Thursday, April 19, 2007

Keeping the deal real to the feel, McBeel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Did you see Tuesday’s “American Idol”? Man, Simon Cowell was cranky. As of now we don’t know exactly what got Simon’s man boobs in a twist.

On “American Idol” did you see Ryan Seacrest rush to defend Sanjaya against Simon’s attack? It’s nice to see lovers protecting each other.

You would think
Did you see Tuesday night’s “American Idol”? They had bad pop singer Sanjaya trying to sing country. That’s like asking the Oakland Raiders to play hockey. Don’t they already stink enough as it is?

Oh goody
“American Idol” features country music. Oh boy, just what I’ve dreamed of, Sanjaya singing country music. What’s next? Madonna performing Shakespeare?

Who knew?
Democratic candidate John Edwards pays $400 a-haircut. Who would have guessed that Edwards is paying the same for a haircut that Dennis Kucinich pays for his two suits?

We are out of here
Scientists claim women will be able to get pregnant by converting their own bone marrow into sperm. And if they figure out how to kill spiders, guys, we are toast.

Scientists claim women will be able to get pregnant by converting their own bone marrow into sperm. That’s the good news. The bad news is the kid will look exactly like Sanjaya.

Book it
In Denver, John Kerry said he may run for president again. Kerry was there to sign his book: “This Moment On Earth” and to buy a book: “A Dummies Guide to Campaigning.”

Since you asked:

‘Cued a killer sandguido last nicht. (I made a good grilled sandwich last night)

It is from the always reliable Sam the Cooking guy, a local boy. Grilled meatloaf sandwiches.

Two lbs ground sirloin

Two eggs

I cup bread crumbs

Two tablespoons diced green chilis

A big splash of Worcestershire sauce (I cannot spell that right even after I’ve looked it up. After I looked it up I still spelled it so wrong spell check couldn’t bail me out)

Garlic powder, Kosher salt, fresh pepper

Bake in meatloaf dish in oven at 350 for 45 minutes. On the dot 45 minutes. It will be ever so slightly under done, which is what you want.

Make a barbeque sauce of sautéed diced onions, apricot jam, that sauce that starts with a W. a dash of white wine vinegar, ketchup, mustard

Cut the meatloaf into two inch at least meatloaf slabs/steaks. Put them on the hot grill slather, the BBQ sauce on them until you have grill marks.

Slice those grilled meatloaf steaks into thinner pieces without breaking them up (It’s OK if they do break up a little bit)

Serve them on toasted sourdough bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato, more salt, give it a good smoosh and Bob is your damn uncle. Serve with baked beans and fruit salad.

Lex Out Making Friends:
My latest pet peeve? The grocery store cashiers who allow the over-entitled a-holes to use coupons and pay by checks for their twenty items in the no-coupons, cash-only ten-items-or-less- line.

The people who abuse the ten items-or-less line are going to try and do it anyway because, well, they are a-holes. But it is up the cashier to stop it. If the a-holes know they have to embarrassingly collect all their crap and go to another line, they won’t try and force the issue.

The key to dealing with a-holes is not to let them make you into a bigger one. Or as I call that, the Larry David “Curb Your Enthusiasm” school. Sure, the guy in the wheel chair cut Larry off, but you don’t get into a road rage fight with a guy in a wheel chair, like Larry did.

So when I am standing there and this jerk and his girlfriend are standing there literally smirking at defying the laws, proud to be a rebels without a clue with their twenty items in the ten-item -or-less line, I just commented outloud, while smiling you understand;

“Wow, I thought I was bad at math. At least I can count to ten.”

The guy turns to me and says, all huffy;

“Hey, if it makes you feel better think of it as ten things for her and ten for me.”

And then he and Miss Bitchy had a good chuckle at my expense.

Now this is where, if I was smart, I would stop and not have been the bigger a-hole. But this is where I said, still smiling you understand;

“If it makes you feel any better think of yourself as a douche-bag instead of an a-h*le.”

It turns out he wasn't that bad at math after all. He was able to look at me and realize I outweighed him by thirty pounds of muscle.

Sure, I'll admit it, if he was big, I wouldn't have said anything. It is one of the perks.

And that, Slatties and Rancheros, is how we play

“Lex Out Making Friends”