Saturday, August 13, 2016

Anyone else notice Donald Trump's 'do is one forward sweep away from a Flock of Seagulls?
This just in:

The lone Russian track athlete allowed to compete in Rio, a woman long jumper, Darya Klishina, has been banned due to doping. Klishina was so furious she told the Rio officials to kiss her scrotum. 


What happened to trash compactors? Mr. Coffee? 

How do countries without beaches have beach volleyball teams?

Many foods are just excuses to eat mustard and ketchup. 

People do not think they’re dicks, but when they don’t use their turn signals, they talk on their hand-held phones while driving, pronounce the U in Jaguar, they’re dicks.

So Johnny Depp is a dick too. Whenever someone covertly records and then submits the tape of someone being a dick, that automatically makes them the bigger dick. 

Olympic swimming hands out medals like those fake charity casino nights hand out chips. 

Chris Marlowe is a tool. (You thought I was going to say dick) 

Not sure I could prove this in a court-of-law, but I am almost positive I invented side-pieces, bed-head and booty-calls in the early ’80’s. 

Would much prefer to sustain a good thwacking to the boys rather than watch an entire episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

A bad analogy is a like a monkey in a tutu. 

In Rio, a Russian springboard diver did a back flop and scored zero points. They named the dive the Hope Solo.

The Russian hit the water so hard it knocked some of the steroids right out of her.

Friday was two-time steroid cheat, Alex Rodriguez’s last game as a New York Yankee. Compared to Derek Jeter’s retirement tour, it was the difference between landing on the moon and repairing the bathroom on the International Space Station. 

Following the US’s women’s soccer upset by Sweden, Hope Solo called the Swedish team cowards. I don’t want to say Hope is an ugly American, but Solo then jumped into her gas-guzzling Hummer parked in a fire lane, got on her hand-held cell phone and cut off ten drivers without signaling. 

Since you asked:

Cannot stand the blue track at Rio. It looks like some hick indoor high school track. And no Olympic flame at the track? There is something fundamentally wrong with that. 

In 8th grade I ran 56 in the 400. It took me four years to get down to 52 and then four more more - after two years off with a torn left hamstring and a bad back - to break 50 and that was in a 4 X 400 relay. Breaking 50 in the 400 is big step. But then once you break through that the next step is 46. 

The top guys in the Olympics are cruising to 45’s. That is impressive. 

Awwwww Shecky Ledecky. That girl pulled a Secretariat at Belmont in the 800 Free. 

Stanford is crushing the Olympics with 31 athletes. Second are my UCSB sister schools Berkeley and UCLA with 16 each. (Stanford should have 32 with volleyball star, Carly Wopat) 

Stanford swimming is just killing it with Simone Manuel, Katie “Awwww Shecky” Ledecky and Maya DiRado. Can you imagine being Katie Ledecky’s roommate at Stanford? 

“Where should I put my Taylor Swift poster?”

“Oh, just put it up next to my four gold medals and the one silver medal.” 

Oh, and PS, the Brazilian crowds suck. Very anti-US. Sure, it turns out they were right to boo the classless Hope Solo, but not everyone else.

Was a big fan of the Hope Solo all through here classless tantrum when she was benched for veteran Brianna Scurry, her endless scuffling with coaches, the press and teammates, her DUI and domestic violence arrests. 

She had a crazy dad who was in the mafia and then was homeless. Give her a break, I thought. 

Then she committed moronic social media suicide mocking Brazil and the Zika virus. Even so, lighten up with booing, Brazil, I thought. 

And then Hope done up and pooped the bed by calling Sweden cowards for beating her ass. 

All done, Hope. Hope you go solo. See you. Would not want to be you.

Still in bemused awe at the Ryan Lochte "NBC" interview. His blue hair is the least stupid thing about him. That guy such an idiot it is amazing he can figure out how to use a toilet.  Wally, our goldendoodle, takes poops smarter than Lochte. 

