Friday, April 20, 2007

The Meeting

Nervous first time meeting attendee slowly walks up to the podium. He awkwardly fumbles with the mike and in a loud echo of the dim and dank church basement, he blurts something out too close to the mike, shocked by the loud squawk of the feedback, he backs up and says;

“Hello. My name is Kirk.”

Meeting audience:

“Hello, Kirk.”


“Well, I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember.”

“I mean, I’ve tried to stop, believe me. But the longer I quit, the worse I felt. And then when I started up again I did it more than ever.”

“Gosh I’ve done it for so many days in a row, I can’t even count. Sometimes two or three times a day. One time, in Mexico, I did it for five hours straight every day. That was horrible.”
Meeting audience gives nodding looks of understanding and sympathy.


“I’ve done it in restaurants, bars, hotel rooms. I’m not proud to admit this, but I once even did it in church.”

Murmuring could be heard among the audience.

“Well, not in the church but in the Church’s bathroom. But the service was still going on.”

“But I guess what brought me to this low-point was yesterday. I did it in our downstairs bathroom with company over for dinner, which, I hate to say, wasn’t unusual.

But this time, when I came out, well, you should have seen the horrified look on my eight-year-old daughter’s face.”

“My name is Kirk and I’m a poop-aholic.”

Cut to: Crowd giving a standing ovation.
Cut to: Wider shot to reveal the audience is wearing adult diapers.

Narrator voice over:

“Depends. For when you decide you want to stop, but you still need a little help.”
These just in:

How . . . rainy . . .is . . .it?
To give you an idea how rainy it has been in New York, today they officially changed Grant’s Tomb to Grant’s Aquarium.

Now that's not nice
Finally, Sanjaya was voted off of “American Idol” Not to be mean but is it me or does Sanjaya look like the unholy spawn of Prince and Apu?

Nice marketing tool
I like “American Idol” but I wish they should somehow fit in more commercials, specifically for Ford and Coke. This just in: “American Idol” has announced Blake has changed his name to Ford and Lakisha has changed her name to Coca Cola.

Was the name Pong already taken?
Tennessee Titan Adam “Pacman” Jones took out a full page ad in a Memphis paper promising to improve his behavior after being suspended for one season for ten police incidents in two years. In a related story, Wall Street identified the worst investment possible: posting bail for Pacman.
Get on up on it, get on up on it, uh huh, uh huh, dat’s right, we bad, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Millions of BlackBerry users lost service Tuesday night for more than 10 hours. Addicted BlackBerry users were seen talking into their garage door openers, stereo remotes. It was sad.

Size wise
A group of Starbucks employees is trying to form a union; they want to go from their single short sized salaries to a triple Vente salary.

How wet is it?
The rain finally stopped back East. To give you an idea how bad the rain was in New York, the rats at Taco Bell have grown gills.

(Say gills in a Johnny Carson/Zach Braff giiiiillllls kinda way)

Sayonara Sanjaya
Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol.” You know somebody is bad when even the website “Vote for the Worst ” finally turns on someone.

Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol.” But don’t feel bad for Sanjaya, he has a long career ahead of him using his voice: “Welcome to McDonalds. Can I take your order?”

Assist to Mark “O’Snickity Snake” O’Connor
The Boston Globe reports that presidential candidate John Edwards paid $400 for a haircut. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said; “Did yours come with a happy ending too?”

And you don’t want to know what Edwards paid for his bikini wax.

Oh, nous plaisantons avec le français.
Scientists say a chicken descended from a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Can you believe that? A T. Rex evolved into a chicken? But it does explain the French . . .

IndyCar rookie Milka Duno is going to join Danica Patrick and Sarah Fisher in the first Indy 500 with three women in the field. People find that surprising. I don’t. Anyone who doesn’t think women can drive fast hasn’t seen a soccer mom leaving Starbucks late for her yoga class.

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see . . .
Prince William has broken up with his pretty girlfriend, Kate Middleton. William figured that, as a prince, he could do better. Then he took a long look at Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, and screamed;

“Kate, come back. I miss you. I miss us.”

