She’s got wonderful eyes and a risqué mouth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Arnold Schwarzenegger quit as host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Donald Trump’s response was, “Let’s get that Frederick Douglass guy. I hear he is good.” 

The rumor of Cap’n Crunch being discontinued is not true. There were reports the Cap’n spoke to the Russian ambassador, but he denies that.

In Alaska, one of the Iditarod contestants, Linwood Fiedler, finished an hour behind his dog sled because he fell off when he fell asleep. On the bright side, he was named an honorary Atlanta Falcon.

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, and his wife, Priscilla, are expecting their second girl. His first daughter’s name is Max, short for Maximum Fortune. This one will be named Lucky McLuckface. 

For the second time, Radio Shack has declared bankruptcy. Not a shock. Radio Shack doesn’t exactly have a high tech name. It’s better than Telegraph Teepee, but that’s it. 

An umpire at an Alabama high school baseball game was arrested for being drunk. They suspected he was drunk when he encouraged the players to play like Minnesota Twins.



There is an online test to determine if you’re narcissistic. I did not take it. I was busy sending a dic-pic to Anthony Weiner.

South Korea announced they will reevaluate their relationship with China after the impeachment. Awkward when Donald Trump heard and said, “I’m getting impeached? Awesome. When can I go back to Mar-a-Lago?" 


There’s a rumor OJ Simpson will get a reality show when he is released from prison this year. Network executives are just trying to figure out on which circle of hell to broadcast it.