A “Washington Post” article asks rhetorically if Donald Trump has hit rock bottom. No, Trump has not hit rock bottom. 

Trump has passed rock bottom to get nekkid to slather himself with rancid baby seal fat and he has slithered down into the sewers of Rangoon to hump blind orphan alligators. 

The more I listen to Trump the more it becomes clear none of us, no matter how much we hated him, had any idea how much of a daft prick Donald Trump truly is. 

If the republicans have any hopes of saving themselves, they have to cut ties with Trump right now. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

This just in:

After being upset by Sweden, Hope Solo calls Sweden cowards. As a result, Hope Solo has been named a Donald Trump Public Relations Aide.
Ryan Lochte said he wants to take a mental break. Listening to him talk, that shouldn’t be a problem. 

Michael Phelps smokes pot and eats 10,000 calories a day. So the only difference between Phelps and T. J. Miller are 22 lousy gold medals.  

Simone Manuel became the first African American woman to win a gold medal in Olympic swimming. “Ground breaking” said Michelle Obama. “Historic” said Oprah. “I want to see her birth certificate,” said Donald Trump. 

The cover of “Time” features a drawing of a melting Donald Trump and the word “Meltdown.” How bad is it? People in Chipotle are making Donald Trump jokes.

JetBlue is reporting 24 people had to be hospitalized following turbulence on their flight from Boston to Sacramento. The rest of the 140 passengers were charged a $100 Hospital Avoidance Fee. 

Donald Trump repeatedly accused President Obama of founding ISIS. Then he said he was being sarcastic, now he says he is serious again. Even a door can only come unhinged once. 

Donald Trump repeatedly accused President Obama of founding ISIS. Then he said he was being sarcastic, now he says he is serious again. Donald Trump reminds me of that incredibly annoying kid when, as soon as he is about to get tagged, yells “Not it.” 

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Private Joker Do you believe in the Virgin Mary.flv F-Bomb Warnings

Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts and guts is enough, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nobody can explain why they allowed two-time drug cheater, Russia’s Yulia Efimova, back in the Olympics. But then I can’t figure out why they give numbers to the two beach volleyball players.

As much as I love Olympic beach volleyball, I cannot figure out why they issued numbers to a team with two players. Look out  Vice President of the United States and nipples on a bull, there is now something more useless. 

Since you asked:

When we were about 12, my friends, Howie Detmer and Duncan Judson and I, would invent sports. Floor hockey but with ping pong mixed in. Soccer but with darts and jumping rope and a frisbee throw added. Basketball but on bikes. 

What the Olympics needs to stay away from events that look like they were invented by a bored-silly prepubescent Howie, Duncan and Alex. 

Whitewater kayaking kinda looks like that. Synchronized diving looks like that. Ping pong and badminton and BMX look like that. Synchronized swimming and rhythm gymnastics and handball definitely look like that. 

The Rolling Stones - All Down The Line (Live) - OFFICIAL

For my money, the Rolling Stones at their absolute zenith.

This is beach legend Kent Steffes before some genius came up with the idea to number the player one or two. How they were able to tell them apart, I have no clue. And a maggie rocks. Shaka brah. 

Donald Trump continues to insist President Obama founded ISIS. Of course Trump thinks ISIS stands for Immigrants Sneaking Into States. 

After a lot of publicity, neither Snoop Dogg nor Puff Daddy’s sons, Cordell Broadus and Justin Combs,  made the UCLA football team. When it came to playing football, they put the rap in crap.

A man was arrested for climbing Trump Tower with suction cups. He got the idea from seeing how much Trump’s campaign sucks.

At the Rio Olympics, the athletes have been dolled out five condoms a day. And already the sprinters and beach volleyball players are borrowing from the badminton and ping pong teams. 

Two Wisconsin canoers found a man’s prosthetic leg in a beaver dam. When the man missing the leg found out the beavers had stolen it, he was hopping mad. 

