Saturday, April 08, 2006

It is hard out here

We got our weekend on up in this here beeeeeeeyaaaaahhhtch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Do the math, not the teacher
In Delaware, a 34-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old student 28 times in one week; she claims she was helping him with his math. She wanted to demonstrate how many times 13 goes into 34.

What is with these women teachers having sex with young boys? When I was a kid the teachers wouldn’t let me bang my desktop.

When I was a kid the only thing the teachers let me bang were the erasers.

First Rep Cynthia McKinney said she was a victim of racism, but now with a grand jury investigation, she apologized to Congress for striking a capital police officer; this save-my-ass-after-a-screw-up ploy is known in Congress as a DeLay tactic, a Tom DeLay tactic.

Right after apologizing to Congress for hitting a capital police officer, Rep Cynthia McKinney and her security guard scuffled with the press. Well, at least she learned her lesson.

Where is Jesse Jackson when you need him?
At his trial to determine if he will be executed, 9/11 terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui yelled to the jury, “No pain, no gain America.” And the jury replied; “You’re gettin’ whacked, so adios Zach.”

Songs gone missing
Have you seen the soundtrack album for “Brokeback Mountain”? Why doesn’t it have Elton John’s “Don’t let the Sun Go Down on Me”?

I thought it was odd it didn’t have Elton John’s “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboys.”

It was odd it didn’t have Steeler’s Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

The best ‘Brokeback Mountain” song? “Hop In And I’ll Drive You to Montana.”

Since you asked:

Gonna go for a run and then play a little soccer with Miss Thing and then it is a full on Santa Maria BBQ, grilled marinated tri tip with fresh salsa, ranch beans, sourdough biscuits (heh) and tossed ranch salad wif avocados.

Ever notice how when guys talk about their car’s engine or their guns, their voice gets lower? The extent of what I know about either? One goes voom voom and the other goes boom boom. Seriously, I am a guy’s guy, a tough guy, a strong guy, a masculine guy, a guy guy’s want to hang with and women want to, well, it rhymes with hang. But when it comes to discussions about guns and car engines I best skedaddle along and go help the women folk.

Today’s exercise tip:

With kids and dogs and wives – not in that order, honey, heh, heh – it is easy to get sidetracked away from your planned workout. Here is a tip that works for me: Drink a ton of coffee. No kidding, at least two, three and maybe even four cups. If you make your Joe as strong as I do, you will be so jacked up on caffeine you will have little choice but to go exercise it off.

And that concludes Lex’s exercise tip for today. Now get out there and run, bike, walk, climb, spin, Plates, rollerblade, swim, dance, ride, hoop, or just plain cavort.

Cavort is a great word. Cavort. Heh. Not as good as biscuit, but good. Cavort.

Friday, April 07, 2006

It is hard out here

Jump back and smack that money maker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Catchy name
New age singer Yanni had his domestic battery charges dropped; Look for Yanni’s next album, “Step off or get played, Beeeyatch.”

More good news for Yanni, in addition to all the domestic battery charges being dropped, Yanni has just been hired to play at the Duke Lacrosse banquet.

Next level is Yuck
A Department of Homeland Security official, 56-year-old Brian Doyle, was arrested for trying to solicit a 14-year-old girl on the Internet; as a result the terror alert level is now Ewww.

Practice makes perfect
In Delaware, a 34-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old student 28 times in one week; that’s the thing with teachers, if you don’t do it right they make you do it over and over and over again.

28 times in one week. She was thrown in jail and he was treated for repetitive motion injuries.

28 times in one week equals four times a day. I can’t brush my teeth four times a day.

28 times in one week. That’s not sex, that’s punishment.

This kid is scarred for life. Can you imagine when he gets married? “What do you mean you only want to do it three times tonight?”

Blew Devils
In the investigation of the Duke Lacrosse stripper assault case, a vile e-mail from one of the players had the words tomorrow and proceed misspelled along with many grammatical errors. As a result, the Lacrosse coach resigned and the player’s English professor was put on suicide watch.

The e-mail was written so badly the player may be forced to transfer to USC.

That didn’t take long
On this date in 1896 the modern Olympics were reborn after 1,500 year absence. And on tomorrow’s date, in 1896, the first Olympic athlete tested positive for steroids.

