Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The gay catnip aspect of this picture aside, and now he is relatively old athletically at 32, but are you going to tell me this guy, Trey Hardee, at 6.5, 215, could not have made it in the NFL? Bull swaggle. (Uh huh. That's right, I pulled a bull swaggle)

Apple has introduced the 4-inch iPhone SE. It is perfect for Donald Trump. It will make his tiny hands look huge.

Sarah Palin has signed up to be a Judge Judy-type reality TV court judge. Not exactly a lateral move from a US governor and potential vice president. 

It will be a kangaroo court where Palin shoots and skins the kangaroo. 

Sprinter Usain Bolt is saying he will retire after the Rio Olympics. This is harsh news for Usain's steroid dealer. 

The ratings for Caitlyn Jenner’s reality show “I Am Cait” have dropped steadily since its debut. Caitlyn may have to announce she is now a lesbian. 

In response to his misogynistic remarks, Donald Trump said nobody respects women more than he does. Donald Trump’s lie just told a lie to one of his lies. 

Donald Trump rallies are scary. You know what’s safer than a Donald Trump rally? A biathlon of wine-box chugging and chainsaw juggling. 

The NFL held its annual owners and coaches meeting in swanky Boca Raton, Fla. It’s a big deal. When Dallas Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones, arrived they had to air-lift in his ego. 

Since you asked:

Tried to get into “Billions” on Showtime, but it is too unrealistic. While entertaining and clever, it is far too “Wolf of Wall Street” in it’s cartoon-like over depiction of Wall Street. It is far closer to some coked-up screen writer’s idea of a big time investment firm. Aaron Sorkin-like way-too-witty banter. But the actors are all outstanding, especially Paul Giamatti. 

Like 99% of most jobs, the people who are making the most money on Wall Street got paid because they worked the hardest. And they love their job. (That was my problem. I didn't) 

One woman I knew from Wall Street did amazingly well and she was arguably stupid. She just had non-stop ambition and greed. 

And some the investment stuff is cool like the squeezing a short sale and what constitutes insider trading. (Essentially nobody knows what constitutes insider trading. They caught Martha Stewart red-handed on insider trading but they convicted her for lying to a federal prosecutor)

Thinking I will switch over to “The Americans.” 

One of my favorite sports stories goes back to 1987 when the America’s Cup sailing race was in Fremantle, Australia. The Italian team had a day off and decided to go wine tasting. Well the tasting must have gone pretty long, because the driver did not see the kangaroo that jumped in front of their SUV. 

To make the most of a sad situation, the Italians decided it would be a hoot to get a picture with the poor departed fella, so they hoisted him up and put on a team jacket over his little arms and sunglasses on his furry face and dangled a cigarette from his little kangaroo lips and took pictures.

The problem? The kangaroo was just knocked out. It came to and hopped off with the car keys and the jacket owner’s wallet. 

The Italian sailing team had to hitchhike 30 miles back to their hotel. 

Jamaican gold medal sprinter, Usain Bolt, has announced he will retire after the Rio Olympics. This has NFL coaches drooling over the prospect of having a 6.5 200 pound split end who his faster than everyone in the NFL by five yards in a 40 yard dash. 

If the concept of Usain Bolt playing in the NFL was a stock, I would short it. Unless he played rugby, there is no possible way to take the mind and body of a pampered racing horse and put in him a football game. Bob Hayes of the Cowboys was a notable exception. He was a great football player growing up. 

The real NFL football players in the Olympics are the decathletes. 

Averaging 6.2 and 180 to 200 with the muscle to throw the shot, javelin and discus and the athleticism to pole vault and hurdle and the toughness to be that big and run a sub five minute 1500 meters, they are automatic special teams players or tight ends ala Green Bay’s Jordy Nelson. (Not sure Jordy did a decathlon, but he was a talented sprinter and jumper in college) 

Nobody who competes in the decathlon is gifted at all 10 events. Even great decathlete have relative weaknesses. For the amazing Ashton Eaton it is the throws. And that is only because he is a world class jumper and sprinter. Most great athletes only do the things that come easy for them. Decathletes have to focus on their weakness. That is a unique athletic skill.

Look at your gym. See the skinny dudes on the treadmill for an hour. See the barrel chested guy with huge guns and chicken legs bench pressing? 

If I was looking for cheap, raw talent in the NFL, I would go find 8,000 plus scoring decathletes and find out if they have any football or rugby experience in their past. If you can find an 8,000 plus point decathlete who enjoys getting hit and hitting others, you have an automatic NFL player. Plus there is no money out there in the track world for 8,000 point decathletes.  Zero.

