Saturday, October 24, 2015

The World Series will be the Kansas City Royals versus the New York Mets. Iconic World Series have nicknames, like the Mets and the Yankees was the Subway Series. Or the Dodgers and the Angels was the Freeway Series. The Royals and the Mets will be the Hicks versus the Dicks.

A new poll shows Donald Trump trailing Dr. Ben Carson in Iowa. But Trump feels this is a setback he can overcomb. 

The movie “Steven Jobs” opened poorly on Friday. And why wouldn’t it? People assume it will open better as “Steven Jobs 2S” in a few months. 

Although his prognosis is fairly good, it turns out Lamar Odom suffered a dozen mini-strokes. Without speech therapy, they’re afraid he could end up almost Kim Kardashian-like. 

Since you asked:

Was the joke on the Hicks Versus Dicks World Series too mean? 


First of all, I have nothing against Kansas City. The people in KC seem wonderful and not at all hicks. In fact, they seem  Chicago-like, the highest compliment I can give a city. It's just I needed a foil, and Kansas City is a long way - in every way - from New York. 

And yes - besides my friends Jooch and Fideen - it is my firm belief New York Mets fans are world-class dicks.

Mets fans are mostly not real New Yorkers. They are from Flushing Meadows and the surrounding piss-hole areas. 

New Yorkers are great. New Yorkers are Giants and Yankee fans. Mets fans and Jets fans are mostly drunk, fat, ugly slobs with giant chips on their shoulders

The classy baseball fans in New York either left with the Brooklyn Dodgers or stuck with the New York Yankees. Mets fans are faithless, classless douche-bags nobody else wanted. Their color of choice is electric orange, for chrissakes. Their name is the Mets. It is short for Metropolitans which isn't a real thing.

Just saw my litigant’s show, “Serious Jibber Jabber” with Evan Thomas on Nixon and it was great. Evan Thomas is an impressive guy. 

But I would like to toss out a theory on Richard M. Nixon they did not touch on. 

My belief is Richard Nixon was a deeply closeted, self-loathing homosexual cut out of the exact same cloth as FBI director, J. Edgar Hoover. They, J. Edgar and Nixon, share far too many characteristics: brilliant politicians, paranoid, vindictive, incredible back door scheming ability, wild insecurities, hatred of popular playboy types like the Kennedy’s and a love of show tunes and fashion. They share far too many characteristics not to share the biggest characteristic. 

Both had their handsome, stylish and foppish boyfriends hidden in plain sight, J. Edgar with Clyde Tolson and Nixon with Charles “Bebe” Rebozo. 

Hell, Nixon and Rebozo admitted to sunbathing naked on Rebozo’s yacht while drinking martinis and singing show tunes. What further proof is needed? 

It goes without saying there is nothing wrong with being gay, and, thankfully, things have improved for gay politicians.

But back in Nixon and Hoover's time, there was no option for coming out of the closet. Not that I am a psychiatrist, but I believe this is what brought on the self-loathing and with it some of the darker traits of Nixon and Hoover. 

And maybe some of their more brilliant traits as well.

Friday, October 23, 2015

A study in “Current Biology” claims the male Howler monkeys that scream the loudest have the smallest testicles. This explains so much about Donald Trump.

Jeb Bush has been forced to reduce his staff and cut the costs of his campaign. In fact, if Bush cut back any further, he’d be a Brazilian.

Two of the Love Ranch prostitutes involved in the Lamar Odom incident, Ryder Cherrie and Monica Monroe, are on suspension. Which is fine with them, they need time to study for medical school midterms.

Mexico is bracing for a category 5 hurricane, Patricia, with winds over 200 mph. Hurricane Patricia is so scary, they are thinking of flying overhead and salting it with Midol. (Sexist joke not approved by a.L.B.b.)

Lincoln Chafee dropped out of the presidential race on Friday. It’s sad, even the comedians aren’t sorry he is dropping out. 

Chafee said; “I have been campaigning on a platform of prosperity through peace, but it is time to end my candidacy.” To which the man replied; “Fine, Sir, but what would you like to order here at Starbucks?” 

Commercial - Budweiser - Farting horse (this is funny)

Moody Blues - Nights in White Satin Lyrics

I’m all about dat whip, about dat whip, no nae-nae, I’m all about dat whip, about dat whip, no nae-nae, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new Iowa poll shows Dr. Ben Carson ahead of Donald Trump. The Coma is ahead of the Combover. 

Instagram has created a new app that creates one-second videos. They even have a name for this new and amazing invention: Pictures.

According to a new study, marijuana use in the United States has doubled. And not only that, but marijuana use in the US has doubled. 

