Saturday, August 13, 2016

This just in:

The lone Russian track athlete allowed to compete in Rio, a woman long jumper, Darya Klishina, has been banned due to doping. Klishina was so furious she told the Rio officials to kiss her scrotum. 


What happened to trash compactors? Mr. Coffee? 

How do countries without beaches have beach volleyball teams?

Many foods are just excuses to eat mustard and ketchup. 

People do not think they’re dicks, but when they don’t use their turn signals, they talk on their hand-held phones while driving, pronounce the U in Jaguar, they’re dicks.

So Johnny Depp is a dick too. Whenever someone covertly records and then submits the tape of someone being a dick, that automatically makes them the bigger dick. 

Olympic swimming hands out medals like those fake charity casino nights hand out chips. 

Chris Marlowe is a tool. (You thought I was going to say dick) 

Not sure I could prove this in a court-of-law, but I am almost positive I invented side-pieces, bed-head and booty-calls in the early ’80’s. 

Would much prefer to sustain a good thwacking to the boys rather than watch an entire episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

A bad analogy is a like a monkey in a tutu.