Saturday, April 23, 2016

Looking glass - Brandi you're a fine girl

Conan-The Slipnuts

Looking Glass and The Slipnuts, the forefathers of Crap. 
After just passing on Thursday, Prince’s body was cremated today. Normally you can’t get cremated that fast unless you’re playing for the Lakers. 

Too soon? Too soon. 

Since you asked:

With the tragic passing of Prince and all of his considerable musical talent, it has now occurred to me we may want to stop trying to reinvent the wheel. After rap, hip-hop, punk, ska, reggae, heavy metal and (shudder) disco, there really is only one more musical genre to explore:


We need to create a music scene with the worst music ever. “Up With People” bad. Looking Glass's "Brandi You're a Fine Girl," bad. 

Only intentionally. 

Each song has to to be way too loud and then way too quiet and then both. All songs will be written in the key of Chaos. The lyrics really corny and then really rude. The lyrics can neither rhyme nor make any sense. The instruments have to be played out of tune and with no regard for what the other musicians are doing. 

Rule Number One of Crap: There are no rules.

Rule Number Two of Crap: No Outside Food.

Rule Number Six of Crap: Any use of these songs without Crap's express written consent is prohibited.

Here is a ditty I call “Wanker’s Redux.” My first foray into Crap. 

Chocolate nachos eat monkeys on my toes
Sitting in a bamboo hammock with rubber dogs
The river of hunker flows upward at the turnip
Stank daddy, stank daddy, stank daddy, stank.

Here is another crap song I call “Colours.” (Note the fancy English spelling)


See how I ended with a thing that is both a colour and a thing? Like Orange. Oh, snap. Why didn’t I have a stanza-line with orange? 

Nobody said creating a new music genre was going to be easy. 

In North Carolina, Cam Newton jumped a fence to play football with school kids. It was going great until Cam fumbled and refused to dive for it and then he would not talk to the press afterwards. 

Do I think Michael Strahan was boning Kelly Ripa? Could an NFL kicker make a field goal between the gap in Strahan's front teeth? 
They polled the porn industry and they are terrified of Ted Cruz getting elected. To be honest, I did not hear anything after, “They polled the porn industry.” 

At the time of his tragic passing, Prince was worth a billion dollars with no heirs. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard or my name isn’t Alex Prince Kaseberg. 

Lindsay Lohan is converting to Islam. Not sure this will last. Lindsay thought the guys doing the call-to-prayer on their knees were snorting coke off the floor. 

They’re going to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 with Harriot Tubman. Just another case of female body shaming. Instead of Tubman, why can’t they call her Harriot Plus-Sized Person? 

Leonardo DiCaprio spoke to the UN on global warming. Then DiCaprio got in his private jet to Greece and took a helicopter to his yacht in the Mediterranean.

The first naked restaurant, Bunyadi, is opening in London. Bunyadi is a Hindi word that means “Waiter, can you wipe off this seat?” 

Pat Boone said the cast of “Saturday Night Live” is going to hell for a skit mocking a Christian baker who would not bake a wedding cake for two gay men. So by hell, “SNL” will have to listen to Pat Boone’s cover of “Stairway to Heaven” for eternity.  

The first naked restaurant, Bunyadi, is opening in London. Who would have thought the English expression Bangers and Mash would describe what was sitting on your seat before you? 

Remember the tiny, drunk Miami doctor, Anjali Ramkissoon, who assaulted an Uber driver on video? She was fired from her hospital today. It was Florida, so she was actually fired for not bringing enough meth to the company picnic. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Chicago Cubs pitcher, Jake Arrieta pitches a no-hitter against the Reds. Best no-hitter since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.

Blackhawks beat the Blues in 2 OT. Craw-daddy was a baddy, but Kaner was insaner. 

Guess who they considered replacing Michael Strahan with on “Live with Kelly and Michael”? Kobe Bryant. Did not work. Kobe could not pass the audition because he can’t pass anything.

