Saturday, August 27, 2016

What would you get if you combined Ryan Lochte with Colin Kaepernick? You’d get a guy who will not stand for being robbed or the National Anthem.

After losing his deal with Speedo, Ryan Lochte is going to be on “Dancing With the Stars.” Just like when he wore Speedos, “Dancing with the Stars” will show Ryan is not the complete package.

Since you asked:

It will be interesting to see what Nike does with Colin Kaepernick. 

Nike probably will stay with Colin. But if Colin really wants Nike to stick by him, he needs to go out and do something truly bad like sexually assault someone. Or a few. That worked for Kobe Bryant, Michael Irvin, Ben Roethlisburger and Penn State. Or commit horrific illegal acts or horrific cheating acts like Michael Vick and Lance Armstrong. Or just be really sleazy, like Tiger Woods. 

Nike stuck by all of them. I’m afraid just not standing for the National Anthem is not enough for Nike to keep Colin. 

Not sure if this is a race thing (probably not) or a just a way-better-QB thing, but Joe Montana could have barbecue'd bald eagles during the National Anthem and nobody would have burned his jersey.

More bad news for Cowboy fans. Today Tony Romo pulled a hamstring putting on his back brace.

The last sip of coffee in the morning takes the term bitter sweet from literal to figurative.

This guy said I did not understand irony. Which was ironic because I kicked him in the nuts. 

The right to dissent is what the First Amendment is all about. Not to get all Voltaire, but, while I disagree with what Colin Kaepernick is doing, I defend his right to do it. It takes guts. 

Having said that, I firmly believe Kaepernick has signed his death warrant in the NFL.

Dear Colin Kaepernick:

Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Ryan Lochte and Hope Solo

When I was a kid, I had a balsa wood model airplane with a rubber band attached to the propeller that was more durable than Tony Romo.

Forty Niner QB, Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the National Anthem and then gave the reason as the oppression of black people and people of color in the US. Asked to comment, other NFL players declined citing they had to go shop for a ten-foot pole. 

Friday, August 26, 2016

After all the panic in the press, guess how many cases of Zika virus there were at the Rio Olympics? Zero.   You had a much better chance of catching a bad case of the the morons from Ryan Lochte. 

Ryan Lochte has been picked to be on “Dancing With The Stars.” Or as Ryan put it, some ISIS spies captured him, but then he, along with six Navy Seals, managed to escape so he could sign with “Dancing With the Stars.” 

US Astronaut, Jeff Williams, just set the record for most days in space with 521. Do not confuse this with Ryan Lochte’s record of most days with space between his ears: 11,680. 

A professor at Iowa is complaining their Herky the Hawk mascot is too angry and invites aggression. Hah. What a brilliant and scathing sarcastic put-down of how silly political correctness has become. Oh wait, he was serious? 

We used to know a woman who had the exact same default expression as Melania Trump. It is a step beyond "Resting Bitch Face." It goes into "What Do You Mean Someone Is Sitting Next To Me In First Class?" face. 

Also well described as the "Just Found Out Grammaw Made Meatloaf" face. 

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man

How many music myths does this song bust? Let's count them, shall we?

1, There are things better than an electric guitar chord picked along with a ride symbol opening. Answer? No.

2, Country and rock cannot mix.

3, Tough guys cannot play tender songs.

4, Mellow rock and rocking rock cannot mix. (That guitar solo could put hair on Donald Trump's head)

5, This is not a "Simple Man" myth thing, but did you know every time someone plays "Escape" (The Pina Colada song) god kills a hummingbird?

6, Did you know that two "Bop a woo bop slap slap bip" equal four "Shambawamaba slew wang slips"?
Purfessor Wally sez, "Happy National Dog Day

Dis what dis waz waz dis dawg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy National Dog Day. Or as North Korea’s Kim Jong Un calls it: Thanksgiving. 

Rio police have filed charges against Ryan Lochte for filing a false police report. Ryan could face six months in a Rio jail. After six months in a Rio jail, he would become CaitRyan Lochte. 

There are signs Italy is trying to get back to normal following their earthquake. Today Italian lawyers resumed their lawsuit suing Donald Trump for impersonating Benito Mussolini. 

San Francisco police are hunting for a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger. Police say the culprit is unarmed but is considered to have a dangerously biting wit. 

The Oakland Raiders have filed to copyright the name The Las Vegas Raiders. Basing an NFL team in Las Vegas could raise some serious challenges. Namely getting the players to the field on Sunday.

In Cambodia, a drunk and passed-out 25-year-old man lost his foot when a train ran over it. He was warned if he went drinking there would be trouble afoot. 