Since you asked:
Isn’t it odd how names go through phases? Every young boy these days is named Dylan, Cooper or Ryan. I may be the oldest Alex in the country because you can’t throw a stick without hitting a kid named Alex. And girls now are Jessica, Nicole, Brie, Lauren, Hannah and Bridget. Mia is big because of Hamm.

Whatever happened to women named Trudy, or Ruth, or Betty, or Eleanor or Fran, or Esther? Whatever happened to men named Gus, Larry, Sid, Don, Henry, Harry, Lou, Andy? John? When was the last time a kid was named John? The bathroom killed that name. Sort of like something else killed the name Peter. And Dick. The last boy named Dick was a guy I knew named Dick Hoag. Good guy and great hockey player. And Wayne. What happened to Wayne after Gretzky?

Are there any Kathys anymore or are they all Katherines? Susies are now Susanne, pronounced Sew-Zaaaaahhn. And where the hell did Topher come from? There are hardly any Chris’s anymore, they are either Topher or Christopher. Can I switch to Xander? Is Michael now Hael? Thomas, Mas? William, Liam? Why am I starting to sound like Andy Rooney?

Rooney, that would be a good modern, pretentious name.

We had no problem naming our first child, Virg’s Mom is Ann and my mom was Ann. Caroline was just a name we liked. And our first Labrador was easy because of our last name, Kaseberg. She was born to be named Kasey. She still looks exactly like a Kasey, Inspector Kasey.

But our second dog? Oh my word. We made the mistake of opening suggestions and opinions on the names from friends. Don’t do that. Everyone knows someone who was an idiot or a slob or who ate paste or was the stinky kid who was named the name you want to use. Here was the short list of names we considered for our second Labrador until we decided on Wrigley.

Wally, Payton, Ernie, Santo, Sayers, Sidney, Dewgie, Dewie, Stewie, Henley, Clapton, Hendrix, Horace, Chester, Dexter, Dougan, Duncan and Howie. (The last two were my childhood pals)

Now that we know Wrigley, Dudley would have been the perfect choice, but Wrigley works well.

Many of the names are based on Chicago sports heroes or rock gods. Walther Payton and Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, Don Henley, Eric, Jimi. Remember, a Lab should have a cute but noble name . They are adorable but also great hunters descended mostly from England, so you can’t name a Lab a goofy name. And never, ever, allow a kid to name your dog, like Woofers or Jammies or Scooter or Scruffy. You will both, the dog and you, hope they end up running away.    

Oh, and Chocolate lab owners, trying to come up with a clever chocolate candy related name is officially over. All the Hershey’s and Cocoa’s and Snicker’s and Tootsie’s have been done. Same with yellow labs. No more Baileys or Nillas or Honeys or Custards. Biscuit would be OK, just because I love the name biscuit. Heh. Try and say that word without smiling. Biscuit. See?

The acid test for any name for a dog or child is the back door yell test. If you can stand by your back door and yell the name and not feel like an idiot, it is probably going to be OK. When we got Wrigley, Ann Caroline was just four, so when I picked her up from daycare, her teachers all wanted to know why on earth we would name a dog Wiggly.      

When I explained it was Wrigley, not Wiggly, it took everything I had not to tell them we named him Wiggly because he has worms.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

It is hard out here

They best get out my grill or they gonna get all kinds of played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A lot of rain, is what I’m sayin’
Man it has been raining in Los Angeles. It’s been raining so much, today in Hollywood, production began on the movie “Brokeback Levee.”

Like LaFave
New age singer Yanni had his domestic battery charges dropped; the Florida prosecutor decided that Yanni’s name was too pretty to go to jail.

Yeah, right
Charges were dropped against ex- Minnesota Vikings QB Dante Culpepper during a sex boat cruise because Culpepper claimed he was playing a dice game all night. Naked strippers running around and Duante says he’s playing dice all night? Sounds like a lot of craps to me.

Ya Mon
“Brokeback Mountain” was banned in the Bahamas for depicting homosexual sex. The Bahamas will only allow “Brokeback Mountain” if they change the name to “They Be Jammin’”

Biggest Fear
The 2006 issue of “Your Prom” magazine asked “What is your biggest fear about the prom?” 60% said they worried their date wouldn’t show, and 30% feared their teacher wouldn’t put out.