Harriott Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20. When informed an abolitionist would appear on the $20, Donald Trump asked, “Why put someone from Abolitiona on our money? We should put an American on it.” 

When informed an abolitionist would appear on the $20, Sarah Palin asked, “Are abolitionists the ones who wear the turbans or the scarves?” 

A True Prince

How rare is it when god reaches down and kisses someone with the five gifts of singing, playing, writing, recording and performing. Each one is their own art form. The five-tool club, like in baseball, is elite: Springsteen, Hendrix, Elton, Bowie. 

But it is possible to argue nobody had more of all five of those gifts than David Bowie or Prince. (Did Michael Jackson play an instrument?  My favorite artist, Clapton, is electrifying on guitar and singing, but a gifted performer? Jagger is a talented harmonica player but not in the league of Stevie Wonder, Junior Wells or Little Walter. Love Keith Richards. But singing? Sinatra did not compose nor play an instrument. Neither did Elvis (strumming a guitar does not count) nor Janis) 

Not to be swept away with the tide of mourning, was Prince one of my all-time favorites like the Stones, Clapton, the Beatles, Hendrix, the Who,  Junior Wells, Led Zeppelin, Little Walter, the Allman Brothers,  Crosby, Stills and Nash and the Eagles? No. Maybe because he was my age. 

Yes, I liked his hit songs as much as anyone, but they were pop/ dance tunes and he did a lot of silly image stuff. The whispering, the pimp outfits, the Manson-like groupies. And especially - although now we know the noble contractual reason behind it - the unpronounceable symbol was way up there in space cadet land. 

No matter how gifted, when artists wear wild costumes and have giant dance routines and theatrics, like Michael Jackson, Kiss and Madonna, it undercuts their rock and roll credibility. But in our dinner game of Legends/Great/Everyone else, I always had Prince as a legend. Because he was a legend. His pure talent was a head above everyone else. I.e. legendary.

If there is one rub on Prince's music, it is he never had a huge hit "Layla", "Hotel California," "Jumping Jack Flash," "Help." "Purple Rain" was great, but it wasn't even the best song with the word purple in it. "Purple Haze." And yet just about all of Prince's songs were hits to a fairly good extent. And also hits for other people, Sinead O'Connor, Stevie Nicks and the Bangles just to name three. 

What makes Prince so amazing his is refusal to fall into any category.  Pop? Rock? Funk? Dance? R&B? Psychedelia?  

No. He was Prince.

It is heartwarming to see how much we love our performers and are so deeply moved when they pass. It gives me solace to know the artists knew, when they died, their music would live on.  

So far, the details of the reasons for Prince’s passing are not worthy of his ethereal talents and accomplishments. 

It is striking to me how many legendary performers had countless millions of loving fans and yet almost no close friends to save them from themselves. Elvis, Jimi, Marilyn Monroe, Cobain, Jim Morrison, Janis, Michael and Amy Winehouse. 

Of Johnny Carson it was said he was only truly happy and comfortable in front of millions of people. In front of ten people, he was utterly miserable. 

Now, according to recent accounts, we can describe Prince like that. 

But unlike the other tragic casualties, there is no reason to feel sorry for Prince. Yes, he passed way too soon. However, Prince, like Sinatra sang,  truly did it his way. And he will be loved through his music forever. 

Elvis was the King. And Prince was aptly named. 

"Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince;

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

(Shakespeare, "Hamlet." Act 5, scene 2)

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Prince, Tom Petty, Steve Winwood, Jeff Lynne and others -- "While My Gui...

Had no idea Prince had Jimi-like chops. RIP

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Clearing Sinuses - The Odd Couple (6/8) Movie CLIP (1968) HD

I just sneezed and it sounded exactly like this.
Johnny Manziel has been dumped by his agent.  This officially makes Manziel the most disappointing Heisman Trophy winner who has not murdered two people.

Former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, has endorsed Donald Trump. Trump is a big admirer of Giuliani and all the things he did for New Yorkers on 7/11.

