Thursday, October 16, 2003

Tote that bale, crack that whip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This one left a mark
Today is Thursday, October 16, 2003, or as Chicago Cubs fans call it: The day after hope died an excruciating death.

That’s just mean
During the Fox broadcast of the NLCS they invited fans to use their Sprint phones or computer to vote on who they thought would win, the Chicago Cubs or the Florida Marlins. That’s not fair, everyone knows people in Florida don’t know how to vote.

Coincidence? I think not
Not to be a poor loser, but as a Chicago Cubs fan, is it an accident that Florida Marlins rhymes with Horrid Charlatans?

That bad?
The Cub fan blowing that foul ball out was the most embarrassing thing to happen to Chicago since “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Are you buying it? Nahh, didn’t think so . . .
In a desperate attempt to find a pathetic silver lining, the reason there are so many die-hard Chicago Cubs fans is because of the heartbreaking losses in 1969 and 1984, not in spite of them. You never, ever, forget that one love that broke your heart. So, after this 2003 loss, the good news is that a new generation of devoted, loyal and utterly dysfunctional Cubs fans have been born.

Good news
Famous for enduring crushing losses in 1969, 1984, and now 2003, The Chicago Cubs now have Sammy Sosa, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Moises Alou, the Chicago Cubs fans are now optimistic that it will be far less time between the years that the Cubs break our hearts.

Frau Blucher, whiney, whiney
To borrow a page from “Young Frankenstein,” if sports teaches us anything it teaches us to accept victory and defeat with quiet grace and dignity . . . WHY DID THE CUBS LOSE? I HATE THE LOUSY STINKIN’ FISHY MARLINS, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE, MOMMY! MOMMY!

OK, can I just say eww?
In testimony of the Kobe Bryant trial, an investigator said that pubic hair and semen, other than that of the accused, appeared in the accuser’s underwear. I have a new diet. Read testimony of the Kobe Bryant trial just before you eat. You’ll lose twenty pounds.

Had my Dr. Phil of this
In Chicago, support groups are springing up to help distraught fans deal with yet another crushing post season Cubs loss. This begs the question, how would Dr. Phil handle this?

Dr. Phil: “Hell, boy, you think you got problems? The Cubs lost. Big deal. I gotta head that looks like a baseball, now that’s a problem.”

Wha happened?
All over the city and suburbs of Chicago this morning, there were people who woke up and muttered;

“Whew, I shouldn’t drink so much. I had this horrible dream that the Chicago Cubs blew a 3-1 series lead and aren’t going to the World Series, again.”

P.S. And no it wasn't Steve Bartman's fault.