Nothing like bar bathroom humor . . . 

My dog, Wally, does the stanky-leg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In a lawsuit, it was revealed Johnny Depp spends $30,000 a month on wine. And some of his money he spends frivolously. 

Our supply of bacon is at its lowest level in years. The news just keeps getting worse for NJ gov. Chris Christie. 

New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie’s approval ratings are the lowest of any governor in 20 years. Christie has even more problems, but that is the abridged version. 

The Navy Seal who shot Osama bin Laden has written a book. Gosh, I sure hope this helps him with his problem meeting women.

In Hawaii, a huge river of molten lava is pouring into the ocean. It will harden and form an island and, in a few days, they will open a Starbucks on it. 

Madonna has come under criticism for her f-bomb speech at the women's march. Madonna is getting older, she was swearing at all the people she thought were on her lawn. 

31 bricks of cocaine were found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They suspected there was a problem when the jet kept trying to fly to Lindsay Lohan’s house.

A woman was kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight because her top was too revealing. That’s silly because the biggest boobs of all work for Spirit Airlines. 

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Like Delta, American Airlines loves to fly and it shows ... under their nose. 

Since you asked:

Despite not enjoying going to the doctor as a child, I was always comforted by the soapy smell of the doctor’s freshly scrubbed hands. 

So each day, I scrub my hands really well several times. And I throw on a dusting of cinnamon. Soap and cinnamon are two smells I adored as a child and still do. 

The first time I heard Christoph Waltz talk in his wonderfully clipped and sophisticated accent, three things occurred to me. 

1, Christoph is from Austria. 

And 2, Arnold Schwarzenegger is also from Austria. 

And, 3, poor Arnold is mentally impaired. 

Arnold: “It’s not a tuuuuumahhhhhhh.” 


Yes, Arnold, it may be a tumor. There is something seriously wrong with you.