The Chinese Communist Party has banned golf, excessive drinking and adultery. In a related story, the plans for the Tiger Woods Beijing Country Club have been cancelled.

According to a new study, marijuana use in the United States had doubled. Not only that, but marijuana use in the US has gone up twice.

On ESPN’s “Monday Night Live Countdown”, announcer, Mike Ditka, appeared to loudly break wind. Not surprising. Ditka is a Polish term for Farts like an old Bear.  

During the Benghazi hearing they told Hillary Clinton she could wait and read her notes and she said; “I can do more than one thing at a time.” And then she had neglected to turn on her mic. Hillary is to technology what Bill Clinton is to celibacy. 

And finally:

A study says the human hand has evolved over time to become the perfect shape to make a fist for more efficient punching. Punching. Oh, so that’s why women can also make a fist. 

Thursday, October 22, 2015

In a surprise, Joe Biden announced he will not run in 2016. If you look at the video, you can see Joe blinking out “Help, Hillary will kill me” in morse code.

A group of astronomers is looking for an alien signal coming from a distant star in the Northern Hemisphere. The signal is a little rough, but they think it says; “Watch me whip, watch me nae-nae.”

Anyone want to buy a “World Series Winning Chicago Cub Fans For Joe Biden For President” t-shirt?

UFC star, Ronda Rousey has a boyfriend. All we know is he is UFC heavyweight Travis Browne, and he is probably concussed.

New England Patriot QB, Tom Brady, said he wants to play for ten more years. Many experts feel that prediction is inflated. 

The Chicago Cubs were swept by the New York Mets and will not win the 2015 World Series like the movie “Back to the Future” predicted in 1985. But at least the movie was right about Crispin Glover having a long and successful movie career. 

A group of astronomers is looking for an alien signal coming from a distant star in the Northern Hemisphere. The signal is a little rough, but they think it says; “Bet everything on the Cubs.” 

Today, Donald Trump vowed to build a wall in space to block the alien signal. 

Since you asked:

It seems that each and every day I am inventing new and exciting ways not to get paid. Now this beloved blog is offered on a cell phone app in  . . .  Russia. That's right, I have gone Boris Spassky on your asses. 

You wanted to talk about the Chicago Cubs, so let’s do it.

Great season, third best record in baseball, great young players and the trifecta:  best manager, general manager and owner in baseball. So much to be excited for down the road. 

They just ran into a buzz-saw of young arms - and one amazing old one in Colon - that are on fire. And Murphy and Duda can’t stop leaving the yard. 

Great team, the Mets, with the world’s worst fans. Remember, these are the loud, ugly schumucks who, at the start of the season, took out a full-page ad to fire Mets GM Sandy Alderson and the nice old guy manager, Terry Collins. And that ugly, classless family of loudmouth jerks on the wall at Wrigley Field screaming "Let's go, Mets."

Love how the classy Cubs fans stuck around to cheer their team and manager. Great thing to do.

Oh, and you're welcome Cait. My jokes poo-pooing your show, "I Am Cait" and weak ratings just got you renewed for another year. You're welcome. The show must be cheaper than a case of wine and box of rouge to produce.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

*There are three streets in the US - two in Texas, one in Tennessee - still named after Bruce Jenner. The towns are not changing the name of the streets to Caitlyn Jenner - too expensive - but they might change which way the streets go. 

*Early this year, in January, a Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers on board. And yet they still can’t figure out how the overhead compartments were full. 

The ratings for Caitlyn Jenner’s "E" show “I am Cait” are bad. The rating are worse than Guy Fieri’s show. This marks the first time anyone has ever said the words: “Worse than Guy Fieri.” 

Vice President Joe Biden has announced he will not seek election in 2016. Today will forever be known in comedy circles as Black Wednesday. 

(Mark my words: every single talk show tonight will have a joke about their writers being depressed about Joe Biden not running in 2016. Every single one) 

On the sweet side of a tough story, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian are calling off the divorce. Like the Kardashians always say: Love and the possibility of an “E” spin-off will prevail.

Joe Biden has announced he will not seek election in 2016. Asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said; “Oh, that’s too (chortle) bad. Joe would have added (choke) great substance and perspective to (snort) the tone and narrative of this campaign.” (Guffaw) 

The trailer for the new “Star Wars” movie debuted on “Monday Night Football.” The Star Wars fans looked at the football players and asked; “Why are they dressed like Zobort Commandos from the planet Mynarf?” 

Jeb Bush’s campaign is running a contest where the winner gets to meet Jeb, his brother and his father. They might want to re-think the contest name, though: “Bush Fest 2015.”

