Wally put the smooch in Mount Scaramooch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Amigos De Las Americas)

HBO announced the show “Veep,” will end after its 8th season. It simply got too difficult for the writers to try and create anything more absurd than what was really going on in the White House.

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Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton, they’re expecting a third child. No word on the sex, but they have ruled out some of the lesser name options: Limey O’Snaggletooth, Leftside McDriver, Chimney O’Sweep, Bigears Babalouie. 

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Madonna complained on Twitter FedEx would not deliver her packages because they did not believe she was Madonna. Madonna especially wanted the foot-long package that was humming and vibrating. 

In their defense, FedEx said it did not expect Madonna to be wearing a “Make America Great Again” red hat and an “I’d Hit That Scaramucci” t-shirt.

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It was a year ago Amber Rose announced she had her first threesome. And they are just now letting her back into the West Hollywood Ikea.

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Kourtney Kardashian’s ex, Scott Disick, was arrested in August and put an involuntary psychiatric hold. Between Disick, Lamar Odom, Kanye and Caitlyn, guys, if you get with a Kardashian, you’re either going to lose your mind or your junk. 

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The aftermath of Hurricane Irma is going to be bad. In addition to flooding, your VCR flashes 12:00, your house smells like Pine Sol and there is a $5 check for your birthday. 

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Ex-NFL player, Antonio Cromartie, has just welcomed his 14th child into the world, his fourth since his vasectomy. So even though he was cut by the Colts, Cromartie will still probably play for the Colts because cutting Cromartie doesn’t do a damn thing.

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Here are some last-minute suggestions for Fantasy Football team names: 

Cosby’s Happy Hour

Gronk’s Kardashian Side-Piece

Ezekiel’s Wife-Beater T-Shirt

Multi-Millionaire’s Incessant Whining

Brady’s Invisible Concussion

Since you a skewed;

Like my dear, old grandpappy used to say, before he was dead, 

“A thang is a thang is a thang. Either a thang is a thang or it’s not a thang. So if it is a thang, it’s a thang.” 

P.S. It’s your thang. Do what you wanna do.

“Don’t you hate it when you’re eating a carrot and a little carrot shard gets sucked up into the nasal hole in the roof of your mouth? You try to ignore it, but it tickles in a bad about-to-sneeze way, so you finally give one huge brain-rattling reverse snore-snort and it flies out. But then it lands in the back of your throat making you gag and then cough until it finally flies out of your mouth. Don’t you hate that?” 

“Your honor, I simply do not see what that has to do with my client’s lawsuit?” 

Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang