-old British man claims he slept with 2,084 women. Or as Warren Beatty calls him: a virgin. ‘

Nordstrom has dropped Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. In more bad Trump news, Eric has lost his endorsement deal with Summer’s Eve feminine cleansing wash. 

Saints coach Sean Payton says he is going to add a "simple scrambler" to the locker room to keep players off social media before games. If only Baylor could do that to keep players off coeds. 

Since you asked:

This is my favorite story that indicates the workings of Donald Trump’s fragile ego.

Graydon Carter, as the editor of “Spy,” took to calling Trump a “Short-fingered vulgarian.” 

Not only did Trump know about this, it upset him greatly. It upset him to the point that, from time to time, Trump would send Graydon an article about one of his great accomplishments and with it an outline of his hand on a piece of paper, drawn with a Sharpie, with a comment like, 

“See? Not so short, huh?” 

You think that is amazing? The most amazing part is yet to come: the hand and fingers Trump outlined were amazingly short and stubby.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

“TMZ” revealed, at practice, Tom Brady mistakenly put apostrophes on the plural words toes and knees on his wristband. With grammar that bad, it is unlikely Tom will ever amount to anything.

Illinois State signed a recruit named Kobe Buffalomeat. Word has it he is a beefy kid. Due to his great name, he has been grilled by the press. A player this good is rare. But the steaks are high. So let's hope he meats expectations. 

In fact, some think Kobe is so good, he could be remembered for 200 years. Until the Bison-tennial. (OK, that one sucked . . . ) 

A survey claims Sunday morning at 9:00 AM is when most couples have sex. You know what this means? I will never shake people’s hands at brunch again. 

Uber CEO, Travis Kalanick, quit President Trump’s advisory council. The most embarrassing part? After he quit, he couldn’t get a ride home. 

Donald Trump’s physician reveals Trump takes Propecia, a hair-loss drug that causes impotence. Which is why Melania is on Chardonnay. 

President Trump yelled at the Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull. Getting mad at Australia is like yelling at your surfer cousin for getting drunk and dropping his pants at your wedding.

Michigan State recruit, Donovan Winter, could not sign because he was in jail for stealing a gun. “That’s why we give all of our recruits their own gun,” said Baylor. 

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Randy Newman - Political Science (Let's Drop the Big One Now)

The US may have a diplomatic rift with Australia following a refugee disagreement. It got awkward when Trump called Arnold Schwarzenegger and asked him to smooth things over with his home country. 

President Trump (still not used to that) had a heated phone exchange with Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull. The Australian used three crikeys and called Trump a drongo.  

We could go to war against Australia. Of course, war against Australia is a beach volleyball tournament and beer chugging contest.

President Donald Trump had a heated phone exchange with Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull. It got especially ugly when Trump yelled, “I got your down under right here.”

It turns out the bacon shortage story was a hoax. So would somebody tell Chris Christie to come in from the 20th story ledge?

A group of cheerleaders have filed a lawsuit against the NFL for unfair wages. Roger Goodell versus cheerleaders. Gosh, I wonder what side most guys are going to be on?

They found 7 bricks of cocaine in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They suspected something when the flight attendant was excited about the seatbelt demonstration. 

Melania Trump has not been seen in 12 days. This could explain that strange noise coming from one of the Obama’s unpacked crates.

White House counselor, Kellyanne Conway, compared Donald Trump to Jesus. Well, they did both got hammered about their hands.

The Eagles Take It Easy Lead & Backing Vocals DEMO?


Nothing like bar bathroom humor . . . 

My dog, Wally, does the stanky-leg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In a lawsuit, it was revealed Johnny Depp spends $30,000 a month on wine. And some of his money he spends frivolously. 

Our supply of bacon is at its lowest level in years. The news just keeps getting worse for NJ gov. Chris Christie. 

New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie’s approval ratings are the lowest of any governor in 20 years. Christie has even more problems, but that is the abridged version. 

The Navy Seal who shot Osama bin Laden has written a book. Gosh, I sure hope this helps him with his problem meeting women.

