Monday, March 06, 2017

Wheels Up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy National Oreo Cookie Day. We need a National Oreo Cookie Day like Florida needs a Smoke Meth and Act Stupid Day.

It is the 106th anniversary of Oreo cookies. Can you imagine back when there were no Oreos? “It was hell,” said Larry King.

The military is investigating reports that male Marines shared pictures of naked female Marines on a secret Facebook page. Authorities became suspicious when someone kept asking them to Friend them named General Anthony Weiner. 

Israel just decriminalized marijuana. You can tell. The Wailing Wall is now the Uncontrollable Giggles Wall.

Disney is under controversy for its first openly gay character in “Beauty and the Beast.” First gay Disney character? Please. In "Finding Nemo," Dora forgot everything except she was gay.

First gay Disney character? So I guess we’re all just pretending Winnie the Pooh was going through a phase?

Since you asked:

The Dead Cat Trump Thump ©

It happened back in the campaign when Ted Cruz looked like he could get ahead of Donald Trump in the primaries. Trump announced he wanted to ban Muslims and, bam, he never looked back.

The Dead Cat Trump Thump © was born. 

Some Australian politician, Lynton Crosby, coined the term sans Trump. No matter what people are talking about, if you throw a dead cat on the table, the topic will change to the dead cat.

Barack Obama tapps (sic) Trump Tower. Boom. The Dead Cat Trump Thump ©. But in that case, it isn’t just a dead house cat. That is a dead cougar. 

The problem is eventually folks will start to notice that whenever Russians are brought up, or Trump’s taxes, or how the Russians may be involved in Trump’s taxes, a deceased feline comes a flyin'.

Trump has maybe two or three more Dead Cat Trump Thumps © left in his golf bag. 

Let's put the hairdryers on:

If you combined the "Hell's Kitchen" finalists and took the voice of Ryan with everything else from Heather, you would have the scariest woman alive. Ryan's voice is like finger nails down an old fashioned slate chalk board. Everything else about Heather is like getting waterboarded with sulfuric acid. 

Heather is one scary skeeeeeeeeeyaaaatch. Yikes. 

Both can chef like mofizzies though. 

Folks, I am telling you there is comedy gold in the ol' "Strunk and White." 

"Nauseous. Nauseated. The first means “sickening to comtemplate”; the second means “sick at the stomach.” Do not, therefore, say “I feel nauseous,” unless you are sure you have that effect on others."

Clearly I do not understand how politics and our government work. Specifically the job of Attorney General, whose job it is to make sure people don't lie. 

In my mind, if I am being interviewed for that job, and getting that job depends on me not having spoken to Russians, so I say I did not speak to Russians and thus get the job. When it turns out I lied and I did speak to Russians, don’t I get fired?