Since you asked:

My question about Fergie, of The Blackeyed Peas, has always been: hot or scary? She answered that Wednesday nicht on “American Idle” (Yes I know I spelled it that way) Man oh man. Even Sanjaya wanted him some of that. Fergie got that mean alley cat thing happening. Grrrraarrarrraroow.

And Martina McBride? Yikes. She is awesome. I envy the young dude what gets courgar’d by her. Mixed emotions about Sanjaya getting the boot. Yes it was about time, but he did bring excitement to the shows. And he seems like a sweet kid with a good heart.

But that hair gots to go. It gots to go.

My favorite? Melinda looks like the front runner but it is a tight pack. Chicks out ahead of Dudes.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Since you asked:

We, all the good people here at A.l.B.b., are always looking for new ideas. This is a little something new we like to call:

Lex Gets the Lyrics Wrong

How we play is that Lex will write how he sings the lyric and then we will put the correct lyric in. Ready?

Lex’s lyric Elton’s “Rocketman”:

“Rocketman, spurning those who appear to’ve won”

The real lyric:

“Rocketman, burning out the fuse up here alone”

Lex’s “What is and What Should Never Be” Led Zep Lyric:

“Everybody I know seems an adobe well but never gun down a doe and go to hell

The real lyrics:

“Everybody I know seems to know me well but they're never gonna know that I move like hell”

Lex’s Stones’ “Tumblin’ Dice” lyric:

“Say now baby, I’m the raconteur, you can be my part of the time”

The real lyrics:

“Say now baby, I'm the rank outsider, you can be my partner in crime”

Lex’s the Boss’s “Born to Run” Lyrics:

“Be on the phallus of heavy hour ones seen on the bull of hard” (I have no idea what this means but it sure sounds dirty)

The real lyrics:

“Beyond the palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard”

Lex’s Stones “Honky Tonk Woman” lyrics:

“I later did devour a sea in New York City, I had to put out some time of her height”

The real lyric:

“I laid a divorcee in New York City, I had to put up some kind of a fight.”

(Polite applause)
Keeping the deal real to the feel, McBeel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Did you see Tuesday’s “American Idol”? Man, Simon Cowell was cranky. As of now we don’t know exactly what got Simon’s man boobs in a twist.

On “American Idol” did you see Ryan Seacrest rush to defend Sanjaya against Simon’s attack? It’s nice to see lovers protecting each other.

You would think
Did you see Tuesday night’s “American Idol”? They had bad pop singer Sanjaya trying to sing country. That’s like asking the Oakland Raiders to play hockey. Don’t they already stink enough as it is?

Oh goody
“American Idol” features country music. Oh boy, just what I’ve dreamed of, Sanjaya singing country music. What’s next? Madonna performing Shakespeare?

Who knew?
Democratic candidate John Edwards pays $400 a-haircut. Who would have guessed that Edwards is paying the same for a haircut that Dennis Kucinich pays for his two suits?

We are out of here
Scientists claim women will be able to get pregnant by converting their own bone marrow into sperm. And if they figure out how to kill spiders, guys, we are toast.

Scientists claim women will be able to get pregnant by converting their own bone marrow into sperm. That’s the good news. The bad news is the kid will look exactly like Sanjaya.

Book it
In Denver, John Kerry said he may run for president again. Kerry was there to sign his book: “This Moment On Earth” and to buy a book: “A Dummies Guide to Campaigning.”

Since you asked:

‘Cued a killer sandguido last nicht. (I made a good grilled sandwich last night)

It is from the always reliable Sam the Cooking guy, a local boy. Grilled meatloaf sandwiches.

Two lbs ground sirloin

Two eggs

I cup bread crumbs

Two tablespoons diced green chilis

A big splash of Worcestershire sauce (I cannot spell that right even after I’ve looked it up. After I looked it up I still spelled it so wrong spell check couldn’t bail me out)

Garlic powder, Kosher salt, fresh pepper

Bake in meatloaf dish in oven at 350 for 45 minutes. On the dot 45 minutes. It will be ever so slightly under done, which is what you want.

