We gonna hook you up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Out of control
*Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have broken off their engagement. Calista was reportedly so despondent she went on an eating binge and finished off both crackers in a packet.

Good, ah?
*Canadian companies will now be able to bid on the second round of contracts to rebuild Iraq. This is good news for all of those Iraqi hockey players waiting around for skating rinks.

“I’ll (hic) raise you.”
*Did anyone catch “The Celebrity Poker Showdown,” in Las Vegas on Bravo? The celebrities are allowed to drink during the game. I don’t want to imply that actor Paul Rudd had too much to drink, but after the game he married Britney Spears.

Actor Paul Rudd had so much to drink during “The Celebrity Poker Showdown,” he had to call Pete Rose to find out how to bet.

Actress/Comedian Sarah Silverman had so much to drink during “The Celebrity Poker Showdown” she asked Joe Namath to kiss her.

During “Celebrity Poker Showdown” the contestants lie, bluff, drink and throw money around. In other words, they pretend they’re U.S. congressmen.

Pity
*The show “Frasier” has been cancelled. That stinks. Now we won’t know which Crane brother, Niles or Frasier, will go completely bald first.

Finally
*President Bush has announced plans to give green cards to illegal immigrants who are willing to work at jobs we refuse to take. Jobs we find abhorrent, the illegal immigrants will take. So it looks like Larry King might get that prostate exam after all.

Jackson jinx
*La Toya Jackson broke her toe making a dance video. Things are not going well for the Jackson family in general. Just yesterday, Tito had car troubles; the Dominoes Pizza sign fell off of his Pinto.

Poor La Toya, and after she worked so hard to get that infomercial for The Arthur Murray Dance school. .

Oh, yahhhh, I heard dat from Mildred, donchyahknow . . .
*Reportedly people all over the state of Wisconsin are still very upset over the Green Bay Packer’s last Sunday sudden loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Some Wisconsinites were so despondent they tried to hang themselves with string cheese.

How much does she hate it?
Martha Stewart’s trial starts this month. Martha once told Barbara Walters; “The last place I would ever want to go is prison.” And she was including Wal Mart, so you know she hates prison.


Ugly, ugly, ugly
Senator Ted Kenned slammed President Bush saying the war in Iraq was for political reasons. When asked if he cared to comment on Kennedy’s statement right now, Bush declined saying he’d drive off that bridge when he came to it.