In Hawaii, a huge river of molten lava is pouring into the ocean. It will harden and form an island and, in a few days, they will open a Starbucks on it. 

Madonna has come under criticism for her f-bomb speech at the women's march. Madonna is getting older, she was swearing at all the people she thought were on her lawn. 

31 bricks of cocaine were found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They suspected there was a problem when the jet kept trying to fly to Lindsay Lohan’s house.

A woman was kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight because her top was too revealing. That’s silly because the biggest boobs of all work for Spirit Airlines. 

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Like Delta, American Airlines loves to fly and it shows ... under their nose. 

Since you asked:

Despite not enjoying going to the doctor as a child, I was always comforted by the soapy smell of the doctor’s freshly scrubbed hands. 

So each day, I scrub my hands really well several times. And I throw on a dusting of cinnamon. Soap and cinnamon are two smells I adored as a child and still do. 

The first time I heard Christoph Waltz talk in his wonderfully clipped and sophisticated accent, three things occurred to me. 

1, Christoph is from Austria. 

And 2, Arnold Schwarzenegger is also from Austria. 

And, 3, poor Arnold is mentally impaired. 

Arnold: “It’s not a tuuuuumahhhhhhh.” 

Yes, Arnold, it may be a tumor. There is something seriously wrong with you. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

We’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump said he believes in torture. “Boy, I’ll say he does,” said Melania.

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They became suspicious when the jet wouldn’t shut up about wanting to write a screenplay. 

Oprah is going to join “60 Minutes” as a special contributor. It is so nice to see Oprah finally catch a break. Maybe this will turn things around for her? 

So maybe now Oprah can quit her job as an Uber driver? 

Donald Trump to announce Supreme Court nomination this week. Asked about his chances, Gary Busey said, “The stanky-leg moose buys his pajamas at funky town.” 

Not to give anything away, but the Supreme Court could be Trump’s last chance to give his idiot son, Eric, a job for life.

A study claims a four-second pause can cause an awkward conversation. Especially when it follows the question: “Can I use your bathroom?” 

There is a new Tostitos bag that doubles as a breathalyzer. Because that will work great if you get pulled over. “But officer, my Tostitos bag told me I was OK to drive.” 

There is a Tostitos bag that doubles as a breathalyzer to tell if you’re drunk. And there is a Pringles canister of pizza-flavored crisps that can tell of you’re stoned. If you’re eating pizza-flavored Pringles? You’re stoned. 

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They became suspicious when the pilots were awful chatty considering how drunk they were. 

Are you excited for the Super Bowl? You’ve got a pregame show, Lady Gaga performing at halftime along with the lingerie bowl, the puppy bowl, the Bud Bowl, not to mention outstanding commercials. What am I forgetting? Oh, yeah, a football game.

It is the sixth anniversary of when 30-year-old, Crystal Harris became engaged to 90-year-old Hugh Hefner. As a present, she gave Hef a skydiving certificate.

Since you asked:

To date, the Kardashian women have turned Scott Disick into an alcoholic, Lamar Odom into a crack addict, they turned Bruce Jenner into a woman and they made Kanye West lose his mind. Turns out Kardashian is an Armenian term that means:  Butts that make men nuts. 

Saw this on a funny gas station sign: 

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?” 

So you’re thinking of hiring a comedy writer and you’re wondering, Lex, what does a freelance comedy writer charge?

It’s easy. $200 a joke or $5 a word. Negotiability contingent on how busy I am. Right now it is negotiable. 

Comedian Amy Schumer defended her second cousin, Senator Chuck Schumer, after President Trump accused Chuck of using fake tears. And this is the weird-ass world we live in, folks.

Go screw yourself, you jaundiced pigeon

Maybe this is just me, but it seems to me society’s slow degeneration can be traced back to one watershed moment: when Woodstock appeared in “Peanuts.”

In 1970, when that annoying bird, Woodstock, was given a name, fashion, politics, food, manufacturing, entertainment, basically everything except rock and roll - which was amazingly awesome at that time - began to turn to crap. 

