Saturday, October 18, 2003

They in for a righteous smack-down in this in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Zimmer zammer
New York Yankee coach Don Zimmer told a New York newspaper he will quit the Yankees after this year. So, next season, Pedro Martinez won’t have Don Zimmer to throw around.

The World Series will feature the Florida Marlins versus the New York Yankees. It will be exciting, President Bush is going to throw down the first Zimmer.

Did you see the wild celebration in the New York Yankees clubhouse? Everybody was cheering and hugging and popping and spraying bottles of Dom Perignon while David Wells got on his hands and knees and lapped up every drop of the spilled champagne.

That bad
The Red Sox left in Pedro Martinez one inning too long. The Yankees hit Martinez like a Times Square tourist asking for directions.

Wrong cracker
Not to put too fine a point on it, but hoping for a Cubs/BoSox World Series and getting The Fish/Yankers instead is like expecting a blind date with Heather Graham and getting Grammy Heather instead.

Hey, that’s not nice
I saw the Angelina Jolie movie on HBO, “Life or Something Like it.” It was really good. Angelina plays a 12. That’s a Ten with one week to live.

Jessica Simpson claims she isn’t the dolt that she appears on MTV’s “Newlyweds.” In fact, Jessica said she has a lot of firm convictions, like she would never eat Girl Scout cookies because it’s, like, totally cruel to make a cookie out of a Girl Scout.

Zeig Rush
In Germany, a man who trained his German shepherd, Adolf, to raise a paw in imitation of the Nazi salute won't be prosecuted for doing it. And now they have picked Adolf to replace Rush on the ESPN NFL show.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Can we catch a break one damn time over here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Big deal?
Game seven of the New York Yankees Boston Red Sox game is tonight. Or as us Chicago Cubs fans refer to that series: “Yeah, fine, whatever.”

Just a joke
I can tell I’m getting older. One time I was having sex and I thought I was having a heart attack. I was fine, but at the time, I was so upset, I almost asked for my money back.

Slats and Nugs, in lieu of the Chicago Cubs disastrous playoff meltdown, it is important for us Cubs fans to not become bitter or angry; we don’t want to reduce ourselves to saying things like the Florida Marlin’s manager Jack McKeon is so old Pedro Martinez wouldn’t throw him down, nor that their name is a stinking, smelly fish, nor especially that their catcher, Pudge Rodriguez, looks like a deranged troll. All of that would be beneath us and we should avoid it.
Tote that bale, crack that whip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This one left a mark
Today is Thursday, October 16, 2003, or as Chicago Cubs fans call it: The day after hope died an excruciating death.

That’s just mean
During the Fox broadcast of the NLCS they invited fans to use their Sprint phones or computer to vote on who they thought would win, the Chicago Cubs or the Florida Marlins. That’s not fair, everyone knows people in Florida don’t know how to vote.

Coincidence? I think not
Not to be a poor loser, but as a Chicago Cubs fan, is it an accident that Florida Marlins rhymes with Horrid Charlatans?

That bad?
The Cub fan blowing that foul ball out was the most embarrassing thing to happen to Chicago since “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Are you buying it? Nahh, didn’t think so . . .
In a desperate attempt to find a pathetic silver lining, the reason there are so many die-hard Chicago Cubs fans is because of the heartbreaking losses in 1969 and 1984, not in spite of them. You never, ever, forget that one love that broke your heart. So, after this 2003 loss, the good news is that a new generation of devoted, loyal and utterly dysfunctional Cubs fans have been born.

Good news
Famous for enduring crushing losses in 1969, 1984, and now 2003, The Chicago Cubs now have Sammy Sosa, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Moises Alou, the Chicago Cubs fans are now optimistic that it will be far less time between the years that the Cubs break our hearts.

Frau Blucher, whiney, whiney
To borrow a page from “Young Frankenstein,” if sports teaches us anything it teaches us to accept victory and defeat with quiet grace and dignity . . . WHY DID THE CUBS LOSE? I HATE THE LOUSY STINKIN’ FISHY MARLINS, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE, MOMMY! MOMMY!

OK, can I just say eww?
In testimony of the Kobe Bryant trial, an investigator said that pubic hair and semen, other than that of the accused, appeared in the accuser’s underwear. I have a new diet. Read testimony of the Kobe Bryant trial just before you eat. You’ll lose twenty pounds.

Had my Dr. Phil of this
In Chicago, support groups are springing up to help distraught fans deal with yet another crushing post season Cubs loss. This begs the question, how would Dr. Phil handle this?

Dr. Phil: “Hell, boy, you think you got problems? The Cubs lost. Big deal. I gotta head that looks like a baseball, now that’s a problem.”

Wha happened?
All over the city and suburbs of Chicago this morning, there were people who woke up and muttered;

“Whew, I shouldn’t drink so much. I had this horrible dream that the Chicago Cubs blew a 3-1 series lead and aren’t going to the World Series, again.”

