Saturday, September 17, 2016

A study reveals dogs understand human speech far more than we thought. In tests of word comprehension, dogs scored somewhere between Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian. 

Halle Berry claims her good looks were a hindrance in her career. This explains Bill Murray’s legendary stardom. 

Donald Trump Jr. said if republicans acted like democrats they would be given the gas chamber. Trump Jr. claimed he meant that as a capital punishment reference not a Holocaust reference. Like how we meant to call Trump Jr. a tool instead of a d-bag. 

Louisville destroyed Florida State, 63-20. The last time Florida State players did that badly was on a spelling test. 

Ivanka Trump stormed out of an interview with “Cosmopolitan” because she felt the questions were unfair. Like “Sex, Marry or Kill, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Lochte?” 

It is the one year anniversary of when archeologists found the skeletons of a couple that have been holding hands for 700 years. They also found the secret to a long, peaceful marriage: being dead. 

The heir to Hostess bought the Playboy Mansion for $100 mil. Hostess and the Playboy Mansion. One is the home of cream-filled treats and the other is Hostess. 

Since you asked:

Re-watched “Fury” and it was good. A condensed tank version of “Saving Private Ryan.” Here is my question: why does Shia LaBouf cry during the entire movie? Now, I am sure art-house film school twinks think his performance was brilliant, but to us less sophisticated movie watchers it was annoying and distracting. 

A 100-year-old sex crazed tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring. Here is a picture of the horny old turtle.

Friday, September 16, 2016

A 100-year-old sex-crazed tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring and is a hero for saving his species. “Oh, he’s sex-crazed and he’s a hero?” Asked an indignant Bill Cosby. 

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring. In honor of Diego being an ancient tortoise who has had many wives, he has also won the Best Larry King Impression.

60-year-old Mel Gibson is having his 9th baby with his 26-year-old girlfriend. Not sure the sex or name of the baby, but given Mel’s right-wing rants, I think we can rule out Hillary or Bernie. 

The Duggars of “19 Kids and Counting” have adopted their 20th child. That is because Michelle Dugger’s vagina has been declared a hazardous abandoned cavern by the US Forest Service. 

Donald Trump finally admits President Barack Obama was not born in Kenya. But he hasn’t ruled out Tanzania. 

Happy National Guacamole Day. Hurry up and celebrate National Guacamole Day before the avocados turn, oops, nope, sorry, they’re brown. 

People keep talking about the bromance between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, but we don’t have a celebrity nickname. I’m pushing for Purump. (Poo-rump) 

The Duggars of “19 Kids and Counting” adopted a 20th child. They had to adopt. Apparently Michelle Duggar’s vagina was declared an unsafe work place. 

Ivanka Trump walked out of an interview with “Cosmopolitan.” You can’t blame Ivanka, Cosmo hit her with that hard-hitting question: “Who are you wearing?” 

A study reveals dolphins carry on conversations with sentences up to five words in length. Dolphin’s most often used five-word sentence is, “Man, people are so stupid.” 

 Not surprisingly, a lot of those sentences are blow-hole jokes. 

The CDC has warned that kissing chickens is bad for your health. Something tells me if you have to be warned about kissing chickens, your health is probably pretty far down on your priories. 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

The Cleveland Browns, whose mascot is a dog, may sign convicted dog killer, Michael Vick. In a related story, Jacksonville just hired these two d-bags. 

The Cleveland Browns, whose mascot is a dog, may sign convicted dog killer, Michael Vick. That would be like the Miami Dolphins hiring Japanese fisherman.

A study reveals dolphins carry on conversations with sentences with up to five words in length. That is two more words than Kardashians can do. 

As a result, a dolphin has been hired as a speech writer for Donald Trump.

Hacked emails of Colin Powell reveal he called Donald Trump a pariah. It was awkward, when told Trump said, “Sweet. Doesn’t Ferrari make the Pariah?” 

Donald Trump released his medical information to Dr. Oz. Next Trump is going to reveal his bald head to Dr. Phil. 

Hacked emails of Colin Powell, reveal he called Donald Trump  “A national disgrace.” “Hey, you take that back,” said national disgraces.