In the 1970's we got, in no specific order, Nixon, rayon, polyester, bell bottoms, margarine, Ford Pintos, eight tracks, Pet Rocks, "Me and the Chimp" and Burt Reynolds movies. Burt freakin' Reynolds movies. 

And we liked them. 

Seems to me if you can have alternative facts you can also have alternative words. If you can't think of the right word, why can't you just make one up? That only seems fairlified.

When constifating for the correct meaning, you can just gropitude for a word and have it fill your exectafications and or specifitosity.

What a bi-poligoran illuminatoric congnitizational assundification.  

It is downrightly persmunctory. 

Just picked the movie "The Girl On The Train." Here is my question: why are there protestors marching outside my door?

Stinky poop

Monday, January 30, 2017

You mess with a taint, there gonna be a complaint, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study claims a four-second pause is enough to make a conversation awkward. Especially if it follows the statement, “You’re standing on my foot.” 

Former Raven, Ray Lewis, is going to be on “Lip Sync Battle.” Based on his history, I bet Ray is going to kill. 

In San Francisco, an S&M porn studio had to shut down for financial reasons. They were getting spanked on their bottom line.  

Conservatives are threatening to boycott Starbucks due to their CEO’s pledge to hire 10,000 immigrants. How dare he have immigrants serve their Brazilian, Colombian, Kenyan and Ethiopian coffees?

Trump advisor, Kellyanne Conway, compared Donald Trump to Jesus. Not sure about that. The only miracles Trump has performed is getting businesses that sold football, gambling, meat and booze to Americans to fail. 

Since you asked:

Overheard in a bar, guy ogling woman,

"That woman is a skyrocket to Woodrowland." 

Maybe this is a chefs-are-a-pain-in-the-ass thing combined with a diva thing, but I have it on impeccable authority that Rachel Ray, Padma Lakshmi and Ann Burrell are all scorching uber bitches. 

Anne Burrell is a bitch on the air, but she is even worse off the air. But Rachel Ray is the biggest hypocrite, she is sweetness and light on the air, but the worst one of all off the air. But Padma is a close second. 

GoPro Dolphins

So I was on the couch watching the Farmers Open, when I was drifting half asleep and they showed a guy stand up paddling with dolphins breaching in the background. "Man, it must be nice to live there," I thought.

This is my very first GoPro outing with the camera on the bow of my board. Saw dolphins and then caught a wave.


This is me after my first cup of coffee after three days without...

Like I always say, juck 'em if they can't take a foke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Political posts on Facebook are getting nastily contentious. It is so bad, people are starting to long for pictures of kale, quinoa and tofu vegan meals. 

Tiger Woods missed the cut at the Farmers Open in La Jolla, CA. Thought it was mean when he was leaving and they sang, “You’re out Farmers, bum bah bum bum bum bum bum.” 

Since you asked:

“Ginspiration Point” (good name) has been named the winner of the “Santa Barbara Drink Contest” and will be on the menu at Alcazar Tapas Bar. 

Bull shit. 

It is a foo-foo drink of gin, egg white and chartreuse. 

The real Santa Barbara cocktail would be a heavy dose of vodka - a nod to the stiff drinks at Joe’s -  ice, fresh orange juice - a nod to the abundance of citrus trees in the hills and the now-shuttered restaurants, La Paloma and Esau’s  - and float a quick dash of cranberry - as an homage to their sunsets - and a splash of soda - to the effervescence that is life in Santa Barbara. 

Poured into a large frozen martini glass. Squeeze of lime. Dusting of salt on the rim, served with a eucalyptus leaf on the side. 

What do we call this glorious concoction? 

St. Babs. 

(High-fiving a million angels)

(check to see if Bill Snake is reading. Do remember your Fuzzy Navels?) 

As someone who has mentioned ad nausea I have attended a Super Bowl media day as a member of the media, let me sum it up for you:

Member of the press: 

“How can I get you to say something controversial about your opponent so I can sell my story?”

Super Bowl player:

“You can’t because my coach will make my life a living hell if I do, so I am going to say something as bland as possible. And I mean Bill Belichick bland.”