Despite record rain and snow, the California water control board refused to lift their drought restrictions They issued this statement from their Ark. 



A letter from Osama bin Laden revealed he felt it was OK for terrorists to masturbate in times of extreme need. Or as I called extreme masturbating need in high school: consciousness. 


In ’15, Kim Jong Un’s older brother snuck in to see an Eric Clapton concert in London. Which is ironic because Kim Jong Un is going to have his brother shot by the sheriff, not the deputy.



Barack Obama was in the Bahamas board-kiting. This time last year, Donald Trump was check-kiting contractors. 



Kellyanne Conway urged people to buy Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. Kellyanne Conway giving fashion tips is like Charles Oakley giving anger-management advice.