He was glad to get the leg back, he had named it and everything: Eileen. 

When asked why beavers would take his leg, the man was stumped.

When the man’s leg went missing he knew there was trouble afoot. 

"The New York Post" headline screamed: "Sham Gam In a Dam." 

Just because the man had one leg did not mean he was pegged as a pirate. Mooooooooooon riverrrrrrrrrrrrr, wider than a miiiiiiile.

Since you asked:

Cannot get enough of beach volleyball. 

Unlike other sports, I can watch even without a US team playing. And way not? It is so pure. A ball, two great athletes a side, a net and boundaries. Add rock, dancers, booze. What is not to like? 

And they even wear numbers. One and two.  (Get a program, you can't tell the players without one) 

Got a glimpse inside the world of pro beach volleyball in the naissance in the ’80's from my friends from UCSB who are from Newport Beach, Irvine and Laguna. It is an insanely tasty, intoxicating, sexy and cozy world. These players are mostly from wealthy families, they are handsome dudes, great athletes and they live in a luxury beach cocoon where their egos are allowed to grow virtually unchecked. And they do.

Throw in shots of  tequila and a lot of ’80’s blow and pre-AIDS bar bathroom sex with gorgeous female fans and these guys were the beach town equivalent of rock stars. Really vapid rock stars. 

To say it is not a haven of deep thinkers is an understatement. But it is fun. 

They made decent cash, they drove a nice car, lived in a nice apartment in Manhattan beach and never had to pay for meals or beers at the vast local bar scene. Little beach bunny groupies were a real thing. 

Names like Sinjin Smith and Randy Stoklos, Kent Steffes and world-class dick, Tim Hovland are the beach volleyball Mount Rushmore in Manhattan Beach. From Santa Barbara to La Jolla for that matter. They took the sport from a means to chase bikini babes and drink free beer into legitimate professionalism. 

Picture a tan, muscular broheim dude with a 'tude, cocky beyond belief, getting “stoked” and scarfing some killer gauc and chips with some frosty brewskis and maggies rocks, driving beemers and their life is good, brah. Geevum.   

They are number one. Or number two. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Total Class Act. Rest In Peace John Saunders

Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Turns out Sun Yang is Chinese for Grinch Smile
Tim Tebow wants to try out for Major League Baseball. If he does, he could become the first player in baseball history to throw an interception that is returned for a touchdown. 

More republicans are defecting from Donald Trump. Trump is starting to resemble that guy at the high school reunion who won’t stop trying to sell life insurance.

Since you asked:

Here is the thing that is hard to grasp about Donald Trump: Most of his really stupid statements are, believe it or not, his attempts at humor.

You have to imagine the most humorless, egomaniacal, smug dick you can, and now surround him with shameless ass kissers who  are paid to laugh at the horrible things he says. That has created a special monster that says offensive things and genuinely thinks they are funny.

Trump’s line about Megyn Kelly bleeding from wherever.

That, if she wasn’t his daughter, Trump would be dating Ivanka.

Trump mocking a disabled reporter.

Kicking a crying baby out of a speech.

On punching Michael Bloomberg so hard he would not know what hit him. 

Russia should attempt to hack Hillary's emails. 

Maybe Mrs Khan isn't allowed to speak?

And now suggesting a second amendment fanatic shoot Hillary Clinton.

As hard as it might be to comprehend, these are Trump’s attempts at cracking jokes. Imagine if Joseph Stalin decided to take a shot at stand up comedy. 

That’s Trump.

If the sexism, the racism, the ignorance and arrogance don't stop you, at the least you cannot look past at how amazingly unfunny Donald Trump is. 

That should be a deal-killer for everyone. 

Who did Phelps pay to pee in his Cornflakes? 

"It's a good thing Ryan Murphy is a good swimmer because he can't draw for shit."