10% feared getting Michael Jackson as a dance chaperone.  

A study reveals that barbequing is bad for your prostrate. How are these guys checking their grill’s temperature? “Here, let me unbuckle my pants and sit on that. (sssssst) Ouch, yep, she’s ready for the meat.”

This brings a whole new meaning to ruining a rump roast.

Big doings
Maryland beat Duke to capture the Women’s NCAA basketball title. In other equally significant news, my dogs, Wrigley and Kasey, got wet yesterday.

Since you asked
If “24” agent Jack Bauer had my wife’s cell phone, we would all be wearing turbans. His battery never goes out, Virg’s always does.

Since you asked, deuce
Listening to Blues Traveler as we sprecken as I am going to be playing one of their songs with a band; can I just say that listening to John Popper on Harmonica is the harmonica player’s equivalent of taking a shower next to Shaquille O’Neal?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

It is hard out here

That how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get it?
Several movie studios have announced movies will be available directly from the Internet. This is great new for guys waiting to download “Brokeback Mountain” to their hard drive.

Not buying it
Charges were dropped against ex- Minnesota Vikings QB Dante Culpepper during a sex cruise because Culpepper claimed he was playing a dice game all night. Naked strippers running around and Duante says he’s playing a dice game all night? Sounds like a lot of craps to me.

What she said
The Capital Police may press charges against Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney for  striking a security officer with her cell phone. McKinney, who is black, claims it is a case of racial profiling. Upon which Naomi Campbell said; “Yeah, me too.”

How dumb am I?
“Today Show” host Katie Couric is going to leave NBC and anchor the news on CBS. I am such an idiot that Katie could be reporting on man landing on Mars and I would be thinking “Heh, heh, I’ve seen your colon, heh.”

“Today Show” host Katie Couric is going to leave NBC and anchor the news on CBS.
What is Katie’s sign off going to be? “I’m Katie Couric and you’ve seen my colon.”

What has he got up there, a gun?
I like “The Sopranos” but what is with Tony Soprano’s noisy nose breathing? Even Darth Vadar is saying, “Breath through your mouth, will ya? ”  

Since you asked:
Do not Google old friends, especially old girlfriends or boyfriends. There are three things that can happen and all of them will be depressing.

1, Nothing will come up which will make you feel worried that their life is lost in quiet desperation. (Think John Candy in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”)

2, Bad information will come up that will make you upset and depressed: they got sick, got divorced, went bankrupt, were fired, or heaven forbid, passed away.

3, Great information comes up and you find out that they are wildly successful, popular, rich and living an amazingly full life. This will make you the most depressed of all.

Because some old ugly midget French blogger with a chip on his shoulder against Americans got mad at a couple of jokes I wrote, he and his annoying readers Google bombed me with their insults; now his blog pops up under my Google search. And they wonder why we hate the French? My point is Google results don’t mean squat. There are still some of my jokes out there from 1996.

And a Soldier of Fortune newsletter reprinted a joke I wrote about Jane Fonda being an idiot pain-in-the-ass, now my name pops up in every psycho, far, far right Militia blog or newsletter there is. Google results don’t mean jack being my point.

The other point is that people who Google you will believe what they want to believe anyway.

It is hard out here

Since you asked:
Don’t you just love those helpful health articles in newspapers and magazines written by alleged health experts? And by love, I mean, don’t you actually despise them? They could be written by any idiot and to prove it, here goes:

Studies reveal that, not only is sleep good for you, but that Americans are not getting enough sleep. There are many factors that can result in lack of sleep. Among the factors attributed to causing lack of sleep are not going to bed early enough, consuming too much caffeine right before bed time, too much alcohol consumption and the stress and anxiety associated with having a job and a family and friends. In other words, life.

There are many health problems associated with lack of sleep not the least of which is being really, really tired. Being really tired can result in feelings of fatigue which can lead to crankiness, and a general lack of alertness. Lack of alertness can result in job related injuries, ranging from hitting your chin on your desk as you doze off to causing a meltdown at a nuclear power plant.  

So what can be done about lack of sleep and its fatigue-related problems? Many experts feel lack of sleep can be improved by sleeping more, although there are some who disagree. For example the fifth out of five dentists who does not recommend their patients who chew gum chew sugarless gum. But, as we all know, there are some a-holes who can’t agree on anything. Right, France?