San Francisco police are hunting for a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger. Considering the type of crime, San Francisco has no choice but to bring in police from Florida. 

The Oakland Raiders may become The Las Vegas Raiders. Putting an NFL team in a town with 24-hour drinking, gambling, strippers and prostitutes. You can get good odds in Las Vegas that the Las Vegas Raiders will not make it in Las Vegas. 

After getting caught cheating on his girlfriend in Rio, Usain Bolt returns to Jamaica and his girlfriend. This just in: Usain Bolt just set a world record for scampering around on his knees. 

“Bachelorette” winner, Jordan Rodgers, has kept his Tinder account open and has responded to a woman since he’s been engaged to JoJo. This guy is the #1 dog of the day and it is National Dog Day.

Since you asked:

Is there anything worse in sports than when the golfer hits his ball near the cart path? 

And then they have to clear out the fans. And then they stand around waiting for the old, white, fat golf rules guy to arrive by helicopter. (And it is always an old, fat white guy with a southern accent)  And then he gets there and they talk about it. And finally someone pulls out a golf club and you think, finally, they’re going to hit it. No. They just use the club to measure how far to drop the ball. Then the ball rolls, (imagine that? A ball rolling?) so they have to do it again. And then they talk about it some more. They do this three times. 

And finally the golfer, by now visibly older, drops a ball, stands around and then hits it. Which he could have done ten minutes ago. And they are broadcasting this monumental caucus to time wasting the whole time. 

Now that Usain Bolt has given track a pulse again, it is time for track to do the only thing it can to make sure track survives and hopefully thrives. There has to be a death sentence for any and all performance enhancing drug use. 

Anyone caught ordering, buying, taking or masking any performance enhancing drug is banished for life. Period. 

And finally:

Do German/Australians reckon if they sprechen? 

The Oakland Raiders may become The Las Vegas Raiders. Putting an NFL team in a town with 24-hour drinking, gambling, strippers and prostitutes. Even Ryan Lochte thinks this is stupid.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

San Francisco police are hunting a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger. Ironically the bartender was upset the man did not leave a tip.

A tornado destroyed a Starbucks in Kokomo, Indiana. Apparently God got mad when he ordered a latte and they spelled his name Dog.

San Francisco police are hunting a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger when he was kicked out at closing time. Asked why the guy would bite off his finger, the bartender was stumped. 

A town in Minnesota has elected a big white dog named Duke for mayor the third time. When asked if they would vote for Donald Trump for president, they said, “Hey, elections are not a joke.”

San Francisco police are on the look-out for a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger when he was kicked out of a karaoke bar at closing time. The guy really wanted to sing the Rolling Stone’s “Hand of Fate” from their “Sticky Fingers” album.  

(Whored myself for the joke. Everyone knows “Hand of Fate” is on “Black and Blue” not “Sticky Fingers”)

 San Francisco police are on the look-out for a man who bit-off a bartender’s finger when he was kicked out of a karaoke bar at closing time. He wanted to sing “The Pinky Song.” 

In Cambodia, a passed-out drunken 25-year-old man lost his foot when it was run over by a train. His name? Hop Soon.

He was going to sue the train company, but he did not have a leg to stand on. They had to call an ambulance and a toe truck. 

Since you asked:

Cobie Smulders? We need to talk. Honey. Sweety. I’m letting you go as a celebrity crush. Oh, shoot. See? I knew you would start crying. Before you say anything, it is not you, it is me. OK, it is partly you. 

How did you go from my dream girl, eating Chinese food and drinking chardonnay in my lower Manhattan studio apartment on a rainy, Fall, Sunday afternoon, reading “The New York Times” together after destroying records kept by “Masters and Johnson,” to looking like an angry ex-WNBA player coaching Junior College hoops in Nebraska after a bitter divorce? 

Anyone else see this?

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

You best deal with my real, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ryan Lochte has signed up to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” His specialty will be tap-dancing around the truth. 

Hope Solo has been suspended for six months by US Soccer for calling the Swedish team cowards. The six months is tough, but I think sentencing Hope to a month of listening to ABBA is downright cruel. 

Scientists have identified a new sexual fetish of women being attracted to middle-aged men. It is called the “OK, But Not Adam Sandler” fetish.  

Actress Bella Thorne has announced she is bisexual. Guys upset by this news can seek comfort by logging on to the website “Relax. You Had No” 

KFC has a sunscreen lotion that smells like fried chicken. Can pork-rind scented athletes foot cream be far behind? 

