Tuesday, February 07, 2017

They got they ass thumpy dumpied, gonna thumpy-dumpy do tonight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a shocking twist on the show “Jane The Virgin.” Let’s just say "Jane The Virgin" will now be called “Jane The Woman Named Jane.”

Betsy DeVos was confirmed as Secretary of Education by the Senate. It was a little awkward when Betsy signed secretary with a K. 

A Hamas explosives expert blew off his arms and legs. Now he is an expert in rolling. 

Drug dealers are stamping packets of heroin with Donald Trump’s face. Since Trump figured out how to fail at selling gambling, football, steaks and vodka, he can put an end to drug abuse. 

Steve Sarkisian, who lost his coaching job at USC to a drinking problem, has been named offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons. Sarkisian is excited to be coaching the Super Bowl champion Falcons, the team that was winning the Super Bowl by 25 points before he passed out. 

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”

Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

- From the brilliant comedic mind of Janice Hough