For the majority who do feel that sleeping more can help with lack of sleep, here are some suggestions on how to sleep more. Go to bed and lie down. This proves generally effective, unless, of course, your wife happens to mention to you, right before you doze off;

“When are you going to get the taxes done?”

Naps are also a good way to get more sleep, but napping for too long, say over an hour, can make it harder to go to sleep at night, as anyone with the sense of a six-year-old already knows. (This  sense-of-a-six-year-old rule applies to generally every other “insight” in these insipid health tip articles) My advice is nap for no longer than a half an hour. Any longer and you risk waking like somebody who just shot heroin into their eyeballs.

But all wise-ass kidding aside, I really do have a great tip for falling asleep. As I have been a borderline insomniac all my life, I found one trick that really works. If you are having problems falling asleep, just imagine that there is some fairly urgent task awaiting you, like you left a light or computer on, and you have to get up right now and take care of it. Then tell yourself you will just rest a little while before getting up to do that task. You will be asleep in the next minute.

Next: How to get ripped abdomen muscles. Hint: it may have something to do with diet and exercise.

It is hard out here

We gonna shake it ‘till they can’t take it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That explains it
That loud window rattling noise they heard in San Diego turns out not be an earthquake, Barry Bonds was working out and he dropped a barbell.

Sorry Woody
Scientists are developing a plane that travels ten times faster than a normal plane. It is especially useful for flights originating from New Jersey.

Scoring boring
Scientists are developing a device that can tell you if you are being boring. It ranks boring people as mildly boring, moderately boring or potential democratic presidential candidate.

Get it?
“Basic Instinct 2’ was dead last at the box office. It is so bad they have to rename “Basic Instincts 2” to “Basically It Stinks Too.”

Badaboom, try the veal
Former Speaker of the House Tom Delay resigned from his seat in congress; That’s right, Congress will now proceed without any further DeLay.

Phone tag
The Capital Police are requesting an arrest warrant for Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney for allegedly striking an officer with her cell phone. McKinney could face charges of striking a federal officer as well as the lesser offense of impersonating a Super Model.

Sounds familiar
In their home opener, the San Diego Padres beat the San Franjuiceco Giants 6-1.  A fan threw out a huge syringe next to Barry Bonds. Bonds picked up the syringe and became furious and grew so huge his shirt ripped off and he turned bright green.

Rule these out
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided on a name for their about-to-be-born baby boy, but they won’t say what it is. I am not sure what the name is but I think we can rule out either Matt or Lauer.  

I have some suggestions for the name of Tom Cruise’s baby. How about Ethan? It is an acronym for Endless Therapy Happening Age Nine.

Wise move
All charges of domestic abuse dropped against Yanni. When they were investigating the accusations, authorities decided to drop the charges rather than have to listen to Yanni’s music.  

Anchors away, Katie
“Today Show” host Katie Couric is going to leave NBC and anchor the news on CBS. I am such an idiot that Katie could be reporting on man landing on Mars and I would be thinking “Heh, heh, I’ve seen your colon, heh.”

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

It is hard out here

My Bruins got themselves a righteous beat-down, props to the Gators, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s about time
Major League Baseball announced they are going to launch in investigation into steroid use by players; so, after Saturday, Major League Baseball got to set their clocks forward to 1996.

Today at the Chicago Cubs Cincinnati Red Sox game, President Bush is set to threw out the first denial.

Sounds familiar
Pamela Anderson has taken her campaign to end seal hunts to her native British Columbia; Pamela has been fighting to protect cute, harmless little things from being abused by a huge club; she got the idea from watching her sex video with Tommy Lee.

Not a good sign
I am betting on UCLA over Florida. I have to make up for my big loss on Sunday night. Not one person got whacked on “The Sopranos” but I bet the over with three.

Tonight is the battle for the Coast that can boast in the NCAA Men’s college basketball tournament, as UCLA goes against Florida. This is Larry the Cable guy versus Pamela Anderson. Get ‘er done versus, I had them done.

Look at their mascots, ‘Gator versus Bruins. Who calls a bear a Bruin? That’s like calling a dog a canine American.