Happy 35th birthday, Kim Kardashian yesterday. Kim is at that awkward age, too old to start a career she doesn’t want and too stupid to write her memoirs.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver, Percy Harvins, will not travel to London to play the Jacksonville Jaguars for undisclosed personal reasons. Harvins would not elaborate other than to say he finds those Brit wankers to be dodgy and he hopes they que-up to sod off.

Next season will be the 14th and last season of “Myth Busters.” Finally they will solve the three greatest mysteries: Trump’s hair, Hillary’s laugh and Bill Cosby’s marriage. 

Joe Biden announced he will not run in 2016. Hillary Clinton declined to comment as she was engaged in a prolonged aerobic dance that is in no way connected to Joe Biden’s statement. 

Hillary is so ecstatic there is an outside possibility Bill might get laid. 

The ratings for Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait” are bad. The “E” producers are desperate. “Malibu car crash? Check. Kris Jenner divorce? Check. Sex change announcement? Check. Cait, baby, three words: Punch the Pope. Just think about it.” 

I don't want to say the producers of "I Am Cait" are desperate, but there is a rumor they are going to leak a video of Caitlyn stealing a piece of pizza from a subway rat.

Since you asked:

One of the countless reasons I miss my mom is I really loved her opinion on politics. Yes, she was a life long Kennedy democrat, but she was mostly smart and wildly great judge of character. For example, mom had to be sold on Bill Clinton by a fellow democrat she admired because he was their only chance. My mother did not like Bill Clinton’s character at all. 

This was long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Would love to know what my mom thinks about Hillary Clinton. My feeling is she would not like her.  But she would vote for her. 

Like me, my mother would believe we need a woman president, just not necessarily that woman. My mother did not like women who were vicious to other women to get what they wanted. 

But my mother was practical enough to consider voting for Hillary if it kept somebody like Donald Trump out of the office. 

Amy Schumer is getting some strong doses on the upside and downside of fame. On the one hand, the movie she was paid $300,000 to star in, “Trainwreck” made $138 million and she is being paid $8 million to star in the sequel. 

On the other hand, the paparazzi hyenas were drooling for her at the airport to nail her about allegedly stealing jokes from a dead, black comedian, Patrice O’Neal which I believe she did not. The bits are well-worn standards about iconic sex act joke names. That is like a black comedian being told he stole jokes from Richard Pryor because he used the N-word. 

Now the Wendy Liebman joke about being old fashioned about men on the first date paying  . . . for sex? 

That’s a horse of a different color. 

*Why do famous comedians steal jokes? Because they can. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

A high school student hacked the head of the CIA, John Brennan’s,  AOL email account. But luckily for Brennan, the kid stayed away from his fax machine and his beeper.

Did you catch that, folks? The guy in charge of our international security has an AOL email. Sleep well.

The Southwest is going to get hit with serious rain. But we Californians are experiencing weather challenges too. Last night, the temperature got so low, I seriously thought of turning off my ceiling fan.

Donald Trump claims his policies would have prevented the 9/11 attacks. This from a guy whose vodka company went out of business. The only thing easier to sell than vodka is crack. 

Jim Webb is dropping out of the democratic presidential race. He informed all of his followers at their weekly meeting at their corner booth in Applebee’s. 

Webb may re-enter the race as in independent, he has to check with his followers. Both of them. 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has vowed to put her e-mail scandal behind her and be more humorous and spontaneous. In fact, she is changing her slogan from “Hillary for America” to “Watch Hillary Whip, Watch Hillary Nae-Nae.” 

In fact, by this time next week, Hillary plans to be 25% more humorous and 35% more spontaneous. 

According to a study, more gay Americans are coming out on Facebook. So many gay people are coming out, Facebook will introduce two new functions, the “Like Fiercely” and the "Bitch, Please" buttons. 

University of Louisville basketball recruits say they were entertained by escorts. It brought new meaning to working on their hook shots. 

The owner of the Love Ranch brothel where Lamar Odom fell ill, Dennis Hof, says he will not pay the prostitutes the $75,000 Odom paid because of their possible cocaine use. It certainly is refreshing to see a pimp with such high and strong moral fiber. 

Jeb Bush’s campaign is running a contest where the winner gets to meet Jeb, his brother and his father. They might want to re-think the contest's name, though: “Bush Fest 2015.”

Since you asked:

In my humble opinion - that and a token will get you on the NYC Subway in 1986 - Amy Schumer did not take jokes from Patrice O’Neal. O’Neal did not have domain over the Abraham Lincoln/sex-act/joke or the Houdini. The comedy part is commenting on them and Amy made that her own. And funny. 

There is another female comedian who does a bit on those iconic sex acts as well. (Can’t think of her name right now. She mentions the Houdini only calls it the Poltergeist and then comes up with female sex act names. Liz Mieli. Just remembered her name)

On the other hand, I do think Amy Schumer lifted Wendy Liebman’s; “I’m old fashioned. I think a man should pay on the first date . . . for sex.” That was not only practically word for word, the timing is extremely similar.  

