Saturday, February 04, 2017

Has anyone seen Denis Leary and Kellyanne Conway in the same place together? 

During a celebrity game during the NHL All Star weekend, a picture has gone viral of NHL great, Chris Pronger, checking Justin Bieber into the boards. He hit Bieber so hard, one of Bieb's testicles dropped. 

Since you asked:

At the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel has to have Denis Leary come out in a blonde wig in that Kellyanne Nutcracker outfit. 

Do I have to think of everything?

Trump counselor, Kellyanne Conway, said that after the Bowling Green Massacre, Obama invoked an immigrant ban on Iraq. Except that there was no massacre at Bowling Green and there was no immigrant ban. Who would have guessed the smartest thing Kellyanne did recently was wear her Nutcracker outfit? 

Convicted dog-fighting felon, Michael Vick, announced his retirement from the NFL. Vick did not play last year. That is like me withdrawing my name from contention for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Bespoke the joke.

One of the funniest things I have ever seen on TV was when I was a kid growing up outside of Chicago. On the News (Or Dah Newssssss as they call it in Chicago ) they would interview some hard-scrabble, Chicago policeman at the scene of a crime, typically a burglary. Painfully nervous and in a thick Chicago accent, the police officer would try as hard as he could to sound legally professorial.

“Dah perp-ah-traitor in this here circumstance attempted feloniously to trespass illegally via a busted window. Said perp-ah-traitor, in a wanton and precarious fashion, then swiped said possessions of the non-attending domicile inhabiter and then vacated the premises voraciously like a bat out of stinkin’ hell. Said perp-ah-traitor is still at large and not under confiscation.”  

If they interviewed two cops, each one would try and out syllable the other until I thought it would end in a fist fight. 

From the time I was ten and old enough to enjoy watching sports on TV in suburban Chicago, I was fascinated by the sunsets in California. 

From my earliest and most vivid memory of OJ Simpson romping up and down the Rose Bowl to Rams, Forty Niner, and Raiders games, to golf tournaments in Palm Springs of Pebble Beach, and track meets at the Coliseum, the sunsets seemed glorious, breezy, floral and desert-like bone dry. (Or dessert-like)

The personification of these California sunsets was James Garner. A guy's guy. He was often on the sidelines of the Raider and Forty Niners games and playing the celebrity pro ams of the golf tournaments. 

For reasons I can’t explain, - and in a straight way, not that anything is wrong with a not-straight way - it became a dream to share a steak sandwich and a beverage with Garner at the 19th watering hole at Pebble Beach. 

Tonight, when I walked Wally up a canyon hill, it was just like one of those sunsets. 

But no steak sandwich. No cocktail. Sadly, no James Garner.

Sean Spicer reminds me of the substitute teacher who was bullied as a child so he wants to get even and be a bully as a teacher. But it backfires and he gets bullied by the students all over again. 

This segment I like to call:

Lex’s Executive Orders:

Only medical doctors who can help people in emergencies get to use the title Dr. Nobody wants to be choking on a plane to find out the Doctor next to him is a Doctor of Art History.

Replace all people in prison for recreational marijuana use with computer hackers. 

All marketing phone calls and house calls are illegal.

No more loose subscription cards in magazines.

Only one sticker per piece of fruit or vegetable. Less stickum on that sticker.

Less products made with pumpkin spice or cranberries.

Texting or talking on a phone while driving is an automatic $1,000 fine with the money going straight to military veterans.

Packaging must be easier to open, this means you Trader Joe’s. 

Non-use of turn signals $500 fine, all money going to preventing children’s cancer.

Loud use of cell phone in front of captive audience $100 fine. All money going to Suicide prevention and the SPCA.