“Dancing with the Stars” was interrupted by two protesters charging Ryan Lochte. The protestors were detained by security but not before they inflicted serious damage. To Ryan’s underwear. 

The picture they thought was two male lions having sex was a male lion having sex with a rare female lion with a mane. They have a name for a female lion that looks like a male: It’s called a Caitlyn.

Hacked emails of Colin Powell reveal he said Bill Clinton was still “dicking bimbos.” Coincidentally, “Dicking Bimbos”is the name of Justin Bieber’s next single. 

Polls indicate Hillary Clinton is ahead of Donald Trump with Jews by 42%. And that is just wholesale. Retail is even higher.

Hacked emails of Colin Powell reveal he called Donald Trump a pariah. To which Trump replied, “How dare he call me a man-eating fish.”

In concert, Kid Rock cursed Colin Kaepernick for protesting the National Anthem. No word yet if this offended Kid Rock’s black fans. Carl and Evan.

Since you asked:

Donald Trump does a lot of Trump-like things. But the most Trumpian of the Trumpish things Trump has done in a while is to buy a six-foot portrait of himself - that he commissioned to be donated for a fundraiser for his charity - with $20,000 that was donated to his charity. 

First of all, who commissions a six foot painting of themselves? 

And then Trump tells the artist to donate it to his charity. The only thing that isn’t shocking about this is that nobody at the fundraiser bid on the ugly-ass painting of Trump. So, to save The Donald from humiliation,  Melania paid $20,000 for the ugly-ass painting and paid for it with the charity’s money.  

Got that? $20,0000 donated to the charity by regular folks, the Trump’s used to buy the over-sized painting of Trump they insisted the artist paint for the charity for free. 

And then Trump gave the painting as a gift and wrote off the $20,000 “donation” on his taxes. 

So, to review, Trump ripped off the artist, the people who donated $20,000 to his charity, he ripped off the needy cause his charity was supposed to give the $20,000 to, and he ripped off the IRS. 

Even Bernie Madoff is calling that a full day.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Cabin Boy [1994] | Hey, Would You Like to Buy a Monkey? (David Letterman)

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Princeton has been ranked the top national university. It is considered the Trump University of colleges that don't suck and are not a scam. 

North Korea wants to boost tourism. I’ve got their next slogan: 

“Come to Kim Jong Un’s North Korea, where the Tyranny meets the Tranny.” 

“Sully” is #1 at the box office. “Heroic” said “USA Today.” “Uplifting” said “The New York Times.” “Coldblooded murderers,” said Canadian Geese. 

In the Panther-Bronco game, Cam Newton was flossing on the bench. That was fine, it was the avocado facial I thought was too much. 

Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from pneumonia.  It was a little awkward when Trump went on to say, “At least pneumonia is better and old monia.”

Ryan Lochte made his debut on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ryan was disappointed he did not get to meet Kevin Costner and the dog until someone told him that was “Dances with Wolves.” 

At “Dancing With the Stars” Ryan Lochte was rushed by an audience member who was tackled by security.  Or as Ryan described it, "I was attacked by an ISIS commando raid, but fought them off."


“US News & World Report” came up with their annual college list. Trump University rated somewhere between a Turkish prison riot and a bad case of dysentery. 

Monday, September 12, 2016

Hillary Clinton collapses on September 11th. Have not seen republicans this interested in a woman's health since Monica Lewinsky got tonsillitis.

Poor Tom Brady's suspension

On Sunday, the ESPN Fantasy Football site went down on the Fantasy Football players. It is the only time the words, “Went down on the Fantasy Football players” have appeared together. 

The Italian Supreme Court ruled that a man masturbating in public was not a crime. The Italians even have a name for it: Spankarino Al Fresco. 

During the Bronco-Panther game, Cam Newton was flossing on the bench. That didn’t bother me as much as when he undid his pants and started manscaping. 

"And I thought shaving referred to points."                                                                                                                    
                                                           - Jerry Perishio

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Vincent Paul Abate. Co-worker. Friend

May 23, 1961. September 11, 2001.