Olympic hero sprinter, Usain Bolt, is under criticism for Instagram posts that show him cheating on his two-year girlfriend. Experts calculate, when he returns to Jamaica, Bolt will shatter all world records in backpedaling. 

“The Bachelorette’s” Jordan Rodger’s ex-girlfriend is bashing him on Instagram. In  more interesting news, my dog Wally’s stools are a little loose, but it could be due to the heat. 

When I talk to my dog, Wally, I fell a lot less crazy than when I talk to myself. It is the difference between the woman in the store who talks to the items she is considering buying versus the woman who thinks the items are talking to her. 

My impeccable high-level New York banking sources who knew people who knew people involved in dealings with Donald Trump, could neither disparage nor despise Trump more. (And no shrinking violets these people. They have egos the size of their penthouses and Hampton homes) Trump's pompousness, egomania and rudeness were impossible to exaggerate. 

(Again, this is not political, this is about their personalities) 

These same unimpeachable sources are the ones who have related stories of what an utterly irascible and mean-spirited tool Rudolph Giuliani is. Giuliani's one great joy in life is verbally eviscerating underlings with that lisping, annoying underbite of his that always sounds like he has stuffed his smug face with a fresh mouth full of crackers. 

Good deeds at 9/11 aside, bald Rudy is righteous crap. 

Disturbed "The Sound Of Silence" 03/28/16

Man, I knew Kevin Pollak was talented, but I had no idea . . .
"Pain is temporarily. Pride is forever."

- Ryan Lochte

Olympic swimming star, Katie Ledecky, threw out the first pitch at the Baltimore Orioles game. She went in on to pitch a no-hitter and hit 3-for-5 with a home run. Which was really amazing considering the AL uses the designated hitter.

Today is National Waffle Day. I want a waffle. Or maybe I don’t. No, I want a waffle. Or three. No, they have too much gluten. I don’t care, I want a waffle. No waffles. 

Melania Trump is suing a British newspaper for defamation. When asked to comment, Melania said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” 

KFC has a sunscreen lotion that smells like fried chicken. It is perfect for people who don’t want have a literal red neck, but don’t want to give up that white trash image altogether. 

Would have loved to be in that meeting. “How many vote the gravy-scented panties? OK, how about the mash potato deodorant? The fried chicken sunscreen? Fried chicken sunscreen it is. Are you sure you don’t want the gravy panties? ”  

In the Hamptons, Leonardo DiCaprio was in a fender-bender with his girlfriend, Nina Agdal. Not only are they fine, but even after their accident, there is a 100% chance they had a better day than we did. 

Leonardo said he was fine and that he and his super model girlfriend were going to go home and have their usual bath in Chrystal champagne with two other super models. 

Since you asked:

Is there some block you can put on your computer that will screen pictures of people who have face transplants?

Why do people post videos or pictures of a-holes abusing animals on Facebook? They are not going to get caught. All that happens is that I get upset all day from looking at that video. 

Re-watched part of a great documentary called “From the Byrds to the Eagles.” One of the more annoying members of that scene, Van Dyke Parks, waxed unbelievably pompously on the evils of commerce and music from his Laurel Canyon estate. Van Dyke Parks. Even his name is a pretentious pain-in-the-ass. God, he was a tool. 

Like how David Crosby and Stephen Stills - as big a-holes as Stills and Crosby were, Graham Nash and Neil Young were even bigger good guys - sang about Woodstock and going back to the garden while demanding bowls of cocaine backstage like candy and limos outside  their private jets/hotels/dressing rooms running their engines 24-hours-a-day. 

Crosby and Stills took excess into the realm of comedy. All the time giving the Eagles the worst insult imaginable - calling them the Monkees - for wanting to be successful. 

Crosby and Stills. What hypocrites. Whew. That got rid of my poopy tutus.

The new Adidas James Harden shoe looks like the shoe worn by the elephant keeper after he unsuccessfully tried to cure the elephant of constipation with his foot. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Sumpin’ funky ‘bout da funky about to funk-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Matt Lauer just bought Richard Gere’s Hamptons estate for $36.5 mil. Hamster cages included.

There was a 6.2 earthquake in Italy. It was so strong, it shook an Italian man’s hand off an American tourist woman’s ass. 

KFC has a sunscreen that smells like fried chicken. “That is the greatest idea ever,” said sharks.

Donald Trump is courting minority voters by claiming he is not a racist. He likes the blacks. Especially his black. Where is my black?   

Funny words:








































Pinky. (Yes, I said Pinky three times. Deal with my real)

Do you hear that wonderful sound? It is the wonderfulness of Ryan Lochte shutting the hell up.