Make a barbeque sauce of sautéed diced onions, apricot jam, that sauce that starts with a W. a dash of white wine vinegar, ketchup, mustard

Cut the meatloaf into two inch at least meatloaf slabs/steaks. Put them on the hot grill slather, the BBQ sauce on them until you have grill marks.

Slice those grilled meatloaf steaks into thinner pieces without breaking them up (It’s OK if they do break up a little bit)

Serve them on toasted sourdough bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato, more salt, give it a good smoosh and Bob is your damn uncle. Serve with baked beans and fruit salad.

Lex Out Making Friends:
My latest pet peeve? The grocery store cashiers who allow the over-entitled a-holes to use coupons and pay by checks for their twenty items in the no-coupons, cash-only ten-items-or-less- line.

The people who abuse the ten items-or-less line are going to try and do it anyway because, well, they are a-holes. But it is up the cashier to stop it. If the a-holes know they have to embarrassingly collect all their crap and go to another line, they won’t try and force the issue.

The key to dealing with a-holes is not to let them make you into a bigger one. Or as I call that, the Larry David “Curb Your Enthusiasm” school. Sure, the guy in the wheel chair cut Larry off, but you don’t get into a road rage fight with a guy in a wheel chair, like Larry did.

So when I am standing there and this jerk and his girlfriend are standing there literally smirking at defying the laws, proud to be a rebels without a clue with their twenty items in the ten-item -or-less line, I just commented outloud, while smiling you understand;

“Wow, I thought I was bad at math. At least I can count to ten.”

The guy turns to me and says, all huffy;

“Hey, if it makes you feel better think of it as ten things for her and ten for me.”

And then he and Miss Bitchy had a good chuckle at my expense.

Now this is where, if I was smart, I would stop and not have been the bigger a-hole. But this is where I said, still smiling you understand;

“If it makes you feel any better think of yourself as a douche-bag instead of an a-h*le.”

It turns out he wasn't that bad at math after all. He was able to look at me and realize I outweighed him by thirty pounds of muscle.

Sure, I'll admit it, if he was big, I wouldn't have said anything. It is one of the perks.

And that, Slatties and Rancheros, is how we play

“Lex Out Making Friends”

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Can you dig it? I knew that you could, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

How . . . rainy . . . is . . .it?
It is so rainy in New York, the Taco Bell rats have been overrun by otters.

It was so rainy in New York City, Donald Trump put on his yellow slicker hair piece.

It was so rainy in New York, for an extra $20, the Times Square hookers were throwing in a sqweegy job

It is so rainy in New York, the cabbies suicide bombs are getting water-logged.

It was so rainy in New York City, in the Subways, the urine was watered down.

It was so rainy in New York, the tourists were asking; “Is this the way to Times Square or should I just go drown myself?”

Did you see all the rain back East? On Sunday the Washington Nationals game was rained out and somehow the Nationals still lost.

Since you asked:

So there is the whole family, watching “American Idol.” So I give Ann Caroline the “It isn’t nice to judge people” speech about how anyone can be a mean-spirited critic, but we are simply comparing the singer’s performances.

It was my goal to point out that, at this late point in the show, they are all good singers, just some have better nights than others. The important thing to remember is that anyone can criticize, but it takes a lot of guts to stand up and perform. You know, that whole Teddy Roosevelt “It’s not the critic who counts . . .” speech.

Just then, Sanjaya performed and afterwards, my eight-year-old-angel-faced daughter said;

“That was poop on toast.”

Sniff. (Tear-wipe) Daddy is so proud.

These people can go Google my Blogger

Oh my word. I have seen a computer hell no man should see. Can we all agree to get the people who demand their individual web sites demand different kind of user names and passwords so that you can’t possibly remember half of them and send them to the infernal hell they so richly deserve? Passwords that demand no caps, all caps, no numbers, one number, two numbers, six letters or less, six letters or more.

