Oh yeah we gonna sta

We gonna crack down a smack down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Now that’s bad
The reviews for the First Couples’ holiday dog video “A Very Beazley Christmas” are in and they are not good. One person said the President and First Lady’s acting was wooden and forced. And that’s coming from Madonna.


Eww
The Minnesota Vikings star quarterback Daunte Culpepper was among the three players charged by police with misdemeanors for their actions in a drunken sex-filled boat party. The only good news for Culpepper? On the boat cruise none of his passes resulted in dropped balls.


What we needed when we needed it
Oral B now has the new Triumph toothbrush that has an “on board computer”; let me tell you something: if you need a computer to help you brush your teeth? You have bigger problems than dental hygiene.


Oral B now has the new Triumph toothbrush that has an “on board computer.” How does that work? “Sorry boss, I can’t come into work today. The on-board computer on my toothbrush went down. Yeah, I think my toothbrush has a computer virus.”

“Darn, I have to brush my teeth but I can’t remember my password.”

The toothbrush computer counts and if you brush longer than 30 seconds, it makes a smiley face; if you don’t brush your teeth, it makes a West Virginia toothless smiley face.


The Kev-Stir
Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. $125 million or his testicles back, either one.


Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. In a related story, it has never, ever, been more embarrassing to be a man in this country.


Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. This would be the most expense removal of white trash since the Mir space station crashed to earth.


Hey, Kevin needs that kind of money, they aren’t giving away bags of chronic weed and Popeyes fried chicken.


Rumor has it that, if they split, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. The only way that dirt bag could earn that kind of money himself is if he opened a “Slap Kevin Federline” bid on eBay.


How wet is it?
In New York City the snowstorm turned into rain. It was so wet and messy, in Times Square, the hookers were offering $50 for a blow dryer job.



I, uh, did not know that
Shaquille O’Neal has been sworn in as a reserve police officer in Miami: Shaq will be able to carry a gun and a badge and the handcuffs Kobe Bryant used to use on room service waitresses.



Iraq’s election was today and to mark that they voted they dip their finger in purple ink. The Iraqi vote turnout was good, I haven’t seen this many purple fingers since they strip-searched Barney the Dinosaur.




Since you asked:

When I pick up Ann Caroline at her school, I am fascinated by the kids who run around the playground full speed looking the other way and then are shocked when they run into something. Of course, I never did that as a child. Are you kidding?


When you are in high school, you have one job: trying full time to be cool. That’s it. Everything else, studying, sports, activities, is secondary.


In the brief hiatus between the end of indoor track and the beginning of outdoor track, I would go for runs from the locker room, across the front of the school to Indian Hill Country Club golf course and run on the golf course - until I got kicked off - and then back. An adventure of about four miles


One unusually warm, muddy, early spring Illinois day, I was running in front of our high school just as school ended and the sidewalk was packed with fleeing students. As I was running hard and fast, trying to look cool, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Julie Davis across the street in front of Phalen’s drug store, putting her bicycle in the back of her mom’s station wagon. Julie Davis was impossibly beautiful – long thick, lustrous dusky blonde hair, piercing green eyes, high cheek bones and a body of a Viking Warrior goddess with amazing long and muscular dancer legs.


When Julie bent over and reached into the green and faux wood-paneled station wagon to shove her bike back, a gust of wind caught her green plaid skirt and, thank you god, I was suddenly looking at Julie’s white panty clad tooth-chipping rock-hard beautiful butt.


Then, suddenly, I saw a blinding flash of light along with the loudest bang I’ve ever heard and I was suddenly on my butt on the sidewalk looking up at the furiously vibrating street sign I had just run into full speed. If I was in a cartoon, birds would have been chirping around my head. Then the very next thing I heard was the deafening loud burst of spontaneous laughter emanating from everybody in our high school who had just seen what I had done.


Including Julie Davis.


After further review, it was White's drug store in front of our high school, not Phalens. Sorry, Julie, I did not mean to mess up our beautiful moment together.