That would explain it
The FDA is investigating claims that Viagra can cause blindness. If true this could finally explain Donald Trump’s hairstyle.

Major League Baseball announced they are going to launch in investigation into steroid use by players; if that cutting edge idea goes well, then they are going to investigate if smoking weed really causes the munchies.
It’s so, it’s so, it’s so, it’s so, so so, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mets mess
Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization. So, once again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.

Mon Dieu
French President Jacques Chirac announced he would soften a controversial labor law to dissuade angry protestors. What? The French caving in to appease a violent group? Why who ever heard of such a thing?

Next thing you’re going to tell me is that a group of Palestinians are angry about something.

Set your clocks
This weekend we go to Daylight Savings time. Naomi Campbell will have to remember to throw her phone an hour earlier.

What’s next?
Major League Baseball announced they are going to launch in investigation into steroid use by players; and if that goes well, they are also going to look into rumors of players spitting and scratching themselves.

What is with these idiots and phones?
Naomi Campbell was arrested in New York for striking a house keeper with her phone. In addition, Campbell also faces the lesser charge of impersonating Russell Crowe.

Naomi claims it wasn’t her fault, the house keeper was crowding the plate.

Poor Rosie’s kid
Jessica Simpson is considering adopting a child. You have to feel a little sorry for the boy Rosie O’Donnell adopted. “I could have had Angelina or Jessica, but nooo.”

Jessica Simpson is considering adopting a child. The tough part about adoption is when do you tell the child they were adopted? For Jessica about the age when the child tells her there is no Easter Bunny.

Not a good sign
US journalist hostage Jill Carroll was released. Carroll said she was treated well by her captors; how bad is it when even terrorists treat people better than super models do?

Who the F*&k said that?
A new poll reveals Americans are swearing more. Personally I think that’s a load of crap.

A new poll reveals Americans are swearing more. Specifically when they pull up to the gas pump.

Woo whoooo
President Bush is in Cancun during Spring Break; Bush claims he is there to meet with Mexican President Vicenti Fox about the border, but we all know Bush is really there to catch a righteous buzz, raise the roof and get his big time nasty on.

Bush might actually get some business done in Cancun. Can you imagine if Bill Clinton tried to meet there? “What up, ladies? POTUS in the house. Let’s go inside Air Force One and do some Jager blasts.”

On this date in 1889 the Eiffel Tower opened in Paris. Sadly, right after it was opened, the Eiffel Tower was then captured by the Germans.

Since you asked:
It took two nights, but I finally got my mad monkey on and made it through “Monkey-athon” otherwise known as “King Kong.” It was really good but what that flick could have used is a few more over-grown attacking creatures and many more long looks into the eyes of King Kong and Jack Black and Naomi Watts.

And he is a good actor, but why was Adrian Brody the human love interest of hot blonde Naomi? The guy uses his face for a book mark.

Here were some of my problems with the ape-o-rama: how come Naomi wasn’t turned into a smushed Twinkie in her first scene with Kong? When Kong and Ann were in New York in the middle of winter with much snow on the ground and a frozen lake in Central Park, how come you couldn’t see a 25 foot high huge hot-blooded monkey’s breath in the freezing air? And how come Naomi, only wearing a thin, white chiffon dress, wasn’t cold?

But on a more personal note, when Naomi (Ann Darrow) was tied up and left hanging as an offering to Kong, it would be horribly wrong for someone to find that oddly arousing, right?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Time for some reader male:

Dearest Alex

Vous êtes l'écume de cochon qui est jalouse du français et comment nous sommes si doués à faire d'amour avec nos visages.


Pierre LaDouche

Dear Pierre,

Yeah, I don’t know what you just said, but what is the deal with that big ugly girder thing in the middle of Paris? What an eyesore. Is it an oil pump or a cell phone transmitter? Can’t you disguise it as a big tree or something? At least put a Napa Auto Parts sign on it or something.


Dear Lex;

You know how that Cheney guy shot that old guy? And, sometimes President Bush talks all funny? Oh, and how like that Paris Hilton chick is being all skanky and stuff?

Do jokes about that.


Dear Cooper;

Thanks, I’ll try to get right on that.


Monday, April 03, 2006


Florida gonna try and put the ruin in BRUINS but UCLA gonna put the rid in FLORIDA