Friday, April 07, 2006

It is hard out here

Jump back and smack that money maker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Catchy name
New age singer Yanni had his domestic battery charges dropped; Look for Yanni’s next album, “Step off or get played, Beeeyatch.”

More good news for Yanni, in addition to all the domestic battery charges being dropped, Yanni has just been hired to play at the Duke Lacrosse banquet.

Next level is Yuck
A Department of Homeland Security official, 56-year-old Brian Doyle, was arrested for trying to solicit a 14-year-old girl on the Internet; as a result the terror alert level is now Ewww.

Practice makes perfect
In Delaware, a 34-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old student 28 times in one week; that’s the thing with teachers, if you don’t do it right they make you do it over and over and over again.

28 times in one week. She was thrown in jail and he was treated for repetitive motion injuries.

28 times in one week equals four times a day. I can’t brush my teeth four times a day.

28 times in one week. That’s not sex, that’s punishment.

This kid is scarred for life. Can you imagine when he gets married? “What do you mean you only want to do it three times tonight?”

Blew Devils
In the investigation of the Duke Lacrosse stripper assault case, a vile e-mail from one of the players had the words tomorrow and proceed misspelled along with many grammatical errors. As a result, the Lacrosse coach resigned and the player’s English professor was put on suicide watch.

The e-mail was written so badly the player may be forced to transfer to USC.

That didn’t take long
On this date in 1896 the modern Olympics were reborn after 1,500 year absence. And on tomorrow’s date, in 1896, the first Olympic athlete tested positive for steroids.

Since you asked:
Isn’t it odd how names go through phases? Every young boy these days is named Dylan, Cooper or Ryan. I may be the oldest Alex in the country because you can’t throw a stick without hitting a kid named Alex. And girls now are Jessica, Nicole, Brie, Lauren, Hannah and Bridget. Mia is big because of Hamm.

Whatever happened to women named Trudy, or Ruth, or Betty, or Eleanor or Fran, or Esther? Whatever happened to men named Gus, Larry, Sid, Don, Henry, Harry, Lou, Andy? John? When was the last time a kid was named John? The bathroom killed that name. Sort of like something else killed the name Peter. And Dick. The last boy named Dick was a guy I knew named Dick Hoag. Good guy and great hockey player. And Wayne. What happened to Wayne after Gretzky?

Are there any Kathys anymore or are they all Katherines? Susies are now Susanne, pronounced Sew-Zaaaaahhn. And where the hell did Topher come from? There are hardly any Chris’s anymore, they are either Topher or Christopher. Can I switch to Xander? Is Michael now Hael? Thomas, Mas? William, Liam? Why am I starting to sound like Andy Rooney?

Rooney, that would be a good modern, pretentious name.

We had no problem naming our first child, Virg’s Mom is Ann and my mom was Ann. Caroline was just a name we liked. And our first Labrador was easy because of our last name, Kaseberg. She was born to be named Kasey. She still looks exactly like a Kasey, Inspector Kasey.

But our second dog? Oh my word. We made the mistake of opening suggestions and opinions on the names from friends. Don’t do that. Everyone knows someone who was an idiot or a slob or who ate paste or was the stinky kid who was named the name you want to use. Here was the short list of names we considered for our second Labrador until we decided on Wrigley.

Wally, Payton, Ernie, Santo, Sayers, Sidney, Dewgie, Dewie, Stewie, Henley, Clapton, Hendrix, Horace, Chester, Dexter, Dougan, Duncan and Howie. (The last two were my childhood pals)

Now that we know Wrigley, Dudley would have been the perfect choice, but Wrigley works well.

Many of the names are based on Chicago sports heroes or rock gods. Walther Payton and Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, Don Henley, Eric, Jimi. Remember, a Lab should have a cute but noble name . They are adorable but also great hunters descended mostly from England, so you can’t name a Lab a goofy name. And never, ever, allow a kid to name your dog, like Woofers or Jammies or Scooter or Scruffy. You will both, the dog and you, hope they end up running away.    

Oh, and Chocolate lab owners, trying to come up with a clever chocolate candy related name is officially over. All the Hershey’s and Cocoa’s and Snicker’s and Tootsie’s have been done. Same with yellow labs. No more Baileys or Nillas or Honeys or Custards. Biscuit would be OK, just because I love the name biscuit. Heh. Try and say that word without smiling. Biscuit. See?

The acid test for any name for a dog or child is the back door yell test. If you can stand by your back door and yell the name and not feel like an idiot, it is probably going to be OK. When we got Wrigley, Ann Caroline was just four, so when I picked her up from daycare, her teachers all wanted to know why on earth we would name a dog Wiggly.      

When I explained it was Wrigley, not Wiggly, it took everything I had not to tell them we named him Wiggly because he has worms.