Friday, February 10, 2017

Law & Order Sound Effect (HQ) [+Download Link]

On her first day as Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos asked twitter where the pencils were.  The responses did not go well. DeVos had to look up the word rectum. 

Florida firefighters rescued a man trapped inside a garbage truck. Explained the firefighters to the man, “Sir, the term white trash is figurative.” 

It is amazing how much Twitter is in the news. And happily none of these stories involves an Anthony Weiner dic-pic. 

Since you asked:
Had a couple college pals who started a successful men’s beach wear line a few years out of college circa 1984. When everyone else was using glow-in-the-dark pastels, they were using conservative prints and plaids. Imagine if Brooks Brothers made swim trunks. If yellow power came with trunks, these were it. 

It took off. 

And for a while they were on top of things and kept up with the growing demand. Thanks to Reagan, conservative yuppie fashion was in and these Newport Beach-brats were on top of it. At our local swimwear store in La Jolla, they displayed their line on a replica white, wooden lifeguard chair. It was cool. 

And then they got the breakthrough of all retail clothing breakthroughs: Nordstrom placed a huge order.

They were sponsors in surf contests and beach volleyball tournaments. They upgraded the upgrade of their BMW’s. Life its own ass self was good. 

But then success went to their heads. More specifically to their noses. 

And then it happened. They dropped an order to Nordstrom. (Cue “Law And Order” clang) 

That was the retail clothing equivalent of McCarthy-era communist blackballing. Every other retailer got wind of their colossal screw up and dropped them as if they labeled their swim suits “The Ebola Virus Collection.” Their swimsuits could have cured herpes, it would not have made any difference. 

Ivanka may be the first daughter. Trump may be the president. When it comes to retail clothing, none of that matters a Weiner dic-pic compared to what Nordstrom does.

And it has nothing to do with politics.

Back in the mid 80’s, before cell phones, we had serious dead time at our bond desk on Wall Street. Even glancing at a newspaper was verboten even when there was nothing happening for days at a time. We were supposed to be on the phones or waiting to pick up the phone. No computers to Google. We all could have learned a second language in those lulls.

There were crowd participation scenes reminiscent of Mel Brooks. 

One night before our Christmas break, the nicest, kindest, most sincere and decent man you can imagine - man, was he out of place - named Dennis-the-C stopped at the door, turned and wished everyone on the trading floor a happy and peaceful Christmas. 

The torrent of screaming obscenities and insults rained down on Den-Denny-Den-Den like Hurricane Katrina.

During one of the many endless lulls, somebody, bored out they skull, would say something to someone and it would get a casual , non-serious responses of: “F*ck you.” 

And then it was on. (Delivered in thick, Jersey Shore accents) 

“Wait, I’m sorry. Did he say . . . ? To be candid, my ears are not what they used to be. Did he say f*ck me?” (Casual nods of agreement all around) Because, that, my friend, is wrong. It is most certainly . . .  f*ck you.”

“F*ck me? F*ck me? F*ck me? What the . . . ? Oh, see, that is where you and the path of correctness diverge, mon frere . It is most decidedly not f*ck me. It is f*ck you.”

“F*ck me? Clearly this is a circumstance of communication getting abhorrently misunderstood if not utterly turned around, therein. For, as all current facts, figures and estimates clearly indicate, and I am fairly sure my numbers are accurate, it is not f*ck me. It is f*ck you.” 

This could go on for hours at a time. 

Kendall Jenner is cute. No doubt about it. (Is it Kendall or Kylie who is the model? Oh, right, Kendall. Kylie is in a contest to turn into Michael Jackson) 

Kendall is pretty. But you could open the door to any UCSB sorority and throw a tortilla inside and hit three women just as pretty as Kendall. 

Given the insane competition, there is no chance in hell Kendall Jenner is a model if she is not a famous Kardashian. 

And, yes, we at a.L.b.B. have heard the staunch lesbian rumors.