Wednesday, April 05, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna shake it ‘till they can’t take it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That explains it
That loud window rattling noise they heard in San Diego turns out not be an earthquake, Barry Bonds was working out and he dropped a barbell.

Sorry Woody
Scientists are developing a plane that travels ten times faster than a normal plane. It is especially useful for flights originating from New Jersey.

Scoring boring
Scientists are developing a device that can tell you if you are being boring. It ranks boring people as mildly boring, moderately boring or potential democratic presidential candidate.

Get it?
“Basic Instinct 2’ was dead last at the box office. It is so bad they have to rename “Basic Instincts 2” to “Basically It Stinks Too.”

Badaboom, try the veal
Former Speaker of the House Tom Delay resigned from his seat in congress; That’s right, Congress will now proceed without any further DeLay.

Phone tag
The Capital Police are requesting an arrest warrant for Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney for allegedly striking an officer with her cell phone. McKinney could face charges of striking a federal officer as well as the lesser offense of impersonating a Super Model.

Sounds familiar
In their home opener, the San Diego Padres beat the San Franjuiceco Giants 6-1.  A fan threw out a huge syringe next to Barry Bonds. Bonds picked up the syringe and became furious and grew so huge his shirt ripped off and he turned bright green.

Rule these out
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided on a name for their about-to-be-born baby boy, but they won’t say what it is. I am not sure what the name is but I think we can rule out either Matt or Lauer.  

I have some suggestions for the name of Tom Cruise’s baby. How about Ethan? It is an acronym for Endless Therapy Happening Age Nine.

Wise move
All charges of domestic abuse dropped against Yanni. When they were investigating the accusations, authorities decided to drop the charges rather than have to listen to Yanni’s music.  

Anchors away, Katie
“Today Show” host Katie Couric is going to leave NBC and anchor the news on CBS. I am such an idiot that Katie could be reporting on man landing on Mars and I would be thinking “Heh, heh, I’ve seen your colon, heh.”