Friday, December 16, 2005

We getting’ our holiday ho on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sweet mercy
The White House has finally agreed to Senator John McCain's bill banning torture. Thank god, that finally means NBC is going to take “Joey” off the air.

The movie “King Kong” is exciting; I especially loved the scene where King Kong goes nuts in Manhattan when he can’t call his wife in Australia and he throws a phone at the hotel concierge.

What’s the difference between King Kong and Russell Crowe? One is a big, scary, smelly ape that goes crazy, the other is King Kong.

There is one scene in “King Kong” I’m not too sure about; when they are trying to stop Kong from rampaging in New York City, so they bring out Donald Trump and he tells Kong he’s fired.

I didn’t really care for that one scene in “King Kong” where Kong has a love scene with a gay cowboy.

Going ape
Monkeys are big right now. Sharper Image’s mechanical chimp head is selling like crazy, “King Kong” is doing well at the box office, and Paris Hilton’s monkey is engaged to a Greek shipping heir.

We kid the lesbian couple
In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; it was an ugly break up, they’re still fighting over who gets the Melissa Ethridge CDs.

It’s an ugly break up; they’re still fighting over who gets custody of the camper.

In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; man, that Angelina Jolie is relentless.

In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; the couple cited irreconcilable flannel.

Their first clue
The California grocery store Ralphs has been indicted for hiring people with fake name tags during the grocery strike two years ago. Authorities became suspicious when an usually large number of workers were named Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

The lap of doom
Minnesota Viking quarterback Dante Culpepper was charged with a misdemeanor for getting a lap dance during the Vikings drunken sex boat cruise. It’s the most trouble anyone has been in for having a girl in their lap since Bill Clinton and Monica.

In Ohio, an Amish man was blackmailed for $67,000 by a prostitute. The Amish man paid because the prostitute threatened to post pictures of them together on the Internet. Then he tried to cancel the check when he suddenly remembered: oh yeah, the Amish don’t have computers.

Can you believe the New Year is only 15 days away? In five days I will have finally gotten used to writing 2005 on my checks. That’s nothing, the brother band Hansen is still writing 1995 on their checks.

Everyone doing their shopping? You know what I have never understood? Gift certificates. A gift certificate is simply giving someone money that can’t be spent anywhere else in the world but that one annoying store.

I got it
In Brooklyn a man caught a baby that was thrown from the third story window during a fire, the baby is fine, but it was scary, right when the man caught the baby, it was almost knocked out of his hands by Chicago Cubs foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman.

Good news
Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo and has been hospitalized. Doctors diagnosed her condition as exhaustion and they will not allow Ashlee to continue singing so, luckily, that won’t effect her future performances.

Kong along
The movie King Kong is out. I like that movie, especially that scene where Kong goes berserk when the beautiful blonde woman tries to get him to go see “Pride and Prejudice.”

A survey reveals that Americans have sex 113 times a year. That’s good news for my buddy Ron, having sex 113 times equals 4,000 bonus miles on his frequent flyer credit card.

Since you asked:
Got a code in my node. As I am always one to look at the bright side, having this cold in my nose is really good for my Robert DeNiro imitation – not that I have any use at all for a Robert DiNero imitation. It’s kind of like my imitation of if they cloned Willy Nelson and Jerry Lewis and he nasally sang; “If I were a carpenter and you were a LAAAAAYYYYDEEEEEEE!”

So the stuffed up nose works for DeNiro and the congestion gives your face that look that little kids get right before they cry or adults get when they just tasted something bad. Then you end your sentences in a slightly higher note and repeat them in classic Jersey or Brooklyn form;

“I dunno, I dunno, I heard some things. I heard some things.”

And shake your head when you do it and use your hands a lot..

(Polite applause)