To hit 8,000 points in the decathlon a man has to be a tremendous all-around athlete. Ashton Eaton broke 9,000 points. That is mind-boggling. Eaton had the best long jump in the world last year for months at 27 feet. In college at Oregon, Ashton Eaton went from a 10 foot vaulter to a 17 foot vaulter. That isn’t just talent, that is work and guts and coordination. 

The decathlon has to be the worst sport in the world in the aspect of labor-to-dollars. There are probably only 20 decathletes in the world who are even making a decent living competing in the decathlon full time. Ten of those are in Germany. Last year Ashton Eaton had to run the 400 Intermediate hurdles in Europe to make a living. 

And he is the greatest decathlete who ever lived besides Rafer Johnson. 

How bad is the decathlon financially? The reigning gold medalist in the decathlon, the US's own Brian Clay, got dumped by his sponsor Nike right before the London Olympics. Granted, the people at Nike are world class hypocrites, smug weasels and rapacious  and rabid swamp rats , but still . . . 

(If only Brian Clay had sexually assaulted someone,  ala Ben Roethlisberger or Kobe Bryant, then Nike would have stayed with him) 

An 8,000 point decathlete has to high jump around 6 feet 6 inches. Pole vault almost 16 feet. Long jump around 23 feet. Run a 400 in 49. 100 meters in low 11’s. Throw the shot 50 feet. That is one athletic stud-horse who will never even smell a whiff of a medal stand in an international decathlon meet. Or make a nickel.

(Mark, Bill or John Snake, feel free to correct these figures if they are off) 

Put the track shoe on the other football cleat. Do you know how many of the NFL's skill players at the NFL Scouting Combine could have run a low 11 100 meters, high jumped over 6.5, long jumped 23 feet, pole vaulted over 15 feet or thrown a shot 50 feet? 

None. Zero. Nada. Zilch eeeeeveen. (Points for rare Snagglepuss  reference. The world's only gay cartoon lion. OK, maybe besides Scar in "Lion King.")

Had Ashton Eaton competed at the NFL combine his numbers would have blown everybody away.  It would shock me if his vertical jump was below 42 inches. 12 foot plus standing long jump. 4.3 40. Bench press 225 30 times. Record breaking stuff.  Hell, I once did 225 20 times.

The NFL minimum of $435,000 would be like winning the lottery for most decathletes.  There is a reason so many NFL players play far too long. It is a great life. Forget fame, fame sucks. Besides, fame does not exist for 90% of NFL players. They get paid to play a game they love and to be around their buddies and work out. And, to paraphrase Jason Lee's Jeff Bebe in "Almost Famous," the chicks are great. 

One thing for sure you know about decathletes in transitioning to the NFL is their work ethic. They know how to train five hours a day. Watching game film for a decathlete is like an eye-guzzling session on Netflix. Decathletes spend most of an entire day either running, lifting or practicing their events and then getting therapy. Watching film would be a welcomed break. 

Oh, and competing hurt is second nature to a decathlete. When training for ten events, something is always hurt. Always. 

Unlike a pure sprinter, like Usain Bolt, decathletes have to be coordinated enough to pole vault. So that means it is probable 95% chance they can catch a football and, due to the javelin, a 100% chance they can throw a football a country mile. (Like a mile isn't long enough)

Every single one of the decathletes I trained with at UCSB could kick my ass in basketball. And I was a decent hoops player. Not overly skilled ball-handler or shooter, but I could jump and hustle and play, you got it, Tenacious D. A scrapper. (Apologies to Jack Black and that other guy) 

No, there is no doubt about it, NFL, there is a crop of about 20 decathletes out there in the world, five in Germany alone, who could probably be productive NFL players as safeties, full backs and tight end or wide receiver. At the very least on special teams. 

Or a long snapper. Anyone who can throw a discus and javelin can be taught how to snap a football ten yards. 

So if you are going to ask me the obvious question: could Caitlyn Jenner have been a decent NFL player? Remember, nee Bruce Jenner won a partial scholarship in D3 football to Graceland College as a QB, but he hurt his knee. 

And then Caitlyn hurt his nee.

But, in my opinion, as great an athlete as she was, Caitlyn Jenner probably would not have made it in the NFL. Ironically, as we have learned on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” she was way too much of a . . . well. You know. 

Anyone who lets Kris Jenner hen-peck them could not have made it in the NFL.