In a “Vogue” interview, Taylor Swift said the one thing she has to have in her refrigerator is hummus. Rich celebrities can be so disappointing. How is it not Unicorn liver pâté? 

In a rally in Buffalo, Donald Trump misspoke and referred to the terror attacks of 9/11 as 7/11. Give Trump a break. It’s not like he claims to be smart and good with numbers. 

The state of Utah has ceremonially declared pornography a public health crisis. This is pretty ironic considering this is a state with a town called Beaver. 

Monday, April 18, 2016

In a rally in Buffalo, Donald Trump misspoke and referred to the terror attacks of 9/11 as 7/11. Asked to comment, Trump said, “I am just trying to give information, you know like the kids say, the 911.”

In Minnesota, a woman was arrested in McDonalds for masturbating with a Happy Meal toy. Apparently they gave her the Happy Ending Meal by mistake.

In Minnesota, a woman was arrested for masturbating with a Happy Meal toy in McDonalds. Apparently they gave her the Really Happy Meal by mistake. 

To be candid, it has only been a few days, but I am already worried about Kobe Bryant’s retirement. He hasn’t been able to pass the time.

Inky the octopus escaped from the National Aquarium of New Zealand. They found the tunnel he dug hidden behind his Raquel Welch poster. 

Stir it up, little darling, stir it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump continues to lose delegates to Ted Cruz because he does not understand how the delegate system works. Trump blames the RNC which is like dropping a ball in the outfield and blaming the umpires. 

The Boston Marathon was swept by three Ethiopians. “This is a shocking, shocking upset,” said three Kenyans. 

At an event in Buffalo, Bills coach, Rex Ryan, will introduce Donald Trump. One is a loud, obnoxious, egomaniacal attention whore and the other one is, actually they both are. 

They're holding the event outdoors so the venue can accommodate both Ryan and Trump's egos. 

John Legend and Chrissy Teigen had a baby girl named Luna. No word yet on when the child will begin therapy for thinking she’s a disappointment. 

It rained so hard in Houston, the 5-8 Houston Astros had a game rained out and still somehow lost it. 

A video shows the younger Boston bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, calmly shopping for milk 23 minutes after the attack. Hope he got the kind of milk that has Preparation H in it, because he’ll need it in prison right up until his death sentence. 

The video clearly shows Tsarnaev is insane. He was shopping at Whole Foods and he isn't rich. 

Sunday, April 17, 2016

It’s official, Boaty McBoatface won the poll to name the British polar research ship. They won’t use the name Boaty McBoatface, but since the ship is built for frigid conditions, they may call it the Hillary Clinton. 

In Minnesota, a woman was arrested for masturbating with a Happy Meal toy in McDonalds. “How much do you want for this story?” Asked Florida. 

Trader Joe’s is no longer the top rated grocery store. “So the top one now is Whole Foods, right?” Asked the richest and whitest people in the history of the US. 

The Chicago Cubs are in first place. I’ll also take “Trump is being so modest,” and “The Kardashians are so classy,” as the three sentences you hardly ever get to say. 

A photographer claims he caught two male African lions engaging in homosexual behavior. Prior to this there were only three known gay male lions: the Hanna-Barbera cartoon lion Snagglepuss, Scar from “Lion King.” and the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of OZ.”

A photographer claims he caught two male African lions engaging in homosexual behavior. Apparently they were viciously gossiping about their so-called friend, Terrance. 

A “Washington Post” study claims 20% of lawyers have a serious drinking problem. Why is anyone surprised? These are people who have to take a bar exam. 

Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, was asked about quantum computing and answered it impeccably. When Donald Trump was asked about quantum computing, he said, “Never heard of that company, Quantum. They’re losers.” 

A “Washington Post study claims 20% of lawyers have a serious drinking problem. In a related story, the “Washington Post” has just been sued for slander by 100 drunk lawyers.

Due to the earthquakes in Asia and Ecuador, scientists are saying we may be facing a giant mega-quake. Because global warming, terrorism and possibly legally insane presidential candidates don’t give us enough to worry about.