Saturday, October 15, 2016

"Sorry, Miss, you misunderstood, we're interested in women who were grabbed there by a Trump."

Stompy the Wonder Chimp, stomp, stomp, stompin' around, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is the sixth anniversary of the invention of the thinnest substance known to man, Graphene. The second thinnest substance known to man? Donald Trump’s skin. 

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams said our dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents and how to please us. That and humping our legs. 

Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize for literature. Asked to comment, Bob Dylan said, “Well, fleeble wassle snaggle possers.” 

The CIA may launch a major cyber-attack against Russia. So we’ve gone from James Bond to Carl Snacklehiemer with the peanut allergy. 

Now that Salesforce has backed down, there are no bidders interested in buying Twitter. Their only chance to sell is to gather 140 characters to buy it. 

Dennis Hof, the pimp who owns the Nevada brothel where Lamar Odom overdosed, his house burned down in Reno. The fire was even more scorching than Hof's case of herpes. 

Donald Trump said, in the last debate, he checked out Hillary Clinton from behind and he was not impressed. Well, that should put an end to all of his sexist predator rumors. 

Since you asked;

The Cubs are playing the Dodgers in the NLCS. Here are some of the differences between Chicago and L.A.

In LA, bitchin’ means good. In Chicago, bitchin’ is what you do about the Bears.

In Chicago, you shovel snow. In L.A, you shovel your screenplay. 

In Chicago you order an Old Style beer. In L.A. you order a malty, but suave and yet robustly woody and earthy creamy and thick yet nutty IPA with a pear finish.  

In L.A., for pizza you order Dominoes. In Chicago you consider Dominoes an insult to you and your ancestors. 

In Chicago, you grill brats. In LA you oak wood smoke organic and sustainable locally grown tofu. Then you snort a pile of cocaine. 

When asked about political jokes, Seth Meyers said they did not go after politicians ad hominem. And here I thought hominem was either grits or what Jackie Gleason said as Ralph Kramden when he was flustered.

Man, them Northwestern comedy writers sure can use their tongue prettier than a 50 peso hooker.