Did you know it is National Procrastination Week? It came early. I won’t be able to do it until next week. 

In his first address to HUD, Dr. Ben Carson described slaves as immigrants. Said one of Carson’s former brain surgery patients, “It is a miracle that guy was able to fix my brain so that it glabborwinks when I flackerboobletoops.” 

A study claims people who have sex the night before are more productive at work the next day. With the exception of us high-priced male prostitutes. 

New York Met prospect, Tim Tebow, will makes his Grapefruit League debut Wednesday. In Las Vegas you can get 30-1 odds Tebow will have his grapefruit intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

Dr. Ben Carson described slaves as immigrants. At which point all of Carson’s former brain surgery patients asked to see their brain warranty.

At the Oscars, the Memoriam montage featured a live producer. But they also said Bill Cosby’s career wasn’t dead, so they were even. 

Killer whales were spotted in the Santa Barbara channel. However, once they entered Santa Barbara waters, their name changed from Killer Whales to Aggressive High Body Mass Sea Mammals. 

Samsung has announced a delay in the launching of the Galaxy 8. They want California to have one more rain storm so the state doesn’t catch on fire when the Galaxy 8 explodes. 

This marks the first time a company does not want their product launch go off with a boom.

In his first address to HUD, Ben Carson referred to slaves as immigrants. “That is silly,” said Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, “Everyone knows slaves were the first tourist interns.”