Tuesday, December 13, 2005

We gonna have a crack down and a smack down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Con Artest
After serving a one year suspension for a brawl with fans at a game, Indiana Pacer Ron Artest has demanded that he be traded; Artest would prefer to play in a warmer climate where the fans are more relaxed and much easier to beat up.

No habla hoochie coochie
In Kansas, a boy was kicked out of high school for speaking Spanish; the teacher was upset, she couldn’t understand a word that he said when they had sex.

Ah ha
A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. Well, of course, between the Giants and the Forty Niners, this finally explains why, in San Francisco, the men just don’t seem interested in having sex with the women.

Wow, in New York the sports teams in Greenwich Village must be really bad.

A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. In a related story, three groupies for the NBA’s 3-16 Atlanta Hawks were hospitalized with acute boredom.

A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. This explains all the Viagra ads during Los Angeles Dodgers games.

Almost as exciting
On a Frontier flight from Denver to San Antonio, two drunk Playboy Playmates got in a fight with passengers and one tried to have sex with the arresting officer. In a related exciting flight story, I once got an extra bag of pretzels.

Take out the papers and the trash, or you don’t get no spending cash . . .
According to the tabloids, after kicking him out, Britney Spears has taken back Kevin Federline; Britney missed him, with Kevin gone she didn’t have anyone to take out the white trash.

Sure sign
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. You could tell the two cowboys were gay, they named their horses Clay and Aiken.

Oh, so close
In controversial news, Stanley “Tookie” Williams was executed in California despite supporters asking that Tookie receive a pardon citing the anti-violence books he authored while on death row. In a related story, Scott Petterson has now halted work on his book on marriage counseling.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to call and give him a pardon, but the line was tied up with that Verizon “Can you hear me now? Good.” Guy.

In controversial news, Stanley “Tookie” Williams was executed in California; Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to call with a pardon but nobody could understand Arnold when he tried to pronounce; “Eradicate Tookie’s execution.”

Since you asked:

Yesterday my seven-going-on-18 daughter, Ann Caroline, was going to notify Child Protective Services and report abuse if I did not get our Christmas tree. This is a child who loves to put on her Santa hat and just sit in the dark living room and stare at the decorated and lit tree. If it was up to A.C. we would wear costumes and trick or treat at least once every week and we would bave a Christmas tree all year round.

So, fine, I picked her up right after school and we headed to the local nursery. On the way we passed the high school as it was letting out. As one of the real treats of being a parent is F’ing with your kids, I reminded Ann Caroline about a bald lie I’ve been telling her that, in high school, kids go to school for 24 hours a day. They let them out to eat dinner with their families, but they have to go right back to their classes that run all night. She thought about that for a second and said;

“That must be why they say teenagers sleep all the time. I just thought they were lazy.”

P.S. Got the almost perfect tree. Seven foot, perfectly symmetrical scotch pine. We left A.C.’s school at ten to three and were back with the tree by 3:15. Beautiful.