Guys, you may have been watching too much World Cup if you saw this and said;

"Oh, hey, good, a corner kick."





When life hands you lemons, say, "Wow, thanks life, but instead of lemons, do you mind giving me another 20 years? And I mean good years, not- lingering-on- at- the-old-folks- home years," Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green. There was an awkward moment before the ceremony when the minister asked the groom: “Excuse me, but didn’t you used to be Brian Austin Green?”

This was followed by an equally awkward moment when the minister said: “Do you, Megan, take Brian, oh my god, woman, you have hammer-toe thumbs.”

For guys who are upset about Megan not marrying them, there is a toll free number you can call: 1800 You Nuts?

A mountain lion wandered on to a Montana golf course. We don’t know if the mountain lion was dangerous, but we do know there hasn’t been a threatening Tiger on a golf course in a long time.

The FBI busted a Russian spy ring under deep cover in the US. How deeply undercover? They were more deeply under cover than a Louisiana pelican.

Since you asked:

The results of San Jose State’s annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction contest are in, named in honor of the oft-Snoopy-quoted “It was a dark and stormy night” bad novel opening and, sad to say, I was not listed among the winners. This may have a lot to do with the fact that I did not enter, but, when it comes to bad writing, procastionationally or not, I am second to anyone.

Wait. What?

Here are some of Lex’s bad novel openings:

“The din of the laughter and the piano suddenly stopped as the saloon doors flapped behind him. Everyone froze and watched as he slowly and menacingly brushed the trail dust off of his worn buckskin jacket. But seriously, why are they called saloon doors? They are really just conjoined panels with slats. Doors keep things out, these things are only knee to chest high. They couldn’t keep out an ant or a fly let alone dust or rain. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

Or

He turned to her in bed and looked longingly in her beautiful green eyes, brushed her long brown hair aside and said; “Goodnight”. Then he rolled over and, gently cupping his scrotum, he muttered, “Gotchya boys” and, after letting loose a high-to-low, four-note fart, he drifted off to sleep snoring quite loudly.

And

He quietly slipped away from the Russian embassy party, pulled the black pistol out of his tuxedo jacket and attached the silver silencer as he darted into the massive industrial kitchen and then rode up the service elevator. Once in the elegant office hallway, he took out his cell phone and hit the number, gun-in-hand, of his CIA contact to receive the secret password to tap into the computer files.

“Shoot,” he said. “No service. That’s it, AT&T, sucks, I am signing up with Verizon. They have more maps. Oh, and remind me to call Geico to see if 15 minutes can save me 15% on my car insurance.”

Hey, I said these were bad.