Tuesday, April 04, 2006

It’s so, it’s so, it’s so, it’s so, so so, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mets mess
Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization. So, once again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.

Mon Dieu
French President Jacques Chirac announced he would soften a controversial labor law to dissuade angry protestors. What? The French caving in to appease a violent group? Why who ever heard of such a thing?

Next thing you’re going to tell me is that a group of Palestinians are angry about something.

Set your clocks
This weekend we go to Daylight Savings time. Naomi Campbell will have to remember to throw her phone an hour earlier.

What’s next?
Major League Baseball announced they are going to launch in investigation into steroid use by players; and if that goes well, they are also going to look into rumors of players spitting and scratching themselves.

What is with these idiots and phones?
Naomi Campbell was arrested in New York for striking a house keeper with her phone. In addition, Campbell also faces the lesser charge of impersonating Russell Crowe.

Naomi claims it wasn’t her fault, the house keeper was crowding the plate.

Poor Rosie’s kid
Jessica Simpson is considering adopting a child. You have to feel a little sorry for the boy Rosie O’Donnell adopted. “I could have had Angelina or Jessica, but nooo.”

Jessica Simpson is considering adopting a child. The tough part about adoption is when do you tell the child they were adopted? For Jessica about the age when the child tells her there is no Easter Bunny.

Not a good sign
US journalist hostage Jill Carroll was released. Carroll said she was treated well by her captors; how bad is it when even terrorists treat people better than super models do?

Who the F*&k said that?
A new poll reveals Americans are swearing more. Personally I think that’s a load of crap.

A new poll reveals Americans are swearing more. Specifically when they pull up to the gas pump.

Woo whoooo
President Bush is in Cancun during Spring Break; Bush claims he is there to meet with Mexican President Vicenti Fox about the border, but we all know Bush is really there to catch a righteous buzz, raise the roof and get his big time nasty on.

Bush might actually get some business done in Cancun. Can you imagine if Bill Clinton tried to meet there? “What up, ladies? POTUS in the house. Let’s go inside Air Force One and do some Jager blasts.”

On this date in 1889 the Eiffel Tower opened in Paris. Sadly, right after it was opened, the Eiffel Tower was then captured by the Germans.

Since you asked:
It took two nights, but I finally got my mad monkey on and made it through “Monkey-athon” otherwise known as “King Kong.” It was really good but what that flick could have used is a few more over-grown attacking creatures and many more long looks into the eyes of King Kong and Jack Black and Naomi Watts.

And he is a good actor, but why was Adrian Brody the human love interest of hot blonde Naomi? The guy uses his face for a book mark.

Here were some of my problems with the ape-o-rama: how come Naomi wasn’t turned into a smushed Twinkie in her first scene with Kong? When Kong and Ann were in New York in the middle of winter with much snow on the ground and a frozen lake in Central Park, how come you couldn’t see a 25 foot high huge hot-blooded monkey’s breath in the freezing air? And how come Naomi, only wearing a thin, white chiffon dress, wasn’t cold?

But on a more personal note, when Naomi (Ann Darrow) was tied up and left hanging as an offering to Kong, it would be horribly wrong for someone to find that oddly arousing, right?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Time for some reader male:

Dearest Alex

Vous êtes l'écume de cochon qui est jalouse du français et comment nous sommes si doués à faire d'amour avec nos visages.


Pierre LaDouche

Dear Pierre,

Yeah, I don’t know what you just said, but what is the deal with that big ugly girder thing in the middle of Paris? What an eyesore. Is it an oil pump or a cell phone transmitter? Can’t you disguise it as a big tree or something? At least put a Napa Auto Parts sign on it or something.


Dear Lex;

You know how that Cheney guy shot that old guy? And, sometimes President Bush talks all funny? Oh, and how like that Paris Hilton chick is being all skanky and stuff?

Do jokes about that.


Dear Cooper;

Thanks, I’ll try to get right on that.