What the hell?

Guess what I discovered? None of my passwords is either Go F*ck yourselves or you snotty little password making weasels or any of the above because I tried those.

All of a sudden I couldn’t log on to my blog on Blogger to update it. It said my password was wrong. OK. Ask it to send my password by e-mail. Suddenly it doesn’t know my e-mail. OK, reset the password. Nothing. Go to update the e-mail address. Guess what? It won’t let me reset my e-mail until I log on. Got that? But I can’t log on because I don’t have the password it can’t send me because it doesn’t have my e-mail address.

Of course the first thing you think, whenever any computer problem arises, is my computer being hacked? Is my identity being stolen? Is some little pencil-neck virgin dweeb jacking with me just because he is mad his blow up girlfriend has a leak?

Then it throws me over to my Google account. Guess what? I didn’t know I had a Google account. Well guess what again? Now to update Blogger, you have to have a Google account. Fine, so I go to set up the Google account. But I can't set up my Google account because it won’t accept my e-mail address because there is already one on file. No e-mail, no Google account and it won't accept my e-mail becaue my e-mail is already on file.


Seriously, am I being Punked?

Now it tells me I am having problems with my cookies blocker. Now, I have nothing against cookies, so why would I want to block them? But apparently I am. Or my privacy section of my Internet tools is. And I didn’t know I had an Internet tool. I know that the people who run Internet passwords are Internet tools.

And don’t try to contact a human being at Blogger or, heaven forbid, Google, because you can’t. There is no possible way to contact a person at either place by phone, e-mail, text message, smoke signal or, as I tried near the end, thrusting your middle finger repeatedly at their home page.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It is hard out here

It is a rainy night in, well, almost everywhere, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Global flooding
It was so cold and rainy in New York, in Times Square they hung Al Gore in effigy.

Put away forever
Did you see “The Sopranos” It was amazing. They sent a mob boss away to prison for life. Not for killing people and dealing drugs. He called a female basketball player a nappy-headed ho.

Cracking down
The NFL has suspended Tennessee Titan Adam “Pacman” Jones for one year following ten police-involved incidents in two years. It is all part of the NFL’s tough new “Ten Strikes and You Get a Year Off Work” policy.

It’s not TV, it’s HBO
Did you see “The Sopranos”? Geraldo Rivera played himself. Do you know what they would call it if they whacked Geraldo Rivera on the show? The best “The Sopranos” ever.

Paging Reverend Hypocrite
Jesse Jackson demanded the firing of Don Imus for saying nappy-headed hos. And then the Reverend Jesse said goodbye to his mistress, illegitimate child and boarded a flight to New York, or as he once called it: Hymietown.

Did you see the latest “The Sopranos”? They had a somber scene in a dark psychiatrist’s office, an A.A. meeting, a mob hit, a funeral. If all that wasn’t depressing enough they didn’t just show a prison and a cancer ward, they had to have a cancer ward in prison. The only way “The Sopranos” could have been more depressing is if Sanjaya had been voted back.

Got some sad news today.

My former La Jolla manager, Jack Frager, passed away at 73. You couldn’t say Jack’s name without smiling. He was a big, charming, handsome guy, a snappy dresser, an ex-fighter pilot and a man who was so popular, he could have run for Mayor of La Jolla.

And Jack would have won Mayor except the job would have kept him from playing golf at his beloved La Jolla Country Club, then knocking a few back while playing Bridge and holding forth with jokes with his myriad of friends. Jack lived pretty damn well.

What sticks out when I think of Jack –besides how much Tabasco he used to slather on his grilled fish at the Whaling Bar, I used to get heartburn just watching him - is just how much it can mean when somebody simply is nice.

When I was working at my first big-time brokerage job, my parents traveled a long way to New York from Chicago to visit me at work. My boss was a brilliant, powerful, wealthy guy who didn’t have to give me my first big break, but he did.

But he was also a wildly moody man. As it happened, he was in one of his foul, dark moods the day my parents arrived. As a result, he greeted my parents as sourly, curtly and as rudely as he possibly could which upset them, and me, a great deal.

