Friday, April 20, 2007

The Meeting

Nervous first time meeting attendee slowly walks up to the podium. He awkwardly fumbles with the mike and in a loud echo of the dim and dank church basement, he blurts something out too close to the mike, shocked by the loud squawk of the feedback, he backs up and says;

“Hello. My name is Kirk.”

Meeting audience:

“Hello, Kirk.”


“Well, I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember.”

“I mean, I’ve tried to stop, believe me. But the longer I quit, the worse I felt. And then when I started up again I did it more than ever.”

“Gosh I’ve done it for so many days in a row, I can’t even count. Sometimes two or three times a day. One time, in Mexico, I did it for five hours straight every day. That was horrible.”
Meeting audience gives nodding looks of understanding and sympathy.


“I’ve done it in restaurants, bars, hotel rooms. I’m not proud to admit this, but I once even did it in church.”

Murmuring could be heard among the audience.

“Well, not in the church but in the Church’s bathroom. But the service was still going on.”

“But I guess what brought me to this low-point was yesterday. I did it in our downstairs bathroom with company over for dinner, which, I hate to say, wasn’t unusual.

But this time, when I came out, well, you should have seen the horrified look on my eight-year-old daughter’s face.”

“My name is Kirk and I’m a poop-aholic.”

Cut to: Crowd giving a standing ovation.
Cut to: Wider shot to reveal the audience is wearing adult diapers.

Narrator voice over:

“Depends. For when you decide you want to stop, but you still need a little help.”