Saturday, July 03, 2010

The plastic horn vuvuzelas continue to annoy at the World Cup. Give France some credit, they couldn’t make noise blowing in the vuvuzelas. That’s because, at this World Cup, the French sucked.
In the World Cup, one team put the man in Germany, the other put the Tina in Argentina; flopping, whining, arguing calls while play resumed, Diego’s boy’s did not represent. Germany put the shellac in attack, Argentina put the Wheatena in the bag pipes. (“Caddie Shack” reference)

Great work out, now to the store for a filet mignon, enjoy the gorgeous San Diego Sunset* and also watch the sun go down in San Diego while grillin' n' chillin'.

*Mount Gay on the rocks, heavy splash of coconut (not milk) water, squeeze of lime

Friday, July 02, 2010

Equal time sport crotch kick shots. Man, talk about hooking them horns.

The FBI busted a Russian spy ring that was deep under cover in the East. The ring was so deeply undercover they didn’t know communism in Russia fell, the cold war is over and they don’t need to spy anymore.

Signs your neighbor is a Russian spy:

He still thinks Anna Kournakova has a shot at Wimbledon.

Greets you with; “How about those capitalist pig Yankees?”

Actually watched and enjoyed World Cup games played by teams that weren’t the US.

Twice you caught him talking into his shoe. (“Get Smart” is still a spy reference, people)

When asked what he does for a living, he unconvincingly says; “Well, I’m not a Russian spy, if that’s what you mean.”

Constantly borrows your Comrade '98 Russian spy protection shield.

Leans over the fence, hands you a box and asks if you can hang on to this stuff that isn't vital Russian spy information for a few days.

Repeatedly asks you if you're sure you're not Red Bear Thirty Two.

Three words: KGB cuff links.


An Alaska man was arrested for stabbing his roommate with deer antlers. The victim is fine, but the man was charged with assault, domestic violence and proliferating an Alaskan stereotype.

A survey reveals about one people in four do not know from whom the US received its independence. Former President Bush was shocked to discover so many people did not know we received our independence from Canada.

Ah, the Fourth, where everyone is entitled to be a pyromaniac for one night

TMZ” claims it has an audio tape of Mel Gibson screaming profanities during a custody phone argument with his ex, including the C-word and the N-word. Who could have guessed the biggest “Lethal Weapon” in Mel’s career would be his mouth?

In the World Cup, Netherlands beat Brazil 2-1 to advance to the semi-finals. Now, I am neither an expert on soccer nor bikini waxes, but aren’t all Brazils done in the Netherlands?

A British designer has made the world’s most expensive suit made of cashmere, silk and diamonds. Now, I don’t want to say this suit is gay, but even when it's in the closet, it’s out of the closet.

It is now being reported Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, will get a settlement of 100 million dollars, not the 750 million that was reported. To put that amount in perspective, at some point Heather Mills would have had to been married to all of the Beatles. 

Since you asked:

As anyone who has had the guts to perform or appear in public knows, it is easy to criticize. All it takes is a birth certificate to qualify as a critic, and, when it comes to knowledge about soccer, a birth certificate is about my only credit.

Having said that, I am still entitled to my opinion, and, in my opinion ABC/ESPN analyst, Alexi Lalas, is approaching intolerable to watch.

Nothing is harder to take then smugness - and Lalas has smugness in excess by double- nothing except ex-jock egomaniacs who broadcast as if they were the greatest player whoever lived. (See: Bill Walton) In an aggressive passive-aggressive way, they get to, at-once, denounce great players while touting their past prowess.

From everything I’ve read about him, Lalas was just a good player on a rather so-so National team. Not the golden gift to the soccer world as he pontificates he was. And any guy who used to have a lengthy goat beard is subject in my book anyway.

Plus Lalas’s diva hissy fits with coaches and players are well-known.

Point of fact: US defender, Steve Cherundolo, is a local San Diego boy who made good. Not a tall guy, Steve is a gutsy defender who plays with his heart. A local news film crew showed his proud Mom waiting to watch the Ghana game at a near-bye local Encinitas sports bar while buying everyone in the joint a pitcher of beer.

Yay proud Mom.

At the half and after the game, Lalas blasted Cherundolo and the rest of the US defenders. That had to hurt and embarrass Steve’s poor mom something fierce and, in my mind, it was totally unfair. The deciding early goal was a rare miscue of the great goalie, Tim Howard.