A couple years later, when I had moved across country to La Jolla because my new manager, Jack Frager, hired me almost sight unseen, once again, my parents made a trip out. We ran into Jack on the street. Jack stuck out his hand, smiled his million-watt smile and proceeded to shower me with lavish compliments, both professionally and personally.

In other words, he fibbed.

It didn’t cost Jack anything to do that, but it meant the world to my parents. Jack’s kindness essentially wiped away forever their upsetting encounter with my first boss two years prior.

And when my parents passed away, that memory of them with Jack meant the world to me.

Thanks forever Jack Frager. You were a class act and I will never forget your generosity of spirit.

They just ain’t making any more like Jack.

Monday, April 16, 2007

It is hard out here

We gonna do the do that we do to the do that we do. Come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Go on YouTube, search “Awesome Bowling Trick Shot.” Norm Duke slowly spins a ball down the lane, throws a second ball that takes out nine pins and then the first ball picks up the spare. It is such a cool shot that one woman almost thought of having sex with a bowler.

Hit just hit him
After losing three games at Wrigley Field, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella lost his temper at a press conference. Apparently it just sunk in to Lou he’s the manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Hi-tech d*ckheads
A consumer survey reveals hi-tech users prefer WiMAX over cellular and WiFi services. In addition, 80% thought people who have Bluetooth phones on their ear look like d#ckheads.

Enough already
The widow of the great Jackie Robinson, Rachel Robinson, was on hand at a ceremony before the Los Angeles Dodger and San Diego Padres game. Rachel Robinson was escorted on the field by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Bud Selig? Come on, hasn’t this woman been through enough?

Not enough
In honor of the 60th anniversary of the debut of the great Jackie Robinson, many teams wore his number 42. The Florida Marlins tried to take that to another step and award their 42nd fan in attendance, but, sadly, only 38 showed.

Bad girl, bad
Prince William and girlfriend, Kate Middleton, have broken up; the English tabloids have described the sexy brunette Kate as naughty-looking. How naughty? The kind of gal who says; “Momma needs her a spanking” without taking the unfiltered Marlboro out of her mouth.

Since you asked:

No lie. Yesterday, a 20-ish bartender/waiter asked me in all seriousness:

“Have you ever heard of YouTube?”

It took everything I had not to say in my best you-punks-get-off-my-lawn-old-codger-voice:

“By crimminy, I don’t cotton to those dang new fangled ee- lectrickity contraptions, dag nabbit.”

Sunday, April 15, 2007

It is hard out here

We getting random with abandon up in this here up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
Last week, the girls on “The View” demonstrated squat exercises including Rosie O’Donnell which surprised conservatives. They didn’t think Rosie knew squat.

Bound to happen
After losing three games at Wrigley Field, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella lost his temper at a press conference. Apparently it just sunk in to Lou that he’s the manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Halle Berry was on “The View” Halle is 40. Rosie O’Donnell is 44. Halle, whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, girl. Rosie, whatever you’re doing, stop right now.

Dah flame
Chicago has been picked to be the United States’ candidate for the 2016 Olympics; or as Chicagoans call the Olympics: Dah Limb Picks.

“Does ‘dis bus go to dah limb picks?”

“No it goes beep beep.”

Thank you, Chicago, I’ll be here all week, try the bratwurst.

Whither Ted?
Remember actor Ted Levine? He played the serial killer Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs.” The good news for Levine? He just finished a movie with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington called “American Gangster.” The bad news? Levine hasn’t been laid since “Silence of the Lambs” came out in ‘91.

“Oh, come on, sweety, it was just a role. It puts the lotion in the basket.”

Go Gaucho Gold
My beloved alma mater, U.C. Santa Barbara, offers a class in pornography. What is that final exam like?

Question 69:

In pornography, a scene ends with,

A, the money shot

B, the synthesizer music fading out,

C, the sad realization by the actors that their lives, morals and self esteem have been utterly wasted

D, all of the above.