In a zoo in Vienna, two giant pandas have been videotaped mating several times. In a shrewd marketing move, they are going to name one of the Pandas Hulk Hogan and collect $115 million from Gawker.

Is it just me, or does Donald Trump look like a guy who would pay a hooker to put on a bridle-bit and saddle on him and whip him like a 50 peso burro? 

Donald Trump has threatened to reveal a secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. The secret might be that she closes the coffin lid for him when he goes to sleep. 

In Florida, a Budweiser truck crashed into a Frito-Lay truck spilling beer and chips on the highway. There was a mad rush of Florida couples scrambling to hold their wedding reception there. 

In L.A., a JetBlue flight attendant left 70 pounds of cocaine in her luggage on the plane. They suspected she had cocaine when they saw a JetBlue flight attendant was alert and attentive. 

After her Australia tour where her rude and drunken behavior infuriated an entire continent, Madonna posted fake No Parking signs in front of her New York apartment. They now suspect PMS. Petulant Madonna Syndrome. 

Omdat je vroeg: 

(Since you asked in Dutch)

Wally is so smart I am starting to suspect he thinks I am stupid. 

The other day I was late feeding him and he came into my office and guided/herded me down the stairs to the garage where his food is. It really seemed like he was saying, “Clearly you’re too stupid to remember where to go, so I will show you.” 

It would have been insulting if it wasn’t so cute. 

Although I am sure I will watch it, the very title “Batman V. Superman” is abhorrent to me. Personally, I cannot wait to see how a rich guy who works out is going to beat a guy who flies into space to smash meteors. 

That tiny skepticism aside, nothing about this is good. Superman was my ultimate hero. Back when I was sweet and gullible and believed in the Easter Bunny, my heart believed in the TV Superman completely. As I child I was too innocent to try and figure out why a guy who can bounce bullets off his chest felt the need to duck when the bad guys threw the gun at him. 

And if Superman could fly without any apparent propulsion, why did he have to take a running start and then hop out the window? And yes, the wires you could clearly see holding him up did not help Superman’s credibility. 

But I believed with all of my sweet, young heart. 

But, sadly, like with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, there comes a time when you must put away childish things, and a guy from another planet who flies is one of those things. 

Enter Batman.

No football coach in his right mind would start Batman over Superman, but Batman is plausible. Eccentric rich guy who is awesome at Kung Fu and has mind-blowing toys? No, he isn’t a guy who flies with a red cape, but he is pretty damn cool. And he does have a cool cape and a mask. And a utility belt. Had one I cherished when I was a kid. 

(Let’s not get into the whole Robin thing for fear of sounding homophobic) 

After some time after pining for my loss of Superman,  I was finally thinking: OK, I’m in. I love Batman. Not my first love, but love all the same. And, like Superman, he is the ultimate good guy. If you’re fighting either Superman or Batman, you are, by everyone’s definition, a bad guy.

So why are the two best good guys ever fighting each other? One of them has to be a bad guy. But who? It is like making a kid pick a favorite in a fight between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. 

That’s it. “Batman V. Superman” officially sucks.

Dreams are so nuts. Its like starring in a movie you wrote 12 hours ago except the producer, director and actors are all insane. 

“Excuse me, director, the guy who has come to this castle to hire me as a comedy writer is great. But why is he wearing a “Star Trek” uniform and how come he just robbed a bank?”