The World Cup has been great to watch, but they really need to can Alexi Lalas. His ego and his mouth are writing checks, like his balding pate with the Caeser-like forward-combover, Lalas just can’t cover.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Suddenly Sklar did not think soccer was such a beautiful sport after all

Holy monkey-humpin' Duncan, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in:

Reports claim Child Protective Services were called to Britney Spears Los Angeles home. A source close to Spears defended her parenting saying; “Hey, it’s not like the two boys smoke like that Indonesian toddler. They just dip Skoal.”

When asked to comment, Britney declined. Not because she didn't have anything to say, at the time her mouth was full of Cheetos, Lucky Lager and a lit Marlboro.

After 25 years, Larry King is stepping down from his talk show, “Larry King Live.” Larry wants to spend more time with his great, great, great grandchildren.

In a related story, a 100 year-old Galapagos turtle wearing big glasses, a bow tie and red suspenders, took a nap.

The good news is Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green. The bad news is the honeymoon was cut short; Brian was called back to cover an afternoon shift as the Radio Shack assistant manager.

“Bachelor” star, Vienna Girardi announced she will pose naked for “Playboy.” Remember, this is the woman who claimed she broke off her engagement with Jake because he was a shameless publicity whore.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Guys, you may have been watching too much World Cup if you saw this and said;

"Oh, hey, good, a corner kick."

When life hands you lemons, say, "Wow, thanks life, but instead of lemons, do you mind giving me another 20 years? And I mean good years, not- lingering-on- at- the-old-folks- home years," Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green. There was an awkward moment before the ceremony when the minister asked the groom: “Excuse me, but didn’t you used to be Brian Austin Green?”

This was followed by an equally awkward moment when the minister said: “Do you, Megan, take Brian, oh my god, woman, you have hammer-toe thumbs.”

For guys who are upset about Megan not marrying them, there is a toll free number you can call: 1800 You Nuts?

A mountain lion wandered on to a Montana golf course. We don’t know if the mountain lion was dangerous, but we do know there hasn’t been a threatening Tiger on a golf course in a long time.

The FBI busted a Russian spy ring under deep cover in the US. How deeply undercover? They were more deeply under cover than a Louisiana pelican.

Since you asked:

The results of San Jose State’s annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction contest are in, named in honor of the oft-Snoopy-quoted “It was a dark and stormy night” bad novel opening and, sad to say, I was not listed among the winners. This may have a lot to do with the fact that I did not enter, but, when it comes to bad writing, procastionationally or not, I am second to anyone.

Wait. What?

Here are some of Lex’s bad novel openings:

“The din of the laughter and the piano suddenly stopped as the saloon doors flapped behind him. Everyone froze and watched as he slowly and menacingly brushed the trail dust off of his worn buckskin jacket. But seriously, why are they called saloon doors? They are really just conjoined panels with slats. Doors keep things out, these things are only knee to chest high. They couldn’t keep out an ant or a fly let alone dust or rain. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”


He turned to her in bed and looked longingly in her beautiful green eyes, brushed her long brown hair aside and said; “Goodnight”. Then he rolled over and, gently cupping his scrotum, he muttered, “Gotchya boys” and, after letting loose a high-to-low, four-note fart, he drifted off to sleep snoring quite loudly.


He quietly slipped away from the Russian embassy party, pulled the black pistol out of his tuxedo jacket and attached the silver silencer as he darted into the massive industrial kitchen and then rode up the service elevator. Once in the elegant office hallway, he took out his cell phone and hit the number, gun-in-hand, of his CIA contact to receive the secret password to tap into the computer files.

“Shoot,” he said. “No service. That’s it, AT&T, sucks, I am signing up with Verizon. They have more maps. Oh, and remind me to call Geico to see if 15 minutes can save me 15% on my car insurance.”

Hey, I said these were bad.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Gay Pride Week in New York. My favorite new Gay Pride event is the Lady Gaga lookalike contest. Congratulations to the winner, Adam Lambert.

Bless their hearts, the hookers in Times Square are getting into the spirit of Gay Pride Week. For an extra $100, they'll Ricky your Martin.

My new philanthropy? Saving wolves from Kristen Stewart. Of course Kristen Stewart would own a wolf. They're 100 times more annoying than owning a dog.