P.S. And no it wasn't Steve Bartman's fault.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Update on Dork-gate.
Now I am starting to feel bad for the kid. Apparently he is a big-time Cub fan, good guy, teaches little league and he didn't see Alou and just reacted. Like a lot of avid - or rabid - Cubs fan, I think I projected - to use psycho-babble - my anger on the result of what happened over to the fan. He was going for a souvenir. I would have probably done the same thing. Let's let him off the hook.

With the world watching, this would be really bad time for Cubs fans to be bad, and screaming for this POOR guy's blood would be bad.


But that frickin' BILLY goat, he is going to fry . . .
What a brutal, brutal game, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ernest Hemingway had a short story in his Nick Adams series that ended with something like:

"He woke to the sound of the wind brushing a pine branch against his window. He was in bed for a long time before he remembered that his heart was broken."

That was me this morning after the Cubs game six loss.

Today is Wednesday, or as Cubs fans call it, the day after black Tuesday.

Trekkies stay the eff home
Some goober knocked an easy out from Moises Alou’s glove that led to an eight run eighth inning and a stunning Cubs loss. The Cubs fans treated that errant fan like Mussolini after the war short of hanging him from a meat hook in the town square. In other words, they went easy on him.

How would you like to be this guy at work?

“OK, folks any questions? Oh, yes, you, the guy-who-single-handedly-screwed-the-Cubs-and-broke-the-hearts-of-millions-of-great-fans-and-humiliated-all-of-Chicago-in-one-incrediby-dorky-move, what do you have to say?”

Chicago Cubs fans, we just need to relax, take a deep breath, and realize it was just a game and we have another chance tonight and OH MY GOD, WE WERE FIVE OUTS FROM THE WORLD SERIES, I WANT THAT DORK’S HIDE! Oh, uh, sorry, was that out loud?

King of the road
Rodney King was released from an L.A. jail after he posted bail. So drive at your own risk, folks.

Not good, nope
There are reports that Nike is going to dump Kobe Bryant from his shoe deal. And Kobe’s negotiations with Trojan condoms ain’t going so good either.

Since you asked:
Wore my Cubs hat out today, Slats and Nugs, and I wore it proudly. Cubs fans are there in the good and the rough times. People were sympathetic. Some were really blood thirsty for that poor, stupid, dorky fan. Should he be physically threatened for what he did? No. Should he be blamed? Anyone who saw the game knows this guy lost it for the Cubs. Yes, he should be blamed.

That being said, if anything serious happens to this poor guy it is going to be a real tragedy. Perspective, folks.

Go Cubs.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

If I may be allowed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Narrated to haunting sound of Ray Charles singing "America the Beautiful."

Sports fans, for me a playoff game in the friendly confines of beautiful bunting wrapped Wrigley Field on a deep-dish pizza, barbequed ribs, sausage and Old Style beer- fueled crisp Chicago fall night represents what is wonderful about, not only sports, but, indeed, our very nation itself. How else could so many people participate in, enjoy, share, laugh, curse, scream, cry and remember forever a true piece of actual American history? Oh sure, there are those who feel that a baseball game may be too trivial to be considered history, and they are entitled to that opinion, even though that opinion is, and always will be, horribly, horribly wrong.

God bless America, and go Cubs!

Oh, and one more thing: The New York Mets couldn't suck more if they had rubber lips.
Good times, bad times, it’s time to ramble on to a whole lotta love before the levee breaks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What's the deal big?
This whole brouhaha over Rush Limbaugh’s pain-killer addiction is being way overblown. I’ve taken a couple of Vicodin from time to time and it didn’t have hardly any mind on my effect . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah, go Cubs.

Maybe we messed up
*Arnold said today no more movies while he’s governor. Because he’s got to concentrate on the job, no more movies. Maybe we should have elected Madonna?

Arnold Schwarzenegger was surprised at how cut-throat his opponents were during the campaign. How bad is politics when an admitted Hollywood groper thinks it’s sleazy?

Standing tall before the man
*In a response to the NFL’s ruling to prevent him from running through the opposing team’s warm-up area, Warren Sapp compared the NFL to slavery. My history is a little rusty, but were there many slaves making $10 million a year who could quit whenever they wanted to?

A tough job
*This grocery strike is getting annoying. The temporary cashier asked me; “Sir, do you want paper or, oh shoot, what’s that other thing?”

Actually, I haven’t crossed the grocery store picket line. It’s not that I am supporting the strike as much as it violates rule number one: Never, ever, make anyone who handles your food mad.

Thank you, thank you very Rush
*Rush Limbaugh has announced he’s addicted to painkillers, checked himself into rehab. How many people ever thought that Rush and Elvis would have something in common?

Now that’s hard
*Did you see that nasty knuckle ball Boston Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield threw? It’s harder to hit that thing than it is to listen to an actor discuss “their craft.”

What a stud
*The New York Yankees pitcher David Wells missed a start because – get ready for this- he pulled a groin trying to leave the bench for the game three skirmish. What an athlete. This Wells guy makes Lance Armstrong look like a lazy slacker.

Wells was rushing to Don Zimmer’s defense because those handsome muscular guys with good hair have to stick together.

Have you seen New York Yankees Don Zimmer sitting on the bench next to pitcher David Wells? It’s like looking at a pair of homemade shoes: you can’t figure out which one is uglier.