- Rob Huebel

At Rio, Ryan Murphy won gold in the men’s 100 backstroke continuing the US’s domination 6th-straight gold in the backstroke. Why are Americans so dominant in the backstroke? Because we invented swimming while balancing a beer on our chest.

Monday, August 08, 2016

In his Detroit speech, Donald Trump accidentally said titties instead of cities. That’s nothing. You should have heard what he said to the Lions instead of punt. 

50 former top GOP national security experts signed a letter saying Donald Trump would put our nation’s security at risk. Or as Trump calls them, “50 unemployed losers.” 

In Rio, the US women’s volleyball team won a narrow victory over the Netherlands 3-2. On the bright side, they also beat the Dutch and Holland.  

A CNN poll now has Donald Trump behind Hillary Clinton by 49% to 39%. Right now Trump’s advisors are telling Trump, no matter how much he wants to, not to say how much he likes to come from behind on a woman. 

In Rio the US beach volleyball team of Patterson/Gibbs were upset by Austria. It was awkward when they asked Donald Trump why Austria was so good at beach volleyball, he said they learned to jump from the kangaroos. 

More republicans, including Maine senator Susan Collins, are defecting Donald Trump. Trump is starting to look like that one jerk who wanted to vote out Gene Hackman as the coach of “Hoosiers.” 

Two time drug cheating Russian swimmer, Yulia Efimova, lost to USA’s Emily King in the 100 breaststroke. Efimova was so upset by the loss, she told the press to kiss her testicles. 

Efimova was so used to cheating, she was hoping to Efimova one more time. 

Tonight in Rio featured men’s synchronized diving. That’s great, but I prefer more masculine sports like Men’s Tandem Flower Arranging or Men’s Two Man Cupcake Designing.  

Two guys in spandex briefs doing choreographed diving. Even Johnny Weir is saying, “Guys, can we macho it up it up a little?” 

Since you asked:

At the Rio Olympics, the two-person beach volley ball teams have numbers on their jerseys. 1 or 2. This raises more questions than it answers.

Do they have programs because you can’t tell the players without a program? 

Will doubles teams in tennis start to demand getting numbers? 

What if a #1 gets his number retired? Do they bring in a #3?

Has a player traded to a team ever had to buy their number if someone has it? “How much for #2?” 

Do the #2’s try harder? (Old Avis reference) 

Is 1 the loneliest number? 

And the most important question: why the hell do they number a team with just two players? 

At the Rio Olympics, for the second time, a boxer was arrested at the Olympic Village for sexually assaulting a Brazilian maid. Apparently the boxers did not understand when a maid asked to turn down the bed.

The Philippines is considering a ban of Donald Trump. Actually the Philippines had a choice between banning the Zika virus and Donald Trump. 

Neil Young - Words (Between the Lines of Age) ( Harvest )

When Neil recorded "Harvest," he divided his time between the studio on Sunset Blvd. and recording in his barn on his ranch in Topanga Canyon. When they mixed it, Neil would yell, "More barn." This song has a lot of barn. 

Sunday, August 07, 2016

It is awww shucky-ducky up in this haz giz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in:

At a New York Yankee press conference, an emotional Alex Rodriguez announced his retirement. Sadly, one of his tears ran off the stage and then tested positive for steroids.

After the Russian team was banned for doping, swimmer, Yulia Efimova, a two-time cheater, was allowed to compete in Rio. Yulia was so excited when she swam, she could barely contain her erection.  

Donald Trump is giving a speech tonight on how to fix the economy. When I watch the speech, I am going wear a Trump shirt, grill a Trump steak, have a Trump glass of vodka while placing a bet at a Trump casino. Oh, wait, I can’t, they all went out of business. 

Russian swimmer, Yulia Efimova, a two-time drug cheater, was reinstated to the Rio Olympics. Not sure that is fair. The last time Yulia peed into a cup, she broke the cup.