Seriously, what's not to like about this World Cups, err, sorry, World Cup?

Saw four very self-important sports writers on ESPN debating the World Cup. Two said it was a good World Cup for the US and two thought it was a bad result.

Are they stupid?

Of course it was a good World Cup for the US. Before this, if you said we would finish much better than France, Italy and England combined, we wouldn’t have believed it. Granted, they all came back to the field more than the US advanced, but still.

One writer bemoaned the fact the US lost to a country, Ghana, the mere size of Oregon. BS. Colleges with 1,000 students are capable of fielding competitive Division One soccer teams, you’re telling me a country with 23 million can’t come up with a competitive World Cup team?

And in 99% of these countries soccer/football is the only sport contending for their best athletes. Imagine of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Derek Jeter had played soccer their entire lives? Decathlon gold medalist Bryan Clay? Unleash Troy Polamalu on these skinny little twerps. Kaka would have, well, Kaka in his drawers.

When this World Cup started I thought I would only watch games involving the US. Turns out those games were almost painful to watch, the tension was so high and I wanted the US to win so much. Often, thanks to the DVR, I could only stand to watch them in sections.

But today I am looking forward to watching Spain-Portugal because I have no bias. From what I have heard, I am not alone. Many American sports fan have been won over by this beautiful game, whiny flopping notwithstanding.

Granted, we converts may not be the most knowledgeable soccer fans. When asked who I liked, Chile or Brazil I replied Chile because I have never tried a bowl of Brazil.


But seriously, sports bars continue to be packed and the games just keep getting more and more exciting, USA or not. That is a sure sign that our USA team had a good World Cup. The only downside for me during these broadcasts? Alexi Lalas. Wow, that guy is tough-to-take smug. And, dude? The comb-over isn’t working.

No question this was a good World Cup for the US. The only question seems to be whether to keep coach Bradley. My answer is yes, keep Bradley. Like keeper Tim Howard, Bradley was awesome but had a bad game against Ghana. Plus he comes with his son who proved to be great.

Just make sure to hire Robert DeNiro as an assistant coach so he can teach acting to our players in the aspect of flopping. Are you talkin' to me, ref? You talkin' to me?

Did you hear?
It is reported that Heather Mills has spent her entire $24 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. Apparently she doesn’t have a financial leg to stand on.

Attention, Ringo Star, whatever you do, do not answer your doorbell.

Monday, June 28, 2010

At Wimbledon, Venus Williams’s tennis dress was inspired by a dress worn by Tina Turner; however, the way Venus beats her opponents is more reminiscent of Ike.

In an interview she sold to "The National Enquirer" Al Gore's sexual assault accuser described Gore as " sex-crazed poodle." And I thought it was hard to believe he invented the Internet.

If Al Gore is a sex-crazed poodle, that makes Tiger Woods a rabidly sex insane Rottweiler.

The French government announced they will investigate why their team played so badly at the World Cup. And being nothing if not a tireless supporter of the French, I have volunteered to assist in that investigation. Here it is, got it. The reason the French team did not do well at the World Cup is because they came down with a huge case of the sucks
It’s hard to believe how upset England is at their soccer team’s poor showing at the World Cup. They even channeled the ghost of Winston Churchill: “Never in the history of human endeavor, have so many been so pissed at so few.”

In France it was even worse. French players were snubbed, insulted, treated rudely, in other words, pretty much treated like US tourists.

My frustration at the awful officiating at the World Cup led me to say F.I.F.A. now stands for Failure Investigating Flagrant Atrocities. That is unfair. F.I.F.A. actually stands for Flopping Is Fully Accepted.

Angelina Jolie said her daughter, Shiloh, wants to be a boy. Well, duh, if you had breast fed off of Angelina Jolie, wouldn’t you want to be a boy too?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

In the World Cup, Germany beat England 4-1. Now, I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but if this was the level of effort put out in World War II, we would be listening to music by Der Beatles and Von Stones Das Rolling.

But in fairness to England, they were another team robbed by the awful officiating. Who knew that F.I.F.A. stood for Failure Investigating Flagrant Atrocities?

An Illinois woman fell three stories on to her car, got up and went inside a neighbors house and fell asleep on their couch. Why do I suspect alcohol was involved?