Since you asked:
Don't panic, fellow Cubbies fans. The ivy is fine, it is not dying. The reason that it is turning red is because we are actually witnessing something we've never seen: Wrigley Field in Autumn.

Is there anything that is more beautiful than Wrigley Field draped in bunting in the Fall that isn't named Heather Graham? Me thinks not.

Go Cubs! Or as Rush would say it, Cubs Go!

Since you asked, system two:
At this juncture – and really, who uses the word juncture? – I would like to address the regular “A Little Bit Bad” readers, and besides you six, anyone else for that matter. This entry addresses the format, or lack of one, on this blog.

See, Slats and Nugs, it was my intention, for better or for worse, to focus on the words. By not cluttering this site with a lot of photos, links and fancy graphics, I wanted to, in an ironic way, make this a type of retro-site, if you will. It is my nod to try and juxtapose the high-tech Internet with old-fashioned simplicity.

As a friend of mine once sagely noted, there is always going to be a bigger, fancier ship than yours in every port, so why not focus on trying to make your ship as good as it can be?

That and I don’t know how to do any of that fancy techie crap.

Go Cubs!

Monday, October 13, 2003

Step off wit yo' gooooood foot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jacksonville Jaguar punter Chris Hanson is out for the season after he seriously cut his leg from an axe left in the locker room for a motivational stunt by their coach Jack Del Rio. In a related story, today, 0-5 San Diego coach Marty Schottenhiemer placed a shotgun in the Chargers locker room.

Hate to see that
Big problems with the California grocery store clerk picket line. Today I saw twelve picketers standing in the Ten-Picketers-Or-Less line.

So that’s where he is
This Grocery store strike sure is a mess, the customers are inconvenienced, the cashiers are locked out of work, the stores are losing money; at least now we know what Gray Davis is up to: He’s obviously advising the grocery store strikers.

Cruel Hoax
In an object lesson in cruel irony, gelding Funny Cide will run in the Breeder’s Cup Classic in two weeks. That’s like Jessica Simpson applying for membership in Mensa.

What a shocker

In a huge upset in Green Bay, the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Packers 40-34 in overtime. That wasn’t the upset, the upset was that, after such an emotional game, Chief coach Dick “Waterworks” Vermeil didn’t cry once.

Any relation to Seigfried?
Remember the guy who was bitten by his pet tiger in the Bronx? Today he said he didn’t think the tiger was trying to bite him. Isn’t biting pretty much what tigers do? If the tiger had caused his computer to crash, that would be an accident. I'm not tiger expert, but I’m pretty sure he got bitten on purpose.

"So where was he bitten?"

"In the Bronx."

" Ouch, that hurts just thinking about getting your Bronx bitten."

Since you asked:
Although I am spry and feisty, there is some evidence that I am getting a tiny bit older. My back goes out more than a Newark crack whore. Is it a bad sign when your back goes out lifting the extra large bottle of Tums?

And I can hardly wait until my Attention Deficit Disorder (I was patient zero) runs full speed into short term memory loss. That way I won't even remember all the things I can't finish.

Other than that, I think that I am doing pretty good for, uh, the thing, um . . . what were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Cubs!

P.S. Is it some rule that the guys who fix things in your house always have to make a comment to the effect;

"Oh, that, uh, that's not good."

Hello? If it was good, we wouldn't need it fixed, now would we?

"Honey? Don't you just love the pretty sounds coming from the dryer? Let's keep it like that so we can hear it forever."

Again, go Cubs.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

We lovin' it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Poor publicity starved kids
Did you see the shot of J. Lo and Ben Affleck canoodling at the Red Sox Yankee game Saturday? It was nice because we haven’t heard or seen much about those two this year.

Tha, tha, tha, that’s all, folks
For a second, I thought the Don Zimmer Pedro Martinez scuffle was a Warner Brothers cartoon of Elmer Fudd going at Speedy Gonzales.

This was rule number one
It looks like the New York Yankees relief pitcher jolly-stomped an out-of-line Boston Red Sox groundskeeper. There are only two rules groundskeepers need to know: A, If you’re in the other team’s bullpen, don’t wave a rally flag, and B, when it rains, don’t cover up the starting pitcher with the tarp.

About to do that thing at the place that will take them to that other thing
The Chicago Cubs are just one game away from doing that thing I can’t mention for fear of jinxing it.

One reason to like it
“The Next Joe Millionaire” once again dupes beautiful women, this time all European, with a phony rich bachelor. Just when you didn’t think it was possible, we come up with another way to piss-off the French.

Or all of Afghanistan
The Chicago Cubs defeated the Florida Marlins 5-4 to take a two to one lead in the best of seven series. After Sunday, the series returns to Chicago. And it’s a good thing, because the football designed Pro Player Miami stadium has to be the ugliest place in the world to play baseball, outside of Newark, New Jersey or Shea Stadium.

Thom Bean
Are you watching Fox’s coverage of the NLCS? Is it just me or does play-by-play announcer Thom Brennaman look like Mister Bean’s Rowan Atkinson?

If the H is silent in Thom, shouldn’t his last name be pronounced Bennaman?