But that is between Amy and Wendy.

The premise of any joke is fair game to be used by anyone. It is public domain. It is the punch line that makes a joke the creator’s. Unless you're telling a specific and personal story. Than the whole thing is yours. 

Just when Khloe Kardashian has everyone’s sympathy over the awful thing that happened to Lamar Odom - a guy everybody seems to like - she gets in a pissing contest over publicity with the sleazy pimp at the whore house. If there are two things Kardashians can never get in a pissing contest about, it is money and publicity. 

What happened to Lamar is about as far as it gets from jumping on a grenade to save your fellow solder’s life, but it is still sad. 

As with Keith Richards when he fell out of the coconut tree, the press gets celebrity injuries way wrong always making them more grievous. Why? Because it sells better. 

Let’s hope that is the case with Lamar Odom. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Double amputee sprinter and girlfriend murderer, Oscar Pistorius, has been released to house arrest with an ankle monitor. Does anyone else see the flaw in this arrangement? 

Republican front-runners, Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson, are requesting Secret Service agents. The Secret Service has already picked out Carson and Trump's codenames: the Coma and the Combover. 

One of the Las Vegas hookers hired by Lamar Odom, Bunny Lain, has gone missing. Police have issued an APB.  Absent Prostitute Beckoned. 

Of course, Bunny Lain is not her real name. Her real name is Doctor Bunny Lain. 

During their 34-27 loss to the Patriots, the Colts ran a horrible fake punt. That was the stupidest play I have ever seen and I once played in the Kardashian Thanksgiving touch football game.  

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Donald Trump claims, if he had been president, he would have stopped Sept. 11 from happening. Apparently Trump would have hired the terrorists and then they would have had to declare bankruptcy. 

That narrative suggests an entirely different agenda, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Playboy” magazine will no longer show nude women. Asked to comment, “Hustler” magazine said; “Holy crap, we’re still a magazine?” 

“Playboy” magazine will no longer show nude women. Who could have seen that coming besides anyone who has ever been on the Internet? 

Things are getting ugly between the Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush campaigns. It’s like fighting over which restaurant is more authentic Mexican, Chipotle or Taco Bell?

Apple was ordered to pay $234 million to the U. of Wisconsin on an patent infringement claim. Apple agreed and paid the claim out of the coins in its laundry jar. 

Michael Vick is hounded by injuries. His hamstring reached up and bit him and has come back to dog him. 

It Has Come To This:

In an NFL game, I saw a player called for an illegal block on a block he utterly missed. Whatever you do, NFL refs, keep making all of these awful, ticky-tack calls. After all, remember that you no-coaching, no-playing, old-guy, no-full-time-job-having refs are the real reason we watch these games. Are you picking up on my sarcasm, refs? No, because you can't pick up anything to save your lives. 

How long until a Manning does a “FanDuel” commercial?

Just like they did with online poker, how long until Congress shuts down Fantasy Football’s “FanDuel” and “DraftKings” for gambling? I give it six months. 

Speaking of a Manning, it is truly painful, as someone who has a bad shoulder, to watch Peyton Manning try to throw long. He does that thing we all do where he pulls his head away from the pain, his shoulder. But he is a tough old cob. 

The press sucks. Some in the press are calling for Joe Maddon to bench Kris Bryant, the runaway rookie of the year. You don’t suppose a 22-year-old kid is a little nervous about being in the playoffs and will settle down if given a chance, do you? 

The last thing any team wants to do is live down to all the worst expectations of their bitterest rival. The way Michigan fans responded to their punter made Ohio State fans so extremely happy.

The "SNL" "Weekend Update" "Playboy" joke about "Cat Fancy" magazine is still straight-up pussy was hilarious. Now, I know, as a joke writer, I am biased, but just about everything else really sucked. Even my main human, Tina Fey, was off. 

"Fox Sports" hired Alex Rodriguez keeping with their long-term policy of hiring over-paid a-holes. 

It is probably wrong - on many politically-correct levels - that I refer to the NFL "Predator" hair trend of super-long dreds as Hippy Curtains. 

Looking at the Packer's uniforms, now I know why they are called "Throwback Uniforms." You should throw them back into the garbage can from whence they came. The Packers flesh-colored pants give them that whole Porky Pig no-pants look. 

Not to toot my own horn, but . . . Everyone is going crazy about Larry David looking like Barry Sanders. Hello? From my blog on May 1.

FRIDAY, MAY 01, 2015

Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders, is running for president. He is also the leading contender in the "Larry David Look-Alike Contest."