Russian swimmer, Yulia Efimova, a two-time drug cheater, was reinstated to the Rio Olympics. Not sure that is fair. The last time Yulia peed into a cup, the cup dissolved.  

In New York, two time drug-cheat, Alex Rodriguez, announced his retirement at a Yankee press conference. As emotional moments go, it ranks somewhere between a Flo Progressive Insurance commercial and a wet burp. 

Rodriguez will stay with the Yankees until he can officially land the job of Russian Olympic Training Aid Consultant. 

The difference between Derek Jeter’s retirement and two-time drug cheat Rodriguez’s retirement is the difference between landing on the moon and repairing the bathroom on the space station. 

Since you asked:

While watching the Olympics, I can’t shake a bitter sweet feeling that the international sports contest is officially over. 

And we, the US, won. 

In gymnastics, China, Romania, and the ultimate powerhouse, Russia, have all had their moments, but those moments have faded badly. The once powerful Romanian women’s gymnastics now has one competitor forced out of retirement. 

When the US started winning sports we didn't really care that much about, like cycling (albeit cheating) and soccer, it was the beginning of the end. 

This is not only an indication of the weakening of the global economy, it is also an indication of the shift of the globe’s economic priorities. After spending $50 billion on the Sochi games, Russia’s sports program is broke. They had to cheat with drugs if they wanted to stay competitive with the US.

Great coaches pop up in various sports all over the world, but eventually they end up in the US where the money is. 

The only sports still hanging on in other countries are the sports where the passion for those sports far exceeds the US:  Soccer, ping pong, cycling, rugby, a few track events and cricket. 

Cannot recommend season one the FX series “Fargo”  - based on the Cohen brothers movie of the same name - enough. Season two is good, but season one truly rocks. Largely thanks to a great cast, especially Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman. 

Tom Hanks boy, Colin, does hisself and his daddy proud. But the season was stolen by the unbelievably intriguing, then likable, then lovable, then insanely lovable Allison Tolman as Detective Molly Solverson. 

In fact, Tolman/Solverson is so lovable it almost ruins shows for you because you worry so much about her character. 

Season Two was good and with an almost equally amazing cast, but the end just doesn’t jump the shark, it has inter-shark-like relations with it.  

In Rio, an Olympic kayaker capsized after hitting a floating sofa. Luckily the kayaker did not waken the Brazilian security guard napping on the sofa. 

Russia has been kicked out of the Rio Paralympics because of doping. Cheating at the Paralympics has to rank right up there with… no, cheating at the Paralympics is the worst.

Russia has been kicked out of the Rio Paralympics because of doping. “Wow, cheating at the Paralympics is despicable,” said a man embezzling money from blind orphans.

Donald Trump is polling one percent with black voters, the lowest ever recorded. With black voters that ranks Trump somewhere between Cold Play and polka dancing. 

Since you asked:

When athletes win medals at five Olympics, you have to question the depth of competition in those events. 

Of the top 100 athletes to repeat medals in the Olympics, only three people in track won medals in three Olympics and one of them was Carl Lewis. 

In track, only the top two or three out of nine in a heat advance. In swimming I think I saw an entire heat advance. In a rowing race, only one boat in a race did not advance. And I think that boat hit a couch and sank.

As phenomenal a swimming athlete as Michael Phelps is, he is not nearly as good as an all-around athlete as reigning gold medal decathlete, Ashton Eaton. Yes, Michael can swim like crazy. But Ashton can swim, run, jump, vault and throw. 

At various times, Ashton Eaton has been a world leader in four different track events, the 110 meter high hurdles, the long jump, the 400 meters and the 400 IM hurdles, an event not even in the decathlon. 

Ashton Eaton has one Olympic medal, Michael Phelps has 22. 

After the Russian team was banned for doping, swimmer, Yulia Efimova - a two-time cheater - was allowed to compete in Rio. Not to hammer this too hard, but that would be like letting OJ go play again for the Bills after his "Not guilty" double-murder verdict.