Monday, October 13, 2003

Step off wit yo' gooooood foot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jacksonville Jaguar punter Chris Hanson is out for the season after he seriously cut his leg from an axe left in the locker room for a motivational stunt by their coach Jack Del Rio. In a related story, today, 0-5 San Diego coach Marty Schottenhiemer placed a shotgun in the Chargers locker room.

Hate to see that
Big problems with the California grocery store clerk picket line. Today I saw twelve picketers standing in the Ten-Picketers-Or-Less line.

So that’s where he is
This Grocery store strike sure is a mess, the customers are inconvenienced, the cashiers are locked out of work, the stores are losing money; at least now we know what Gray Davis is up to: He’s obviously advising the grocery store strikers.

Cruel Hoax
In an object lesson in cruel irony, gelding Funny Cide will run in the Breeder’s Cup Classic in two weeks. That’s like Jessica Simpson applying for membership in Mensa.

What a shocker

In a huge upset in Green Bay, the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Packers 40-34 in overtime. That wasn’t the upset, the upset was that, after such an emotional game, Chief coach Dick “Waterworks” Vermeil didn’t cry once.

Any relation to Seigfried?
Remember the guy who was bitten by his pet tiger in the Bronx? Today he said he didn’t think the tiger was trying to bite him. Isn’t biting pretty much what tigers do? If the tiger had caused his computer to crash, that would be an accident. I'm not tiger expert, but I’m pretty sure he got bitten on purpose.

"So where was he bitten?"

"In the Bronx."

" Ouch, that hurts just thinking about getting your Bronx bitten."

Since you asked:
Although I am spry and feisty, there is some evidence that I am getting a tiny bit older. My back goes out more than a Newark crack whore. Is it a bad sign when your back goes out lifting the extra large bottle of Tums?

And I can hardly wait until my Attention Deficit Disorder (I was patient zero) runs full speed into short term memory loss. That way I won't even remember all the things I can't finish.

Other than that, I think that I am doing pretty good for, uh, the thing, um . . . what were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Cubs!

P.S. Is it some rule that the guys who fix things in your house always have to make a comment to the effect;

"Oh, that, uh, that's not good."

Hello? If it was good, we wouldn't need it fixed, now would we?

"Honey? Don't you just love the pretty sounds coming from the dryer? Let's keep it like that so we can hear it forever."

Again, go Cubs.